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  #11  
Old 02-25-2014, 09:37 PM
seakinganswers seakinganswers is offline
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Originally Posted by RedPanda View Post
That's a really good point. Healthy, happy, untroubled individuals are less likely to go see a counselor. Furthermore, poly people may be more likely to hide their lifestyle from counselors and seek support elsewhere. I wonder if this counselor HAS actually unknowingly helped poly people?
Two points I see here...

1. Like you said, people seeing a marriage counselor are usually struggling in their relationship and communication. In these situations alternative lifestyles like swinging and poly are a last resort attempt and usually it's one person who really wants it and the other that gives in, but in the end that's a recipe for disaster. Could it be that a relationship between someone who finds out they are non monogamous, and someone that has no desire to be non monogamous is like a partner who admits they are gay. Not exactly great for a lasting relationship. I wonder what statistics would say for marriages that started out being non monogamist in nature so the two were equally yolked to begin with

2. Could it be that societal norms can be difficult for any couple to withstand? I mean if you are born and raised for 30 years thinking this is wrong then even if you open up to it then you have a difficult battle ahead if overcoming all your trained emotions about jealousy and such.
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  #12  
Old 02-26-2014, 12:45 AM
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In no way was I meaning to imply that I was on board with what Dan Savage said in this video.
I didn't get the impression you were using his statement to represent your own views. Dan Savage seems to believe that monogamy is the only path - he merely things a marginally more flexible approach would be better.

If he didn't speak out specifically against polyamory I wouldn't have any opinion about him at all. As it is, he will continue to repress polyamory until he either stops being ignorant or shuts his mouth about it.

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Originally Posted by seakinganswers View Post
Like you said, people seeing a marriage counselor are usually struggling in their relationship and communication. In these situations alternative lifestyles like swinging and poly are a last resort attempt and usually it's one person who really wants it and the other that gives in, but in the end that's a recipe for disaster. Could it be that a relationship between someone who finds out they are non monogamous, and someone that has no desire to be non monogamous is like a partner who admits they are gay. Not exactly great for a lasting relationship.
That's a relevant addition to the broken logic of "professionals" coming to the irrational conclusion that poly relationships can't work due to some elusive fundamental flaw. While I cringe at comparing it to sexual orientation, the heart of your point still stands.

If these boards and the prolific stigma about the catastrophic impact of being non-monogamous have a story to tell, that story is that a notable percentage of people who crash and burn "because they tried poly" were couples in which there was cheating and at least one person in the pair justified it by using terms like "open" or "poly". It would also help explain the nature of these "professionals" and personalities being certain of this outcome because people coming from traditional relationships traversing into dangerous new territory would be more likely to rely on more traditionally acceptable sources of repair; monogamy juggernauts.

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Originally Posted by seakinganswers View Post
I wonder what statistics would say for marriages that started out being non monogamist in nature so the two were equally yolked to begin with
Indeed, I expect that survey would look quite a bit different.
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  #13  
Old 02-26-2014, 12:57 AM
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The way I see it, if you have a good relationship with your therapist otherwise, than just don't talk about poly right now. Work on your other issues. Good therapists are hard to come by.
Good therapists should be bronzed and put in a hall of fame somewhere. All but exactly one of my experiences with therapists have been hilariously bad. They take sides, coddle patients, promote their personal agenda, etc - just like everyone else. In the rare moment that you should find a therapist who breaks this mold, I agree, they should be held onto.

However, if I meet a therapist who displays clear bias against a fundamental aspect of my worldview I am immediately skeptical. This is an example of a therapist who is promoting their personal agenda and working within the confines of their own social fears. Someone who tells me "no, that's just wrong because it can't work" without anything to back it up... is just another nut to be ignored.

I would say, start looking for another therapist immediately and don't assume your first 20 tries will yield a positive result. Finding a therapist who is worth a shit is profoundly more difficult than people imagine... but success makes the journey worthwhile.
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  #14  
Old 02-26-2014, 12:11 PM
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RedPanda RedPanda is offline
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Originally Posted by seakinganswers View Post
Two points I see here...

