New Aussie guy

Tiberius

Member
Hey there! Aussie guy, and I'm here because I'm in a great relationship with my gf of nearly four years and I'm also attracted to another girl at work. I don't want to do the whole sneaking around behind my gf's back because I love her and value our relationship way too much for that, and I also don't think that I should be forced to not explore a possible relationship with the other girl. But at the moment, it's just me and my gf.
 
Greetings and welcome. I've been living in Oz for a bit under a year.

Is your girlfriend okay with it? Does this other woman know about your feelings for her? Is she aware of you being polyamorous? I used to believe that you should not ignore feelings for other. As long as everyone is on board and willing, it usually works much more efficiently.

I do hope that you find the forum useful. There truly is a wealth of information from seasoned parties and older members. I hope all is well your way. xo

Ry
 
Greetings and welcome. I've been living in Oz for a bit under a year.

Is your girlfriend okay with it? Does this other woman know about your feelings for her? Is she aware of you being polyamorous? I used to believe that you should not ignore feelings for other. As long as everyone is on board and willing, it usually works much more efficiently.

I do hope that you find the forum useful. There truly is a wealth of information from seasoned parties and older members. I hope all is well your way. xo

Ry

I've been telling my gf about the girl at work, and my gf knows I'm interested. Still sorting out the whole poly thing with my gf atm, but it's going pretty well. However, my relationship with the GaW is, at the moment, just friends. We've chatted at work mostly, but also got together after her shift one day for lunch and we had a pretty good time. All of this is with my gf's knowledge, of course. I'm completely honest and open with her.

As for the GaW, I'm not sure. I'm sure she knows I like her; I've given her some back rubs when she's had tight knots in her back muscles, but it was never anything really naughty (it's been in public, not private). She knows I have a gf, but I haven't told her that I'm poly. It's hard for me to judge how she'd respond. Sometimes I get the feeling that she'd be okay with it, but sometimes I get the feeling that she'd shy away from doing anything with me because I'm in a relationship.

Thanks for the well wishes.
 
Greetings Tiberius,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I guess with GaW you just open up a little at a time. At some point you'll want to say those two dreaded words, "I'm poly," to her, and add, "Is that alright?" If she says "what's poly" then you have an opening to carry that conversation further.

No need to hurry, take some time to see what Polyamory.com has to offer in the way of existing threads and any new threads stemming from your thoughts and/or questions. FullofLove is right, there's a lot of valuable wisdom here you can tap into.

Glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
A bit more about me and the whole poly thing with my gf...

We've spoken about how it's going to work. I do believe that complete openness is absolutely vital, and I think everyone here will agree with me. We've developed a few rules. When it comes to emotional relationships, aka another girlfriend, then it's not something I'm going to go looking for. The way I see it, I don't really NEED to go and find an emotionally fulfilling relationship because I've got one with my gf, and this whole poly thing isn't an excuse for me to go and rack up as many points as I can. But, if I start getting feelings for someone, then I am able to pursue it. In other words, if it happens, then it happens, but I'm not going to go trying to make something happen. This is the situation I'm in with the girl at work. I'm getting feelings for her, and I want to see where it leads.

We've also got an agreement regarding casual sex. Namely, no emotional attachments. After all, it's just sex for the sake of sex, and (if you'll excuse me for being blunt about it), using another person as a sex toy, basically.
 
No falling in love except with your (primary) gf, if I understand right?

Should be fine, as long as all involved adults are consenting.
 
No falling in love except with your (primary) gf, if I understand right?

Should be fine, as long as all involved adults are consenting.

Not quite.

No going out and seeking a new romantic relationship. But if I do fall for someone, I can pursue it.
 
Ohhh ... sorry, my bad.

Okay that makes sense. Falling in love is something that happens, after all. Not like you can say, "No, heart, you're not allowed." ;)
 
Ohhh ... sorry, my bad.

