Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #31  
Old 02-16-2014, 08:10 PM
alibabe_muse's Avatar
alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North Idaho
Posts: 346
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by bofish View Post
I totally agree with all of you. And I do plan to stop. It's my issue. I have been conditioned to put others before myself. And my husband really is not the best go between. I think my husband might be pushing us in a triad, which we don't want....there might be the difficulty. If I say, well, can you clean up and leave us dinner before you spend the night there...he hems and haws and says "She feels like a booty call" or "she wants more time."

What I'm hearing from you guys is that it's a problem in my marriage. It's also a problem with me getting up in her business, right? I guess you're saying she's blameless and if he tells me, she wants me over earlier, I need to say, that's not my problem and I don't want to hear it.
Sometimes the hinge, bassman, isn't great at being a go between. Our V is different than yours since wild orchid is married. But still I'll make a request on pda in family settings and it gets lost in translation when he discusses with her. wild orchid and I have agreed that after I discuss with bassman than she's okay I discuss with her directly (and bassman is aware of this agreement since in the end...the open long term, our families will be interacting with each other).

The husband's fantasy...if neither you or your metamour want or are even comfortable with a threesome, than he should respect that on both your ends.

With the scheduling and last minute wants of your metamour, that is on your husband to negotiate with you and with her. If he can't do his job of being a respectful hinge to both you ladies, maybe he needs some classes on communicating?
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 02-16-2014, 08:20 PM
bofish bofish is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 221
Default

Thank you guys all so much for the great input. My husband does have trouble communicating.

In my ideal world, I would have picked someone for him who had had at least one long term relationship and who was better at communication and had at least some experience with a long-term partner or living with someone. I don't believe in "vote" though because I feel (just in our case) it interferes with autonmy. I've learned a hell of a lot though!
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 02-16-2014, 08:24 PM
ployshyguy ployshyguy is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 11
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by bofish View Post
What I'm hearing from you guys is that it's a problem in my marriage. It's also a problem with me getting up in her business, right? I guess you're saying she's blameless and if he tells me, she wants me over earlier, I need to say, that's not my problem and I don't want to hear it.
I've been in your husband's position recently, and I think it definitely IS his responsibility to make it work at home. If my date had asked me to leave an hour earlier, I would have had to discuss it with my wife, and had to either thank her for being flexible, or decide which fallout I wanted to deal with. However, I will say that I don't appreciate anyone changing my plans around without notice, so I probably wouldn't last in a relationship where "she wants me to be over an hour earlier". It would have to be really rare.

I also would really not want to be in a relationship with someone who didn't consider my feelings and, by extension, those of my family. In my (admittedly limited) poly experience, people have generally wanted to get to know my spouse, asked questions about her, and even friended her on facebook. It just seems like a good idea to have at least a passing familiarity with someone with whose life you are going to be intersecting on a regular basis.

I'm more of a poly-fidelity kind of person, so YMMV.
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 02-17-2014, 04:17 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

I don't see what purpose it serves focusing on the nice things she could do. The point is, she doesn't.

They're your kids. You're raising them, it's your responsibility to watch them. Why should someone else thank you for taking care of your own kids? If anyone should be thanking you, it's the other person whose responsibility it is to watch them.

Any problems you're having are 100% between you and your husband. Don't bring his girlfriend into your marriage problems, it's not her marriage, they're not her problems. She didn't cause them, it's not her place to fix them.

Would it be "nice" if she sent you appreciative e-mails etc? Sure. But how does wallowing in self-pity benefit your life? How does focusing on her lack of courtesy make your marriage happier? How does it help you cope with your day-to-day responsibilities? What purpose does it serve, besides providing you with a sense of moral superiority?

The problem with "nice people" is that they never do anything for purely selfless reasons. They do them because it's "the right thing to do." They do them because they'd want other people to do it for them. They do it because they enjoy the gratitude they usually receive. And when they don't receive that gratitude, they feel ripped off. The fact that you're making time for your husband to enjoy happiness and lead a more fulfilling life is supposed to be the reason you do it.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 02-17-2014 at 04:32 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 02-17-2014, 04:35 PM
bofish bofish is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 221
Default

Thank you SC... I totally agree.

