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Old 01-08-2014, 10:20 PM
TroisForte TroisForte is offline
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I reported earlier in my initial blog that my husband of 21 years (I call him R), his girlfriend (CG) and I have been happily involved in a FFM Vee relationship for the past 4.5 months.

I love them both very much and we are still all very happy together but a few situations have arisen that have literally sent me into panic attacks and I'm not quite sure how to articulate how I am feeling or what I should do about it. I need advice and have nowhere to turn but here.

Hopefully you can follow considering the head space I am in right now.

The relationship R and I have with CG is long distance. Actually, she lives close to my husband's hometown. 21 years ago R and I built our lives 2000 miles away from his hometown with our children. We go back to visit at least 2 - 3 times a year for a few weeks at a time.

In a few weeks R is taking a trip to spend time with CG alone and I'm starting to get very sad for many reasons. The most noteworthy reasons are: his heart has always been in his hometown. That is where he is the happiest but we live so far away because that is where we can make a living right now no matter how much we want to be where he is from. I'm a bit jealous because not only does he get to spend time with CG without any of life's constraints but he gets to do it in a place where he feels most alive. I feel like in some way it is a recipe for him loving me less (because he's got to come back home to a state he hates) and loving her more because everything he wants is in his hometown. They both say that having alone time together is just as important for the health of the relationship between all three of us as the time we spend as a group but the closer his trip is getting, the more I'm filled with trepidation and fear. This is the first time in the 21 years together that he will be taking a trip ("vacation") without me but WITH someone else; someone else he is romantically involved in and as horrible as it sounds I don't know if I can handle not having him with me. I don't know if I can handle him being gone. My identity is him and my children. I'm starting to feel abandoned and I don't want to feel like that because I DO love what R, CG and I have going on. I'm just not too fond of this part.

If that is the only problem I had to contend with I am sure I would be able to work it out but the trip has become even more complicated. R's entire family lives up there to include OUR grandma (she will be 99 this year) who lives in a nursing home and his mother whom he only started talking to again a few weeks ago after an extremely strained relationship. We recently discovered that she has terminal cancer and isn't expected to live much longer. He wants to make his peace with her when he goes up there. He has also mentioned he wants to go see our grandma in the nursing home (she is 3 hours away from where he will be staying).

I have asked him that if he does choose to go see his mother and grandma to please go alone and it made him a little angry with me. I know it sounds very unfair for me to ask her not to go and him to go alone but I've got A LOT of emotions about all of this that I just can't process or handle. Our grandma is so dear to both of us and it has always been OUR thing as we are driving into town to go visit grandpa's grave, kiss his headstone and tidy up grandma's parents graves, then go buy grandma a treat and visit her in the nursing home before we proceed to visit the rest of our family. I am not ready to have my place taken in that regard if she goes with him. That would crush me. As for his mother, I have told R that I don't want CG to go with him to visit her because she and I have a lot of peace to make ourselves before I feel another woman should be introduced into the situation.

CG has been an angel on Earth helping me work out how I am feeling but R seems not to care about my feelings. He is acting like I am inconveniencing him with my "demands" and trying to control what he does and doesn't do when he is up there. How do I deal with all of these feelings? How do I deal with R? Even if R wanted to I know CG would put him in his place and not disrespect my wishes. I just feel like my world has suddenly started to spin out of control. Help.
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Old 01-08-2014, 10:38 PM
london london is offline
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I don't think you have the right to tell him who he can and cannot take to see his family members. You can tell him how you'd feel, sure, but that's his family and he has the right to interact with them how he sees fit. Especially at this poignant time.

And I can't see why CG would refuse to support her partner if he needed her support when dealing with his family issues. It's like the only person who doesn't feel your needs are always the priority is your husband. And in my opinion, he is absolutely right.

What I would do is be there for my husband by supporting him through this rough patch in a way that meets his needs first. Put mine on the back burner for a second. Let him do what he needs to do whilst he is away with support from people he wants it from and trust that he wants to maintain your family unit. Even when you don't believe it, even if it helps to say you don't believe it out loud to him or someone else, let your actions show that you trust him, support him and can consequently give him the space and freedom to do what he needs to do.
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Old 01-08-2014, 10:55 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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This would be difficult for me to navigate.

On the one hand, sure - he has his own agency and can take whomever he wants to meet anyone he wants to see.

But this is family that you have a shared history with, even if that history isn't all that good (especially if that history isn't all that good and you want the chance to make peace). One of whom is not expected to live much longer. It sounds like you're feeling displaced - that you should be seeing these people, since there's a relationship there already, and that this has more poignancy than a "meet the family" trip should have.

