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Old 02-20-2014, 11:33 AM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I'm sorry you struggle.

Sounds like you guys forgot to talk about how you agree to do conflict resolution before the move. It happens. Could address it now.

You want him to see that you are unhappy? Anything else?

You expect her to solve (you + bf) problems for you? Or put the hinge person in the middle or play referee? He may not be eager to do this.

Have you expressed that to him?

I do not know what that means to you. Are you saying you expect her to manage your BF's time management? Rather than he manages his time? Are you saying she bursts in the room when you guys are trying to spend time alone?

Why? Y'all don't go out to air out?

Are you able to see that you are putting him in the middle when you do this? It is not kind to do to a hinge person. Listening to you complain about his other GF makes him feel how? It might help YOU feel better for the vent, but it doesn't help him to feel good. Can you express yourself directly to her or on this board or to a RL friend instead? You kvetch OUT not in.

What about your communication style helps? What about your communication style doesn't help? You do not give an example conversation.

Are you as upset with the BF for not wanting to spend time with you alone as you are the friend for "being around?" It's her home and she's just moved to a new place. Where's she supposed to go if she's not as familiar with the area/built a local community yet?

What "attitudes" are they doing that you find objectionable? You do not elaborate.

Do you offer to give THEM alone time?

If this is a "V" thing rather than a triad -- seems constructive to me to move on to creating a sleeping schedule. 3 people in a 2 bedroom flat. Limit of the space you share.

It's not unkind to have her take the 2nd bedroom or YOU take that room. He is the hinge, so he has to move to and fro. You two could flip for which bedroom you get first for the rest of this lease and agree to switch it if you renew the lease here rather than move to a 3 bedroom flat together.

Then he visits her for sex share in her bedroom. And he visits you over here for sex share in your bedroom. He has to put up with storing his clothes and things in whatever space, but that's the price of admission when you all live in a flat without 3 bedrooms and he's the hinge. One of you has to share the closet with his clothes. He can't leave it in a sloppy pile in the living room -- unless you buy a stand alone wardrobe to put it in neatly and then he can have his clothes there without mess.

If you want to spend time with BF alone for alone time shared, could ask him out on a date and GO OUT alone together. If he says no, you have to manage your disappointment without blaming the other GF. It is the BF not giving you a moment of his time, not her.

Sounds like something you could try then -- a talk in trio. Older thread, but perhaps reading it helps you figure out some "how" for your situation.

I hope you feel better soon. I'm sorry getting used to the "new normal" is particularly rough right now.

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