I think I figured it out. There is a lot of pressure on the forum to treat "secondardies: equal. I think I was coming from that perspective. i feel that my model of poly wanted to function more like a triad -where we all had flowing communication. I found myself often thinking about her needs and trying to help her feel welcome and equal (terrible wife, right?) But I became resentful because I felt these considerations were only going one way.

Not, I realize that I don't have to do this at all! As Polyinpractice said, I have to get emotionally uninvolved. And treat my husbands relationship with her like any of his other friends (I don't consider whether they need help or their schedules). The irony is that now people might say "O you wives treating secondaries bad!" but that's not the case at lal. The case is my relationships have to be based on mutual consideration, not one way.
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 02-17-2014, 07:17 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,054
Default

It is not your job to make sure she is happy.

YOUR HUSBAND has the responsibility to do the right thing. In my opinion he is not.

Butch doesn't owe Murf a damn thing honestly. Murf doesn't owe Butch anything either. It is my responsibility to do the right thing. It is neither mans duty to make sure the other is feeling secure in their relationship.

If your husband will not do the right thing buy you and your family. Even though you are his wife you may actually be HIS secondary. And this is his issue and has nothing to do with his gf. Your husband is a grown up and can put down his foot with her.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 02-17-2014, 07:42 PM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

Different strokes for different folks. You'll never please everyone. But so what? We're just strangers on the internet, offering differing opinions. It's definitely not your responsibility to please us, too

Some people subscribe to hierarchical polyamory with primaries and secondaries. Some people don't. Both forms are perfectly acceptable, provided everyone involved agrees to the terms. Of course, anyone who doesn't agree to the terms is free to walk away.

I think the important thing is to realize that "not treating secondaries as equal" is different from "not treating secondaries as people." Everyone deserves a basic amount of respect and consideration. That doesn't mean going out of your way to make someone's life easier, especially if that effort is one-sided.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old 02-18-2014, 12:13 AM
Woodie54 Woodie54 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 15
Default Single and still poly

Single and still poly,I do not think that two men and a woman fall in love at the same time and start a poly relationship,I do think that most relationship started with a couple and then they see the need for a third,people marry ,then devorce then remarry,I do think that most poly couples had a very strong relationship and then for some other reason they see the the need for a third,some single people cannot be responsible enough to be in a relationship as a couple,Some men marry and then they tell the wife they cannot function as the man in the house so they need help,Sone single men go through life without ever getting married,they just cannot handle it,Some men marry and have a family with kids and then it fall apart,and the husband or wife go separate ways,but prefer not to get marry again,Some people marry and then found their true love,People have all different reasons,love is blind!Doyou think they are all cheaters?
Reply With Quote
  #39  
Old 02-18-2014, 12:43 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,378
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by bofish View Post
I do thing being single is inherently poly, because most people date lots of people until they "settle down." But I, personally, would;t date a married poly guy if I wanted a primary partner, it seems too painful.
Why not? The point of polyamory is that you have more than one partner (at some point, at least). Nothing says the first one has to be primary (of course, you can absolutely have more than one primary, so being married doesn't mean you can't be someone else's primary as well).

If you reject people because you feel you're not meeting them in the "right" order, you're gonna be in trouble. Why would you refrain from dating someone who is compatible because you want something they can't offer, when you can and plan on dating other people anyways?
Reply With Quote
  #40  
Old 02-18-2014, 01:49 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: East Coast, U.S.
Posts: 352
Default

Bofish, you seem to be regarding your husband's girlfriend with suspicion. You seem very critical of her motives ("why would she choose to date a married man when she wants a husband of her own"), etc.

Why don't you apply this same criticism to your husband? If he wants a girlfriend but NOT a second wife, why would he choose to date a woman who is looking for a husband?
__________________
Single, straight, female, solo, non-monogamous.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:04 AM.