1. Like you said, people seeing a marriage counselor are usually struggling in their relationship and communication. In these situations alternative lifestyles like swinging and poly are a last resort attempt and usually it's one person who really wants it and the other that gives in, but in the end that's a recipe for disaster. Could it be that a relationship between someone who finds out they are non monogamous, and someone that has no desire to be non monogamous is like a partner who admits they are gay. Not exactly great for a lasting relationship. I wonder what statistics would say for marriages that started out being non monogamist in nature so the two were equally yolked to begin with
I do believe that is an important factor. Many of the things I've read by people who were angry about poly had tried opening up at the behest of one partner but not the other. All of my present and future relationships will have started with the idea of poly first.

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2. Could it be that societal norms can be difficult for any couple to withstand? I mean if you are born and raised for 30 years thinking this is wrong then even if you open up to it then you have a difficult battle ahead if overcoming all your trained emotions about jealousy and such.
I think this is also true. I've noticed that many polyamorous people older than myself start from a monogamous mindset and sort of wrap polyamorous ideas around it. Whereas those starting out as polyamorous before marriage have embraced some different paradigms. One generation after another will develop the ideas and paradigms of polyamory.
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  #15  
Old 02-27-2014, 03:20 AM
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Thanks for all your thoughts, everyone.

I am going to stick with her for now. She challenges me and I like that. I am going through a lot right now (divorce, custody of my son, seeing my ex move on with his first wife who has always coveted my life and my child) and switching up counselors doesn't seem the way to go.

I have no relationships in my life right now and am fine with that while I focus on my son. So it's a non issue for now.

This counselor has worked with my soon to be ex and I as well and knows us both well. If there are any legal issues that she would need to be called for, I would like to still be her patient as well. What she would say about my husband would be VERY helpful in court, to say the least.
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  #16  
Old 03-03-2014, 03:44 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Woo-hoo! We've passed the 2.5 year mark...will be three years in April for my "official" anniversary with Dude. (With each year getting better and better ).

I've tried therapy twice - the first time the guy was hung up on me being bisexual (which, in my opinion, was NOT the issue) and thought that I had to "choose" (20+ years later and I'm still comfortable being Bi).

The second guy was surprised, but not negative, about my bi-poly life (this was before Dude) - which had nothing to do with why I was seeing him. If I felt the need for therapy again I would certainly go back...

If you are getting benefit from your interactions with your therapist, then by all means continue! If your issues are not poly related, and they are willing to shelve that for the time being, I don't see that there is a problem.

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Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


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  #17  
Old 03-03-2014, 09:54 AM
london london is offline
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It isn't like youve demonstrated healthy poly relationships and she is still slating poly. You've shown her another example of inconsiderate behaviour, poor decision making and warped priorities. She's probably right
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  #18  
Old 03-03-2014, 12:07 PM
polyq4 polyq4 is offline
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we have been in a successful poly quad now for over almost 6 years, and it shows no signs of it ending anytime soon. We have grown together so much the 4 of us.
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  #19  
Old 03-03-2014, 02:07 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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GalaGirl has a useful link in her blog here to a professional document - by therapists, for therapists - about what therapists and similar professionals need to know about poly. It might be useful to pass on to your therapist.

But I generally agree - if you are otherwise happy with her, and this one thing she's not good on is manageable for you, then there is no reason to move on to another therapist.
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  #20  
Old 03-03-2014, 02:31 PM
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JadeDoor JadeDoor is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
It isn't like youve demonstrated healthy poly relationships and she is still slating poly. You've shown her another example of inconsiderate behaviour, poor decision making and warped priorities. She's probably right
well yes, being physically abused by my husband wasn't in the plans. I don't think that means anything about me personally.
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Neverwhere - exH, we have a son together.
Amanda - Neverwhere's 1st wife and one of the reasons my marriage to him ended. They have three sons together.
Mark - Neverwhere's brother. We are dating. He is mono.
JBR - My boyfriend of 8 months, also poly, has kids, we live together.
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