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Old 06-22-2015, 11:35 AM
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Bunnielight Bunnielight is offline
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Default The Best of Both Worlds? - HELP?

My husband and I became poly about 6 months ago. It's been an interesting journey.
In short, Pixie and Dean was the first couple we talked to there in the very beginning. Over the course of 4 weeks we were all advancing a relationship up until people felt too much pressure and our friendships collapsed.
Pixie and Dean then did not talk to us for about 4 months.

After some time, they came back around and wanted to repair things. They've been quite humble and appreciative ever since. Pixie and Zed hit it off again and they became official last week.

Around the same time is when I started easing up on Dean and allowing him to be my friend again. *see my blog for more details*
After several times of seeing each other and hanging out in the same group and such, he started again expressing appreciation for me and then Friday dropped the "So I feel like I messed up something really good..." and has now asked me over for a movie night.


Here's where things get kind of sticky....
For about 2 months now, I have been talking to a good friend of Zeds that lives out of town, Cuba (in my home town and still close enough). Someone I have been drawn to for a very long time and things are progressing as they should. Right now he and I have a FWB agreement while we figure out how we feel and see where this goes.
Personally, I am hugely emotionally invested. My priority, however, is to see him happy. He is a wonderful human being with huge integrity and unbreakable loyalty. I absolutely adore this man. I just don't know that he wants anything more than FWB (hoping to discuss this when I see him next week)

And now Dean is expressing interest again.
Zed believes I should give him a fair chance. We never actually had one before, but he had already been somewhat dishonest and misleading even then which is what has turned me off of the whole situation. This whole things is bringing up past feelings, but I'm realizing that I have significant more feelings for Cuba than I ever did Dean. But Zed still doesn't believe that my out of town thing should affect me having something here closer.

My friends, on the other hand, feel differently. They think he is being pushy on something that should be natural. That I obviously have something going on that he has taken no interest in.

I might add to this later, I have to work. I just need advice here. Dean is going to be around and it seems his emotions on this may be a little fragile. :/
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F, 25, photographer, married to Zed, poly, bisexual tendancies
*Zed*: M, 29, comedian/producer/musician, LT partner and husband, hetero-poly

*Dean*: M, 31, musician/front man/graphic designer, Pixie's 2nd husband, bi-curious poly, my BF
*Pixie*: F, 28, musician/mother of 3, Dean's wife, center of large poly network, Zed's GF

*Cuba*: M, 34, comedian/graphic designer, solo poly, friend of mine and Zeds (4yrs), (FWB)
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  #2  
Old 06-22-2015, 12:37 PM
tenK tenK is offline
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I'd say there is no harm in going to the movie night and letting things take their natural course. Just because you had something with him before, it doesn't mean you have to jump right into things at that level - just hang out and see how you both feel, and let it develop naturally (or not). Sounds like you have a lovely thing going with Cuba and there's no need for this to get in the way as long as you feel like you have the time and energy for both. If you don't, then you need to be clear with Dean exactly how much tie you *can* offer him (if any), whether as a friend or something more.

Are you worried that he is going to have expectations that you and he will slide right back into whatever you had before (sorry, I haven't read your blog), or that you and he should have a similar relationship, in terms of intensity and time spent, as Pixie and Zed? If so, best to address those concerns head on I think. Maybe just establish from the outset that you are treating this as a fresh start, and explain that you have extra commitments now with Cuba which already makes this very different from before, and see where the chips fall.
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People tenK (bi, f, early 30's) is likely to blabber on about, and why:

Nina (bi, f, late 20's) <- life-partners with tenK; Scandi (hetero, m, early 30's) <- dating/fwb with tenK; Aries (heteroflex, m, early 40's) <- fwb with tenK and Nina
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  #3  
Old 06-22-2015, 10:10 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Bunnielight,

I guess my vote is to go ahead and pursue things with both Dean and Cuba, but go at a slow pace. I think tenK gave good advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 06-23-2015, 12:17 AM
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You can have as many men as you want - the world is your oyster!
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 06-23-2015, 01:46 AM
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Bunnielight Bunnielight is offline
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I find this very interesting. You all and Zed are the only ones I've told who feel like I should give Dean a chance.

Of course, most of the other people are not poly, but I digress.

