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  #11  
Old 03-01-2014, 12:30 AM
friskyone4u friskyone4u is offline
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Juber,

I agree with the poster who stated you had better make sure your agreed upon boundaries are adhered to. Just because H of woman your wife is interested in wanted to make sure you knew about the meeting, does NOT mean he will not try to get your wife into bed. And if he is present when all the passion starts, that could easily happen, especially if you throw in a little alcohol.

Personally, until this arrangement proves to be workable, I would have insisted on no other men at the meeting and date, unless you are now OK with the possibility of what could happen. You two should go over your agreed upon boundaries again and have a serious discussion after if the meeting actually takes place.

Good luck
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  #12  
Old 03-01-2014, 03:01 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by juber View Post
I myself haven't felt a "need" to go actively looking
You answered your own question imho
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  #13  
Old 03-01-2014, 03:25 AM
juber juber is offline
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Thank you again everyone for the additional replies.

My wife is very aware of the DH situation and I trust her not to put herself into a situation in which she is compromised. She has myy every confidence.

Ariakas is absolutely right. I'm going to focus on just making a few friends in the poly scene. Not for anything except to discuss any issues that come up.
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  #14  
Old 03-01-2014, 06:25 AM
Tiberius Tiberius is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
I never go actively looking for anyone.

I go about living my life and meeting people the old fashioned way.

Yes I am poly but I focus on having quality relationships not the number. If Butch where to pass away or we were to divorce. I could easily see myself in a monogamous relationship for a while
This goes for me too.

I mean, yeah, I'm poly, but I'm not going to go out looking for someone to fall for. If it happens, then I will pursue it, but I'm not actively seeking another relationship.
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  #15  
Old 03-01-2014, 06:51 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
NO ONE got a partner or multiple partners by staying at home and quietly going about our business. If you want another romantic relationship, you have to be actively maintaining and building friendships, in varying degrees, of course.
False.

I threw up a profile on OKC one night because I was bored and the personality questions are fun. I wasn't remotely "looking." A few months later, Auto re-entered the dating scene and started perusing OKC. We matched >90% so she fired off a message. I was intrigued, we went on a coffee date, and *click* we've been together for 2+ years now.

Indeed, the best things in my life have always fallen serendipitously into my lap, with little to no effort on my part. My motto has become "If things aren't working out, stop trying so hard."
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #16  
Old 03-01-2014, 06:58 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I myself haven't felt a "need" to go actively looking but I don't deny that it sounds nice to have someone that I can connect with outside our marriage as well. I also won't deny that, after only having three sex partners in my life, the idea of a new sexual partner is titillating.

I just feel a bit of a pull that it might be nice to have another person to connect with on different levels. Perhaps I could find another partner that's more interested in these sorts of topics and even some activism.
I think these are good reasons to at least be open to the possibilities. Whether you actively go looking or just let the universe deliver as it will is up to you and your personal tendency. For example, how did you meet your wife? That strategy seems to have worked fairly well.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #17  
Old 03-01-2014, 07:57 AM
Tiberius Tiberius is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
False.

I threw up a profile on OKC one night because I was bored and the personality questions are fun. I wasn't remotely "looking." A few months later, Auto re-entered the dating scene and started perusing OKC. We matched >90% so she fired off a message. I was intrigued, we went on a coffee date, and *click* we've been together for 2+ years now.

Indeed, the best things in my life have always fallen serendipitously into my lap, with little to no effort on my part. My motto has become "If things aren't working out, stop trying so hard."
False. Your experience is statistically insignificant.

lol, just kidding. But while you may be lucky enough to have things like that happen for you, not everyone is so fortunate. For many people, finding and developing a good relationship takes quite a bit of work.
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  #18  
Old 03-01-2014, 08:11 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I think part of the problem is that a lot of people get attached to one specific outcome, and close themselves off to other possibilities that could be equally fulfilling.

While I won't deny that I'm incredibly fortunate in many areas of my life, a lot of that is also just choosing to be happy about the things that happen instead of fretting over the things that don't.

It wasn't always that way. When I was young and stupid, I always tried to make things be the way I thought I wanted. I would push and push. But Newton's Third Law: the harder I pushed, the harder the universe pushed back.

Also, I don't disagree with the work required for the "developing" a relationship part. I just don't, personally, believe in the strategy of going out and looking for partners. I'm not alone in this, it's come up a lot on the forum and many of the people who are in longer term successful relationships have found them not by trying but just by being open and letting life happen.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #19  
Old 03-01-2014, 10:22 AM
Tiberius Tiberius is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I think part of the problem is that a lot of people get attached to one specific outcome, and close themselves off to other possibilities that could be equally fulfilling.

While I won't deny that I'm incredibly fortunate in many areas of my life, a lot of that is also just choosing to be happy about the things that happen instead of fretting over the things that don't.
Wise words, my friend.

Quote:
Also, I don't disagree with the work required for the "developing" a relationship part. I just don't, personally, believe in the strategy of going out and looking for partners. I'm not alone in this, it's come up a lot on the forum and many of the people who are in longer term successful relationships have found them not by trying but just by being open and letting life happen.
I would argue that you did take steps to find someone, even if it was something as simple as setting up a profile on some website. The same thing happened to me, in a way. I met my current girlfriend on a website after she saw my profile, but I had to go through quite a few other girls before we met.
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  #20  
Old 03-01-2014, 04:27 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by Tiberius View Post
I would argue that you did take steps to find someone, even if it was something as simple as setting up a profile on some website. The same thing happened to me, in a way. I met my current girlfriend on a website after she saw my profile, but I had to go through quite a few other girls before we met.
Fair enough. To me that's more just a matter of making myself available and open to possibilities, and then taking an opportunity when it presented itself.

I also admit that while I myself was not actively seeking, Auto was, and if she hadn't been, she wouldn't have found me.

Similarly, when I found my research supervisor, I was shopping around. Two people independently suggested I get in touch with him. I did and he liked my CV and the rest is history. There was a bit of serendipity in that while I was meeting with him, another of his colleagues dropped in for their weekly chat and I found out that guy's group was looking for a student to put on a scholarship application they'd already filled out. That, ultimately, scored me two free trips to Japan and a $2000 computer to play with at school, as well as some good "name dropping" connections should I ever need them.

I guess all I'm trying to say is that yeah, if you want to meet people, you can't isolate yourself entirely... but you don't necessarily have to be pounding the pavement either.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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