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  #11  
Old 02-21-2014, 08:07 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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If a partner didn't respect my boundaries and said not only they would hit on my friends but would make it a goal to fuck them, they would be out the door. Period. Sounds like a big piece if shit only loot to get laid
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  #12  
Old 02-21-2014, 08:34 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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OP... There are many wonderful men who would want a good woman. Do not sell yourself short.
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  #13  
Old 02-21-2014, 09:05 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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He is not the only guy that will ever want to be with you. But for another guy to enter your orbit you have to be willing to make a space.

Quote:
There's another girl he's in contact with, and even though I didn't really say much about her, he somehow figured out that him seeing her made me uncomfortable, and voluntarily told me that he'd keep her in the friend zone until I figured it out. So he made a concession there, but I can't figure out why he won't make one here. Maybe I'm asking for too much?
I can guess.

Maybe I'm cynical, maybe I guess wrong.

But maybe he tossed you one he could really care less about? Mainly so later he can point to it and hold it over your head as example of how "understanding" he's been for you before and how "unreasonable and selfish" you are being now. Using it like tool to get his way later?

You did not ask for him to make concession with the friendzone woman. He did it "voluntarily." Keep that in mind. People who do things voluntarily as a gift don't draw attention to it or come round later with "now you owe me" attitudes.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-21-2014 at 09:07 PM.
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  #14  
Old 02-21-2014, 09:17 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Don't forget. This is a poly forum. We're kind of based around the idea that there isn't a one and only for each person
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  #15  
Old 02-22-2014, 04:01 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Don't know if any of this is useful, but here it is anyway:

1.) I'll echo the others who say that it certainly sounds like he is being a disrespectful douche...if HOW he is saying things is really how you are hearing them.

2.) The "don't flirt with my friends" would be a really hard rule for me, personally, to follow...I "flirt" with EVERYONE I meet - but/and I am only likely to meet friends and friends of friends - I've never dated a stranger. "Don't hit on" (i.e. don't sleep with, don't "allow" things to develop, etc.) would be a bit easier ... but only a bit - I am of the mindset of just letting things happen and not trying to "force" outcomes one way or another. (Which, yes, had gotten me into trouble...but more joy than angst.)

3.) Nevertheless, we (my poly family) do have rules that constrain our relationships - first, and foremost, is respect for each other and all of our partners and potential partners. Secondly, we are not "out" publicly or to our families - although we are out to all of our friends. So "co-workers" and "family members" are on my "messy people" (thank you GalaGirl) list.

4.) I think that allowing things to "settle" after each new addition to the "polycule" is a good idea. Can't remember where I first read about it but it makes sense to me.

- MrS was used to the idea of me developing relationships with women, but when I got together with Dude it seemed a good idea to slow down on all other fronts until we saw how things worked out.

- Dude didn't start looking to date until we had been together for two years. (we were all new to the type of poly config we were living - 2 years is a long time...we seem to have sped up a bit)

- Dude and I had some friction when I was interested in Lotus - so I backed off to "fun friends" until things settled.

- Lotus asked for a "temporary closing" (for the three of us - not MrS or TT) until everyone felt safe and comfortable.

- Six months in and now MrS and Lotus are slowly/gently exploring their attraction.

A few things to consider - a person can be attracted to someone else without acting on it, and sometimes flirting is just flirting; NRE is a time of heightened awareness and tension - which makes it fun for some - but feelings can easily get overwhelming and competition may be triggered more easily; there actually doesn't have to be any RUSH to figure things out - I can let Dude and Lotus enjoy their NRE, if things work out with them, or if they don't, Lotus and I can explore OUR connection at a time when it isn't threatening to other people we care about.

As an aside - in the OP it seems as though you are offended, on behalf of H, that M has been flirting with J - then you turn to talking about M hitting on your friends. Just curious if H, himself, is as offended about M hitting on J? Also, do you consider J your "friend" and therefore off-limits to M? Or is your H allowed to date your friends while M is not?

You can ASK for any boundaries/rules that you would like...which doesn't mean that people will agree to them. (If they DO agree, however, I would hold them to that!). You then get to decide if you are willing to be with someone who won't agree to the rules/boundaries that you need (whether a few stranger on a poly forum think that they are reasonable or NOT). Staying with someone is a choice.
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MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (5+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic girlfriend and BFF
Lotus: "it's complicated"
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #16  
Old 02-22-2014, 04:56 AM
OnTheCusp OnTheCusp is offline
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You ask good questions about whether H is allowed to date friends, but M isn't, and if H himself is offended by M's hitting on J.

