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  #1  
Old 02-28-2014, 03:04 PM
juber juber is offline
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Default Should I be "looking"?

So I have a question for the rest of you.

Many of you already likely know my current situation. If not you can read bout it here.

To sum up, my wife is Bi and has recently felt the strong need for female companionship. This has led her to ask for an opening of our marriage so that she may explore these very strong feelings. She has found a friend within a month and they will be meeting up together for the first time in a few weeks.

I myself haven't felt a "need" to go actively looking but I don't deny that it sounds nice to have someone that I can connect with outside our marriage as well. I also won't deny that, after only having three sex partners in my life, the idea of a new sexual partner is titillating. I'm not unhappy with my marriage in any way and I am not Adonis but our sex life is good.

I just feel a bit of a pull that it might be nice to have another person to connect with on different levels. My wife and I connect on a lot of things but there are certain topics I feel strongly about that she just isn't interested in talking about. Perhaps I could find another partner that's more interested in these sorts of topics and even some activism.

So, is this enough that I should perhaps go looking for another partner?

If I do, does it make sense to wait until my wife's external relationship is solidly established before I go looking? (my feeling is that Yes, it does make sense to do this)

I'm not looking for advice on how to look, I think I can figure that out on my own. I just want to know if anyone else has faced this. Does it sound like I actually want another partner, or am I just entertaining the idea because my wife has something outside out marriage I should too?

I don't get out of the house a lot - but I occasionally go to game conventions (like Gencon) and I could possibly meet some people there. There is also a pretty open poly community nearby and I know a friend who is openly Poly and would probably be happy to introduce me around.

Thoughts?
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  #2  
Old 02-28-2014, 03:16 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Personally, if you truly have the need, I wouldn't wait. It's very nice of you to want to wait until your wife gets her thing going, but honestly, what they're doing is mostly independent of you. Sure there's some time balancing issues, but ultimately their thing is their thing.

One question springs to mind when I read your post: are you comfortable being alone? I see you're an otaku (in the non-pejorative sense) and there's nothing wrong with that. I love doing cosplay myself and it gives me time to just be me and be alone with my thoughts. Being comfortable with yourself isn't easy, but I'm learning more and more myself that it's a critical survival skill.

I think finding someone new (if it's the right person) would be healthy. More love is more love.
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  #3  
Old 02-28-2014, 03:24 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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I'm in a very direct mood, so hope you understand if I don't take a gentle and "Awww, it'll be okay," tone.

Quote:
Originally Posted by juber View Post
So, is this enough that I should perhaps go looking for another partner?
How should I know? It's your body. You get to choose what to do with it. Or are you asking should you be actually looking at all-- or should you wait for a girlfriend to drop into your lap? I'd suggest the former, as girlfriends tend not to do the "dropping in lap" thing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by juber View Post
If I do, does it make sense to wait until my wife's external relationship is solidly established before I go looking? (my feeling is that Yes, it does make sense to do this)
It doesn't make any sense at all, to me. Why do you need to wait on your end? What does "established" mean? If your marriage is ready to be opened, then I don't see why you both can't go looking. In your position, I'd be pretty pissed if my partner said, "I'm going to date others, but you have to wait for mine to be 'established' first."

Quote:
Originally Posted by juber View Post
Does it sound like I actually want another partner, or am I just entertaining the idea because my wife has something outside out marriage I should too?
I'm not a mind reader. If you want to date others, that's cool. If you only want other partners because SHE does, that's not cool at all. Which is it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by juber View Post
I don't get out of the house a lot - but I occasionally go to game conventions (like Gencon) and I could possibly meet some people there. There is also a pretty open poly community nearby and I know a friend who is openly Poly and would probably be happy to introduce me around.
Yep. You could. What's stopping you?

Look, don't get a girlfriend just because you can. But if you want to connect to others, you really just have to get out there and start talking to people. It works kind of like dating monogamously. It sucks. You get rejected. And maybe you find someone cool.
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  #4  
Old 02-28-2014, 03:35 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I never go actively looking for anyone.

I go about living my life and meeting people the old fashioned way.

Yes I am poly but I focus on having quality relationships not the number. If Butch where to pass away or we were to divorce. I could easily see myself in a monogamous relationship for a while
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  #5  
Old 02-28-2014, 03:49 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I just feel a bit of a pull that it might be nice to have another person to connect with on different levels. My wife and I connect on a lot of things but there are certain topics I feel strongly about that she just isn't interested in talking about. Perhaps I could find another partner that's more interested in these sorts of topics and even some activism.

So, is this enough that I should perhaps go looking for another partner?
Up to you. Maybe you want more friends, maybe you want another romantic partner.

Quote:
If I do, does it make sense to wait until my wife's external relationship is solidly established before I go looking? (my feeling is that Yes, it does make sense to do this)
If that is your gut feeling, go with it. Because how adept you are at weathering change and what dating resources (time, energy, effort, money, etc) you have to hand -- only you know. If this is the best time, it's the best time. If this is not the best time, it is not the best time.

I will note the polymath is not additive -- it is geometric. Going from 2 to 3 is a big change. Going from 2 to 4 is a bigger change.

