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  #1  
Old 02-19-2014, 06:32 PM
aaa aaa is offline
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Default fantasizing about #2 when with #1?

My husband and I are new to polyamory. I have a question for those more experienced on here. My husband told me last night that he sometimes fantasizes about his secondary when he is having sex with me. Is this normal? I have never done that. I felt terrible about it. Thoughts? Perspective?
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Old 02-19-2014, 06:38 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Why on earth would he tell you that? Seems like words guaranteed to hurt your feelings, and set you up as if you are in competition with his secondary.
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Old 02-19-2014, 06:41 PM
aaa aaa is offline
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Well, I asked. Shame on me, I know. But anyway, it's out there. I want to know if this is typical.
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Old 02-19-2014, 07:14 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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It's normal
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  #5  
Old 02-19-2014, 07:28 PM
westVan westVan is offline
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Default I sometimes do

I dont recall ever fantasizing about my BF when with my husband or the other way around...but I will admit to fantasizing about someone else other than who I'm with.
I think its kind of normal to do it. but I think your husband should have told you in a gentler manner, because your hurt by it.
I have to ask would it hurt less if it was a movie star or sports personality he was fantasizing about and not the gf?
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Old 02-19-2014, 08:04 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aaa View Post
Well, I asked. Shame on me, I know. But anyway, it's out there. I want to know if this is typical.
Did you ask if he was fantasizing or did he tell you he was and then was that when you asked?

This is just one area that is off limits in discussions with bassman. He wants to tell me about how it felt for him when he's with wild orchid because in the past we'd share the intimate details of sex with others but for me, now, that love is involved, I prefer not to hear about it. Kinda twisted I know. I don't feel less than or in competition with my metamour but there just is a difference with emotions are involved for me than just pure lust. I can deal with lust because bassman's lust for me is already a bit overwhelming but at the same time, I get turned on hear about lust filled sex.

Last edited by alibabe_muse; 02-19-2014 at 08:07 PM.
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Old 02-19-2014, 09:04 PM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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I think it's perfectly normal. WI and I have laughed about us both fantasizing about AM when we're together. Not as competition but as complementary emotions. It doesn't change the special moment we're in.

Plus, sometimes you need that head space to get you over the edge. A good fantasy can do wonders...
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Old 02-20-2014, 03:16 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Yes. BTDT.

Sex share is "feel good" time. And it's normal for the mind to wander around in blissful state to other "feel goods" -- memories or experiences. Basically stoned on the happy!

Could consider it a compliment that sex share with you is so awesome that he floats off in his brain to his inner happy place within where all his happies are stored and he wants to roll around in those dandelions. Could consider it a compliment he feels safe sharing his inner thoughts with you openly and honestly -- he's sharing not just physical intimacy with you but emotional intimacy.

When you ask and get an answer, are YOU thinking you are "less than" and that's causing you the upset?

Not everyone likes hearing about those things. It's ok to not want to hear details. Just don't be asking then. Now you learned something new about your preferences. Lots of things are going to be new for you guys when you are new to polyamory. Could be gentle with selves and each other. It takes time to figure new stuff out.

GL!

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-20-2014 at 03:24 AM.
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Old 02-20-2014, 03:32 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Very normal in my book!
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  #10  
Old 02-20-2014, 03:41 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I find it interesting how many people do this!

I don't really fantasize that often, and I can't say that I have ever done it during sex - other than the spoken aloud, description of past experiences that hubby likes sometimes while we're having sex.

To me, I think it would feel like I wasn't interesting, pleasurable, or something enough for my partner if a fantasy was NEEDED. If it adds to the experience, I prefer we share it together, and if it isn't something I would enjoy (like hearing about sex with another partner, which I am like ali on and am fine when it's just sex but not interested when there's love involved) then I would prefer to find a way to meet that need where we can be doing it TOGETHER and not separately in our own heads.

Sex with those I care about it rather sacred to me. If a casual fuck wants to think about something that has nothing to do with me, that's great. If someone I truly care for and feel like I am expressing that care through the physical act of sex is thinking about something that has nothing to do with me, then it is taking something I think of a method of re-affirming connection and making into something that means significantly less.
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