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  #11  
Old 03-02-2014, 04:55 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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And of course, it isn't as easy as simply choosing somewhere to move. I am broke and without a job. This is alright for the moment but will not be in two months when the house-sitting gigs are over. It takes money to move and get established somewhere. And the only job being offered to me now is back at the farm.
I have a friend who spends most of the summer with a backpack, hitching across the country. In the winter, he works like a dog and spends next to nothing. You might consider working somewhere like the oil patch for a couple/few months. Gets you away from relationships for a while to focus on yourself, and you can bank the crap out of your cheques because expenses are often covered (if you get in with one of the work camps).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Silas View Post
You said "Blue mine." What does that mean?
That's where she put her own words in your quote. You were speaking in the second person, but she changed it to be the first person, because these were thoughts specifically about you and and not some "universal you" that applies to everyone. It's a way of taking ownership for thought patterns that may not contribute towards reaching your goals.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #12  
Old 03-02-2014, 05:22 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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This is a little off the beaten path of this post, but what I hear in your words, Silas, is a terrible sense of responsibility that you make everything right for everyone. (And perhaps I recognize it in you because I recognize it in myself.). When we do this - making everything right for everyone - this becomes our definition of success or failure. We tie ourselves to a particular outcome for which we do not have complete control. It's a VERY anxiety-provoking state.

I am working to change my definition of success / failure. My new definition is not tied to a particular outcome, but to behavior. Have I behaved ethically, honestly, and with a good heart? My behavior is the only thing for which I have total control, so it is the only thing upon which to base the idea of success or failure.

Does that mean I still don't hope for certain outcomes? Absolutely not. But it does mean that I recognize the limits of what I can do. So yes, I still may be disappointed if outcomes don't fall like I hope, but I don't have the burden of being responsible for things I can't control. Other people are free agents and have a right to think, feel, and behave as they choose.

Additionally, it makes it far easier to treat my partner with respect and grace, to understand that he is a separate person responsible for his own feelings and behavior.
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  #13  
Old 03-04-2014, 09:02 PM
Silas Silas is offline
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bookbug,
You have reminded me of a very important truth about myself. It is something I have only begun to recognize in the past couple years. When I did, I posed it as valuing "Intentions vs. Expectations." I suffer from an overactive sense of failure, as many do, and I got tired of feeling defeated and guilty when I wasn't able to orchestrate everything as I thought it should go. And especially when I felt I had been trying my hardest! In the end, I realized that most of the factors were really and truly out of my control. Especially the behavior and feelings of others. It felt unfair to keep beating myself up.

As I have said before, this is my entire family's MO to the extreme. I live in the Midwest where people often put their own needs far below that of others and live out a sort of neurotic/passive-aggresive mind state. In the end, it becomes unclear what to own and what is others' to own. Last Thanksgiving I visited my sister and Mother and actually had to sit down and have a talk with them about trusting me when I say that I am okay and to not always be on edge wondering if they are being the perfect host and anticipating/predicting my every desire.

So, it is definitely something I am aware of. However, it is also a very long history of conditioning that I am trying to change and it is ever so easy, even after you have realized something new, to forget you know it and fall back into the very habits that you seek to change. It really is all about mindfulness and I supposed it will take some time to develop that and see all the places in my life that it manifests. Thank you for pointing it out to me anew. It is a critical thing to remember.

My favorite quote about this lesson:

"If I lose my direction, I have to look for the North Star, and I go to the north. That does not mean I expect to arrive at the North Star. I just want to go in that direction."

~Tich Naht Hanh
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  #14  
Old 03-04-2014, 11:55 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Silas:

You are most welcome.

Support boards are for support. I try to do it -- some days I do it better than others, but I appreciate you taking it in the spirit intended and the thanks.

Nope. Not a psychologist. But I do eldercare and I hang out there in mental health land a'plenty!

But you hang in there with your thing. You can do this!

GL!
Galagirl
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  #15  
Old 03-05-2014, 04:54 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Silas View Post
bookbug,
You have reminded me of a very important truth about myself. It is something I have only begun to recognize in the past couple years. When I did, I posed it as valuing "Intentions vs. Expectations." I suffer from an overactive sense of failure, as many do, and I got tired of feeling defeated and guilty when I wasn't able to orchestrate everything as I thought it should go. And especially when I felt I had been trying my hardest! In the end, I realized that most of the factors were really and truly out of my control. Especially the behavior and feelings of others. It felt unfair to keep beating myself up.

As I have said before, this is my entire family's MO to the extreme. I live in the Midwest where people often put their own needs far below that of others and live out a sort of neurotic/passive-aggresive mind state. In the end, it becomes unclear what to own and what is others' to own. Last Thanksgiving I visited my sister and Mother and actually had to sit down and have a talk with them about trusting me when I say that I am okay and to not always be on edge wondering if they are being the perfect host and anticipating/predicting my every desire.

So, it is definitely something I am aware of. However, it is also a very long history of conditioning that I am trying to change and it is ever so easy, even after you have realized something new, to forget you know it and fall back into the very habits that you seek to change. It really is all about mindfulness and I supposed it will take some time to develop that and see all the places in my life that it manifests. Thank you for pointing it out to me anew. It is a critical thing to remember.

My favorite quote about this lesson:

"If I lose my direction, I have to look for the North Star, and I go to the north. That does not mean I expect to arrive at the North Star. I just want to go in that direction."

~Tich Naht Hanh
Knowing something logically and knowing it emotionally are two different things. Just as with any skill, you have to practice. As you said be mindful of when you have fallen into old habits. I am still practicing, but am getting more proficient over time. You will too.
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