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Old 02-18-2014, 03:38 PM
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phantazmagoria phantazmagoria is offline
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Default keeping score - trying not to

I find myself always keeping score and getting upset about it. Like .... "you had sex with her two times this week and only 1 time with me" ... that kind of stuff. It makes me angry, sad, jealous and insecure if my numbers are behind hers. Obviously, its not a good thing to do, so I'm wondering if you guys have any tips on how not to do that.

It's not supposed to be a competition, but how do you not compete?
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Old 02-18-2014, 04:00 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Sometimes it can seem like sex means everything. It's definitely an important ingredient to a healthy relationship, but it's not necessarily the most important one. Focus more on the friendship and romantic parts but keep the flirty part going...and it should all work out.

Do you have other shared activities or interests? Are there things your partner wants to do that y'all aren't doing? Is there something of your own that you can dive into? The more independently attractive you are...as in having your own cool things going on the more a) you'll have your mind on something else and b) the more you'll "re-attract" your partner. All that being said, your partner can only meet your needs if you're expressing them. Be vocal, but not needy.

So to recap...sex isn't everything...get your own stuff going on...and be interested/involved in doing things together with your partner...do make sure you voice your own needs.

just my 2 cents.
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Last edited by vanquish; 02-18-2014 at 04:03 PM.
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Old 02-18-2014, 04:17 PM
london london is offline
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Ask yourself if you're happy with your sex life. If he had no sex with anyone else, would you feel the same? Do you want more sex or more sex than her?
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Old 02-18-2014, 06:39 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Is it your needs are not being met or are you in competition with her?
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Old 02-19-2014, 02:18 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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For me, the idea of knowing too many details makes me uncomfortable (at least in the early stages). Even now, I have no interest in knowing how many times Dude has sex with Lotus when they are together...I just want to know that they both had a good time and are happy with how their relationship is proceeding. (And the reason I want to know even that much is because I am friends with/involved with her as well, as is MrS - so there are multiple levels of caring involved - I want everyone to be happy/satisfied on many fronts.)

Maybe you need to step back a bit. NOT know when/how many times they have sex. Ask him not to "overshare" - so you are not tempted to compete. Focus on your relationship with him - are you satisfied? Are you getting the attention (physical, emotional, intellectual, etc.) that YOU need? If not, then ask for what you want explicitly (for yourself - not in relation to what she is getting).

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TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
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  #6  
Old 02-19-2014, 02:18 AM
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phantazmagoria phantazmagoria is offline
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I'm not exactly sure where my jealousy/anger/competitiveness is coming from - that is something I've been soul-searching since day one. I thought my self esteem was pretty good, but feeling these feelings indicate something is going on, and I am in therapy for it. And I've come a very long way. I'm proud of my journey.

I bit more info for you .. we are a triad - all dating each other. She is my girlfriend individually, as well as his girlfriend individually, and him and I are married (15 years), and then we have a relationship with all three of us.

I love the idea of finding an activity or creative endeavor that only him and I share - besides sex and watching TV. I'm definitely going to explore that more. Thank you for that idea!!

I am very satisfied with our sex life. He has a higher drive than me (and she does too) so I have struggled with feeling like a "loser" because my drive is lower - even though rationally I can tell myself there isn't anything wrong with me. We usually have sex 2 or 3 times a week - and it's good sex - and after being together for 15 years, I'm pretty proud of that.

I feel competitiveness with her, thinking she's prettier, better lover, more adventurous than me, smarter than me ... blah blah blah. It gets really exhausting actually!

I also have thoughts that she likes him better than me, but I'm trying to put them to rest as well. Her and I try to have some sort of intimacy/sexual date night/alone time at least once a week.

I struggle with compersion - a term I just learned tonight. On a rational level, I'm super happy for them and their relationship. On a irrational (more selfish level), I feel jealous, anger, etc.

At any rate, I didn't mean to "vomit" my current situation ... But I have learned that coming to this forum tends to make me feel better. Reading like minded people's stories is somewhat comforting. I'm grateful for this outlet.

Thanks!

Last edited by phantazmagoria; 02-19-2014 at 02:21 AM.
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  #7  
Old 02-20-2014, 03:52 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I feel competitiveness with her, thinking she's prettier, better lover, more adventurous than me, smarter than me ... blah blah blah. It gets really exhausting actually!
How about giving yourself permission to be yourself, and not her? This is anxiety chatterbox from the sound of it. What are you anxious about? What do you fear?

Quote:
I also have thoughts that she likes him better than me, but I'm trying to put them to rest as well. Her and I try to have some sort of intimacy/sexual date night/alone time at least once a week.
Do you need to hear that she likes you? Could ask her. "I need to hear that you like and love me. I'm struggling with jealousy head noise right now and hearing your actual voice would help turn those down."

Are you getting enough time with her? Are you competing with HIM for her attention? But not realizing it?

Quote:
I struggle with compersion - a term I just learned tonight. On a rational level, I'm super happy for them and their relationship. On a irrational (more selfish level), I feel jealous, anger, etc.
Were you expecting "compersion" to come instantly?

You have just changed from a 2 people thing to a 3 people thing and that ups the polymath significantly. Restabalizing all those "mini relationships" inside the new larger polyship takes time.

Most of that is happening in your "thinks" -- it's ok to answer BACK to thoughts. You are not your thoughts. You are the person doing the thinking. If I wake up in the night and think I see a burglar and it turns out to be the tree outside shadow? I can update my first thought. I'm allowed.

Could ask for reassurance from your people, and if you find yourself thinking weird stuff, investigate to see what is perceived reality (that might be faulty) and what is actuality.

Don't know if these could help you articulate what your jealousy (or envy) is about:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf
http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/p.../jealousy.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/article...u-in-poly-hell

Hang in there!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-20-2014 at 03:57 PM.
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  #8  
Old 02-20-2014, 10:34 PM
MomToMLAandD MomToMLAandD is offline
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My husband does this "Oh you are aware that J got it 4 times this week, i'm only at 3"

I always reply "Did you enjoy them? Are you happy with our sex life?"

Both answers are always "Yes"

So then I tell him not to worry about what J gets as long as he is satisfied as well
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  #9  
Old 02-21-2014, 01:12 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MomToMLAandD View Post
My husband does this "Oh you are aware that J got it 4 times this week, i'm only at 3"
Well, if the week wasn't over, I'd say, "You want me right now? Let's go, big guy!"
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

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miss pixi, 37
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  #10  
Old 02-22-2014, 12:03 AM
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phantazmagoria phantazmagoria is offline
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Great advice guys! Thanks!
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