Perhaps explaining this to him in "I language" ("I feel that I want to make my own peace with your mother and I worry that that chance will be taken from me if you go with your GF and I don't get the chance to go before she passes away.") rather than flat-out restricting him from bringing his GF will help him understand your point of view?
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops: My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
My slightly more polished blog (external): From Baltic to Boardwalk
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Old 01-08-2014, 11:06 PM
TroisForte TroisForte is offline
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YouAreHere: I am in tears. You said exactly the things I am feeling but didn't articulate as well. I don't forbid him or restrict him to do anything. Perhaps the way I described my approach with him didn't come across the way I intended. This is my family just as much as his and there is a history there. I'm not looking for people to tell me I'm right but I don't want to be selfish either. Just the fact that you seem to understand where I'm coming from is just a sigh of relief YouAreHere.
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Old 01-08-2014, 11:09 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Hugs, TF...

Give the "I-language" a shot, or point him here if you think it'll help. Would it be financially (and schedule-wise) feasible to plan two trips, one for you and your husband to see family and wrap up loose ends, and then a separate trip for him and his GF?
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops: My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
My slightly more polished blog (external): From Baltic to Boardwalk
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Old 01-08-2014, 11:28 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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I totally get why you would feel these fears. I am married and would have some fears of my own in your situation. A shaky ground is never the ideal place for the fragile or new experiences.
But what you imagine happening in these interactions you won't be around for, you are imagining worst case possibilities , not actualities or guarantees. Is there a possible outcome that you won't feel supported in should it come to pass? How likely are these worst case scenarios? Remember you are placing limitations on others based on possibility and guaranteed outcomes. So you need to really know why your fears are at the levels where you would consider limiting others and be able to articulate them.
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Old 01-08-2014, 11:53 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I completely understand.
I am very close with my father in law.
He moved away about 8 years ago.
A couple of years ago he came to visit for the first time in several years.

Maca went to pick him up and took him to meet a potential girlfriend before I even got to see him.
I was hurt and I was angry. To be honest, dad was confused. He KNOWS about our lifestyle, but he was here to see family and she wasn't family. She wasn't anyone to him.
It didn't click for Maca until after the fact.

I would definitely go for the "I" statements.

BUT-in light of the complications and how high HIS emotions may be, how much he may need some emotional support after meeting with these two people;
Maybe he is defensive because HE needs someone there to support him when he see's them? Maybe it's not so much about "the girlfriend" being with him, but not being alone.
Reconnecting can be scary. Reconnecting with someone who is dying is a mix of scary and loss and anger and a host of other emotions.

Possibly, if you could consider it from THAT viewpoint, talk with the girlfriend and tell her how you feel BUT also tell her that you don't want him to be alone either and hope she will be there with him; so he isn't alone.
Maybe that will help you to feel better about it.

Because the bottom line is that these people, even though there is a history, they are dying. They won't be around to give a shit one way or the other about you or the girlfriend much longer.
But-this man you both love, he's going to have to live with the loss.

Sometimes, I find that loving someone means doing what's best for them even though it's painful AND that in doing so, I find out that I feel better for having taken that step anyway...
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Old 01-09-2014, 12:10 AM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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This popped into my head on the way home from work and I had to put it down... apologies if I'm being annoying with all the posts.

What if, instead of two trips, or whatever, he planned for a slightly longer trip - the two of you could go out at the beginning for a couple days and make the difficult family visits, be there for each other, and make your own individual peace with his mother (and see his grandmother as well). Then, after a couple days, you could head home and he could continue his trip to be with his GF. Maybe take her to see the family if they want that, but that would be their portion of the trip.

No extra plane tickets for him, you get to see the family, he gets to see the family, and he gets time with his GF. Maybe, if you all wanted, you could meet his GF as well, but I won't jump the gun.

Would something like this work for you?
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids, two cats, one house with many projects.
Chops: My partner of ~3 years. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

My navel-gazing blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
My slightly more polished blog (external): From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #9  
Old 01-09-2014, 04:07 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
This popped into my head on the way home from work and I had to put it down... apologies if I'm being annoying with all the posts.

What if, instead of two trips, or whatever, he planned for a slightly longer trip - the two of you could go out at the beginning for a couple days and make the difficult family visits, be there for each other, and make your own individual peace with his mother (and see his grandmother as well). Then, after a couple days, you could head home and he could continue his trip to be with his GF. Maybe take her to see the family if they want that, but that would be their portion of the trip.

No extra plane tickets for him, you get to see the family, he gets to see the family, and he gets time with his GF. Maybe, if you all wanted, you could meet his GF as well, but I won't jump the gun.

Would something like this work for you?
I think that's a good compromise. I would feel left out and honestly some things i think are just special for N and me ans I want to keep it that way. I guarantee any tripa back jome would be including me.
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Old 01-09-2014, 07:26 AM
london london is offline
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I understand that she wants to make peace with his mother, but why isn't that a separate issue than his girlfriend going with him to see his family? If it's as simple as wife trumps girlfriend, let's just stick a hierarchy label on this thread and move on. But it doesn't seem like everyone does believe that Wife Always Wins.

Sure Wifey should schedule a family visit and soon, but there is no reason for girlfriend to be banned in the meantime. If his mother is going to die soon, it might similarly important to him to meet his girlfriend before she goes. I think the OP is finding it difficult to fathom how someone else could be that important to him. Polyamory, eh?

Last edited by london; 01-09-2014 at 11:02 AM.
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