Galagirl
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Old 02-28-2014, 04:01 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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It varies. Since you and your wife are brand new to poly, it might be well to wait until (or IF) her new relationship is chugging along.

If she is in NRE, and then you find someone new and are also in NRE, that can be complicated! I started my blog here a few years ago, when I was just getting started with my gf miss pixi, meeting men who I felt all twitterpated about, and then miss pixi also had a new bf. It was a lot to deal with!

NRE can cause some people to neglect or emotionally bruise their established partners, so make sure you both take steps to stay connected.

I've got 2 established partners now. In the past half year, my bf Ginger has dated 4 others, and I've stopped dating anyone new, partly because I kept being disappointed in people I've tried to date, and more recently because I've had trouble dealing emotionally with Ginger having a new potential every couple months... ugh. Example: seeing Mischa on Tuesday, C on Saturday and Buddhist the following week! Yikes. My head is spinning. Right now all these potentials have fallen through and I am hoping for a period of calm.
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  #7  
Old 02-28-2014, 04:26 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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I would definitely recommend socializing in the poly community and trying to make more poly friends. If your wife is going to be in a poly relationship, you will likely need more support and advice than you can get on a forum, the kind of support you can get from trusted friends. Polyamory ain't easy.

If something catches fire with a new friend, great. I don't think you need to actively look for a partner per se. In fact, my experience has been that when I am the most invested in an outcome like that (finding a new partner), it doesn't happen. My partners tend to show up in my life when I'm not really looking. And I know many other poly people who report this as well.

You should know that it is possible to use poly and poly-friendly dating sites like OKcupid to just make friends. I have made many online friends over the years who I never ended up dating. I also recommend checking out meetup.com and seeing what poly groups exist in your area beyond the one you know about, if any. If not, you can start one.
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  #8  
Old 02-28-2014, 04:52 PM
juber juber is offline
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Thanks everyone for your responses. I see very good points in all of them. I keep starting a reply and then having to start again because of a new post. If you replied and I miss addressing you directly I apologize but know that I did read and appreciate your response.

I suppose I am a bit Otaku although it's mostly because I have a job that allows me to work from home full time (and often more than full time lol). I am pretty comfortable being "alone" if she goes out or whatever. But who is ever *really* alone in a house with a 2 and 7 year old

That is, of course, another thing to consider. Can't neglect the kiddos in pursuit of PolyFriends! Kids come first, always.

I also play video games and tabletop RPGs across Google+. When I do go out it's with the family or rarely to visit a friend.

Indeed, my inclination is to just "wait and see" if something comes up that fits. I may try the OKCupid thing just to come into contact with some people in my area that might be able to offer friendship and understand what I am going through.

PolyInPractice, don't sweat the directness. I appreciate frank questions to make me examine my own feelings and thought processes. To be clear the idea of waiting is my own "gut reaction" as GalaGirl said. I just feel like it might make more sense to let my wife get through her NRE and crushing before I potentially start my own. My wife has placed NO restrictions on my side of things.

A good point Magdlyn about people in NRE being rather obsessed by the high intensity feelings over the established relationship.

A good point also from GalaGirl about "polymath" not being additive. I can see how things can get exponentially more complicated.

Examining my own feelings I think part of me is eager to explore this new aspect of our marriage. But I also think that anything outside the marriage for me would need to be a low key thing. So anything outside the marriage would be slow and perhaps not even sexual to start but with the potential down the road. I would rather connect with someone at the mental and emotional level first rather than at the physical.

Talking through this with you all and hearing your perspectives has helped me examine my own feelings and clarify things with myself. I don't think it's by any means settled but it's clearer.

I think I'll look at OKCupid like scarletzinnia mentioned and see what it's like. Maybe throw up a profile and see what comes up.


Thank you everyone for responding and to anyone still going to respond. I will be happy to see anyone elses thoughts on the matter as well.
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  #9  
Old 02-28-2014, 08:20 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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By the way, there's a difference between "actively looking," in the sense of seeking a romantic partner, and building relationships.

NO ONE got a partner or multiple partners by staying at home and quietly going about our business. If you want another romantic relationship, you have to be actively maintaining and building friendships, in varying degrees, of course.

But if you focus too much on whether someone might be a potential date? It's actually detrimental. You know what they say, you never find what you're looking for until you stop looking.

I'm not saying don't try at ALL, but focusing on people, as people first, might find you connecting to someone in a way you never even considered. Don't worry about the romantic connection till later.
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  #10  
Old 02-28-2014, 08:30 PM
juber juber is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
But if you focus too much on whether someone might be a potential date? It's actually detrimental. You know what they say, you never find what you're looking for until you stop looking.

I'm not saying don't try at ALL, but focusing on people, as people first, might find you connecting to someone in a way you never even considered. Don't worry about the romantic connection till later.
Thank you for that because that makes a lot of bloody sense. I think I'd like to just build some new friendships with poly friendly/knowledgeable people and see where things go.

My current circle of friends only includes a single person I know is poly and we've kinda drifted apart with my having a family and a full on career but I think maybe I'll reach out to her.
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