Okay that makes sense. Falling in love is something that happens, after all. Not like you can say, "No, heart, you're not allowed." ;)

Exactly. Like I said, I'm not going out TRYING to make it happen. After all, I don't need to go and find an emotionally fulfilling relationship; I've already got one.

But if I start falling for someone, I'm not going to force myself away. That's just painful. I'm lucky my gf is understanding about that. She knows that, no matter how I feel about anyone else, I'll still be madly in love with her as well.
 
That sounds like a good deal to me. :)
 
If/when you talk to GaW, have you thought about how you're going to sell her on poly? What's the benefit to her of dating someone already in a committed relationship?
 
If/when you talk to GaW, have you thought about how you're going to sell her on poly? What's the benefit to her of dating someone already in a committed relationship?

Well, if she has feelings for me too, then I'm hoping she'll say yes to the whole thing. Of course I'm going to explain to her that I'm poly and that my gf is okay with me going after another relationship. I'm trying to sell her on ME, not polyamory.
 
I'm trying to sell her on ME, not polyamory.

And yet, she'd be agreeing not only to you, but also to polyamory. Most people, when they enter a relationship, are prone to things like falling in love, which not always, but typically, leads to wanting more with that person: commitment, long term, living together, mingling finances, possibly children, vacations together, sharing lives, being part of one another's families and circle of friends.

How much of this can you offer her as a possibility? How much of it do you think she is seeking out of a relationship?
 
Presumably GaW would be free to seek other partner/s in addition to Tiberius. Tiberius could be a "secondary" partner to GaW, while another partner could be her "primary."

Or GaW and Tiberius' existing girlfriend could share primary roles in his life. The three of them would need to negotiate that if they were all three interested in it.

And there's this bit of perspective: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=257626#post257626

None of this is to say that polyamory would be GaW's thing. That's up to her. The simplest way to pursue the ideal white picket fence is, I'm sure, to remain strictly monogamous.
 
And yet, she'd be agreeing not only to you, but also to polyamory.

Not quite. Any other partner apart from my gf would have to accept that I am poly, but I wouldn't expect that she also be poly. My gf isn't poly, for example, but she accepts that I am.

Most people, when they enter a relationship, are prone to things like falling in love, which not always, but typically, leads to wanting more with that person: commitment, long term, living together, mingling finances, possibly children, vacations together, sharing lives, being part of one another's families and circle of friends.

How much of this can you offer her as a possibility? How much of it do you think she is seeking out of a relationship?

This logic would seem to suggest that no poly relationship could ever work, and yet this website is proof that just isn't true.
 
Presumably GaW would be free to seek other partner/s in addition to Tiberius. Tiberius could be a "secondary" partner to GaW, while another partner could be her "primary."

Exactly. I mean, my gf isn't poly, but if she decided to try it and see if it worked for her, I wouldn't be upset. Same with GaW.

Or GaW and Tiberius' existing girlfriend could share primary roles in his life. The three of them would need to negotiate that if they were all three interested in it.

Again, I fully agree. Any relationship I may end up in with GaW will mean I have to be open and honest and communicating about it all between GaW and my gf.
 
Spent a few hours with GaW yesterday evening. Not like a date or anything, but she was working and I popped in to visit (the nature of our work has us working alone for the most part). Got some dinner and had a good chat. Also sat with my arm around her shoulders too, so I'm taking it as evidence that she likes me. And she was in a bit of a bad mood when I popped in, and I helped her feel better.

So looking up, I think.
 
I've decided that next time I see GaW outside of the work environment, when we can arrange something like getting together for the day, I'm going to ask her out. Hopefully this will also give me a chance to tell her about the whole poly thing too. Not sure when it will be though; we're probably not going to be able to see each other until the beginning of next week. :S Hopefully she'll say yes.

BTW, could a mod move this to the life stories/blogs area? It's developing more into that sort of thread...
 
Sometimes this sort of thing will escape the mods' notice, so you might want to contact one of them directly: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showgroups.php

So you are thinking of asking GaW out on an all-day type of a date, eh? How much does she know so far, does she know you already have a girlfriend?
 
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