J and I had a single conversation about 4 years ago. She was the wife of a friend of H's. We seemed to get on well, and I really liked her, but then she disappeared until recently. When H and I saw J and her husband at a club we frequent, we rekindled the friendship. But it was only when she and H decided that they might enjoy seeing each other that she and I made an effort to connect more. I really like her. So, she became a friend to me when she and H started circling each other. I'm not sure if I'd feel weird or not if H wanted to get involved with one of my friends. I really only have a very few people I consider good friends (ironically, my best friend, and M2!) So maybe I shouldn't worry about him hitting on my friends, because I don't have any more to introduce him to!

As to whether H is offended, he is, a bit. Because they hadn't really done any serious dating yet, he's still not completely invested in the relationship. But he did think it was kind of a dick maneuver.

M and I had a Come To Jesus talk tonight, and I think that the main outcome of that, at least for me, is that I need to grow a backbone and stand up for myself a bit better. It seemed to impress him, actually, when I said some of the things I did.

Ugh--whatever. I very much want to give this relationship another chance, foolish as that might be.
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  #17  
Old 02-22-2014, 01:34 PM
OnTheCusp OnTheCusp is offline
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GalaGirl, your post got me thinking, and I believe you're completely right about why he friendzoned the other girl: she's long distance. She's in another state, and they have only talked to and been with each other in person a few times. Otherwise, it's over the internet. J, on the other hand, is right here.

I told him last night that it made me sad that he was hitting on someone who H was trying to get to know, and he backpedaled a bit and said that wasn't his intention. Whatever.

So I guess now my next move is to figure out what my next move is!
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M: Boyfriend of about 1 year.
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  #18  
Old 02-22-2014, 04:15 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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So what WAS his intention exactly? Move through the world self-absorbed and unthinking of other people? That's "cookie jar sorry" to me. Not at all sorry he was stealing the cookies. Just sorry he got caught with his hand in the jar. Cuz everyone else is supposed to pretend they don't see him.

Quote:
So I guess now my next move is to figure out what my next move is!
Yup. Having a backbone about your boundaries and not putting up with shenanigans is a good start.

Whether he straightens up and flies right and is worth more of your time -- that's up to you to determine.

But it isn't a horrible thing to be totally ok walking away if he continues to play wonky. You deserve to be treated well.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-22-2014 at 04:18 PM.
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  #19  
Old 02-22-2014, 04:16 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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I don't really get it? As in, I understand what you are saying but I don't know why you or anyone else would be disrespected.

It is unrealistic for you to expect to control the who's and how in people he sees. Him being interested in your husbands gf is almost ironic. You're non-monogamous. So what, both hubby and bf can date her. Its up to her to decide if she is interested either way. Not you and not hubby.

Unless your friends are monogamous and he isn't respecting those boundaries. Thats very different than you simply trying to control his dating pool.

Now.. maybe him fostering a relationship without keeping you up to date is rude. But I don't know your rules or boundaries. We generally try to keep ourselves updated if there is "something" there. That way there is no bomb.

But we, and our friends interdate.. in fact more poly communities (as in large groups of poly and poly friendly people, NOT a cult like setup) have a lot of intermixing. Hard to avoid when you are all supposed to be open.

Quote:
There are like what: a bajillion people in the world?
That are poly in your area? Really?.. I live in an extremely poly friendly province/city and it still isn't common enough to start eliminating possible relationships due to friendships of my partners.

Ok I liken this to monogamous people who try to limit who I can flirt with. The whole ex-gf, sisters etc set of lameass rules. I disliked and over time learned to hate these rules. These were girls I spent time with, got to know and fostered friendships, flirting then fucking.. limiting based on some unknown bond that is supposed to exclude me.. well I ended up walking away from those friendships..

Quote:
-he didn't exactly say he'd fuck one of my friends just because he can. He said that sooner or later, he would end up fucking one of my friends. He also stated that he could get my BF, if he really wanted to, but doesn't go after people just to prove a point. Big of him.
So that is disrespectful. Not to you but to the people he is treating as objects. That reads like he is a bit of a dick.

Quote:
And yet, because I am weak, I don't want to drop him. I kind of just want to never introduce him to anybody ever again.
Sounds like you need to build up your confidence. You aren't weak. Maybe you see a lack of balance between what he is getting and you are getting. I am not sure. Maybe you are happier in a close poly "thing" and he won't be. That's a big difference in relationship styles.

Can either of you move towards the middle to meet, and if not, what is that consequence?
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  #20  
Old 02-22-2014, 05:44 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Yes it us disrespectful for your boyfriend to snipe your husbands potential girlfriend behind his back.

Telling me you are going to fuck one of my friends just because you can? He would have been dumped asap.
This. Every person on the planet has a right to personal boundaries. If you prefer that boundary, people who are going to be in a relationship with you need to respect it.
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