Maybe it's because I'm new to poly or maybe I'm just stubborn, but I feel a particular drive in my life where I know what caliber of man I want to be with. Is it wrong of me to feel that I'm not sure that Dean fits that bill? *genuine question*

I don't think he's a bad person. He is obviously very talented and driven. He has a fantastic stage persona, but he fails to exercise a backbone when it is needed. I have a hard time not seeing him as an insincere coward even though he's really put in his best effort as of late.
Zed keeps telling me "Give the guy some credit. He doesn't do this."
Today is the first day he HASNT text me in over a week now.

I suppose I fear him rushing something just because it's easy and falling back into his self centered and inconsistent communication patterns. I don't want something because it's easy. I want him to actually want it.
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F, 25, photographer, married to Zed, poly, bisexual tendancies
*Zed*: M, 29, comedian/producer/musician, LT partner and husband, hetero-poly

*Dean*: M, 31, musician/front man/graphic designer, Pixie's 2nd husband, bi-curious poly, my BF
*Pixie*: F, 28, musician/mother of 3, Dean's wife, center of large poly network, Zed's GF

*Cuba*: M, 34, comedian/graphic designer, solo poly, friend of mine and Zeds (4yrs), (FWB)
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Old 06-23-2015, 02:26 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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I think that you should do what you want.

We are not obligated to give everyone interested in us a chance...or a second chance, even if other people think it would work out fine - they aren't the one's that are having that particular relationship. If I felt that someone was an "insecure coward" - I probably wouldn't want them as a friend, let alone a dating partner.

Now, if they were super-hot and awesome in bed then I might consider them as a "fuck-buddy" - as long as they know not to contact me or expect anything from me. I'm thinking that could be awkward in a in a situation where your husband is dating his wife...(I have a sexual/play relationship with Lotus's husband - which is NOT awkward, because he and I are fine with having sexual contact withOUT feelings being involved, but I also have no negative feelings about him.)
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  #7  
Old 06-23-2015, 06:25 AM
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rubidoux rubidoux is offline
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I think the only good reason to get involved with him is because YOU want to. Don't do it because someone else wants you to. And certainly don't get into a relationship with this guy just to facilitate Zed's relationship with his wife. Yikes!

I'm not saying don't do it. If you want to, you should!
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Old 06-24-2015, 02:12 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Re (from Bunnielight):
Quote:
"I feel a particular drive in my life where I know what caliber of man I want to be with. Is it wrong of me to feel that I'm not sure that Dean fits that bill?"
Certainly not. You have every right to choose who you do/don't date/partner with, based on your own criteria. If Dean doesn't feel right to you, I say trust your instincts.
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Old 06-24-2015, 02:25 AM
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You are aware that the fact that Zed is dating/fucking/involved with Pixie does not mean you have to date/fuck/involve yourself with Dean... right???? Just because they are a couple does not mean you and Zed have to date them as a couple!!!! Not saying there is no attraction there, but I get the feeling that Dean is pursuing you mostly because he thinks he has to, if his wife is with your hubs. Many misguided newbies believe that is how you're "supposed to" do poly. Ugh. Don't go there if you don't feel it.

I think you should definitely keep seeing where it goes with Cuba - it sounds like you are really liking what is happening with him.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 06-24-2015 at 02:29 AM.
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Old 06-25-2015, 06:53 PM
icesong icesong is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
You are aware that the fact that Zed is dating/fucking/involved with Pixie does not mean you have to date/fuck/involve yourself with Dean... right???? Just because they are a couple does not mean you and Zed have to date them as a couple!!!! Not saying there is no attraction there, but I get the feeling that Dean is pursuing you mostly because he thinks he has to, if his wife is with your hubs. Many misguided newbies believe that is how you're "supposed to" do poly. Ugh. Don't go there if you don't feel it.

I think you should definitely keep seeing where it goes with Cuba - it sounds like you are really liking what is happening with him.
I have to echo what nycindie said - if *you* feel curious about what might happen again with Dean, go for it, but it doesn't sound like you want it. I say this as someone who is currently in a quad of sorts and had a previous one go very badly, for many reasons including me pushing TheKnight and Pink!Girl together behind the scenes even though they were ill-suited to each other.
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