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  #21  
Old 02-16-2014, 05:09 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
You want housework/child care exchange with your h's gf too? She has no obligation to watch your kid or your pets or anything else. Some partners do share household care. My current bf happens to enjoy helping me and miss pixi around the house, lifting heavy things like a man. But I've had plenty of previous lovers who had no interest in that at all. I don't think you can put that expectation on your h's gf. Maybe you'll find a bf or gf who will help you with childcare and household maintenance someday. That could be on YOUR wish list, but it's not something your h's gf is required to do for YOU! I sure don't expect my bf Ginger's current wife, or 2 others to do anything around MY house! lol
Bofish,

I don't think you're a "bad" wife, but I agree with Magdlyn, the things you're asking are unrealistic. Speaking for myself, if I had secondary status with my boyfriend, and his wife asked me to do things for HER? Now, I happen to do those things, bring her soup, help with household chores, take care of the kids. But when I watch the kids, it's because I consider them my family as well, and I want that opportunity to develop a relationship with them. I have a primary style relationship with my partner (and thus I do have a relationship with the wife). I am a part of their household, though I will never live there. He takes both our schedules into consideration. He does everything he can to ensure I have what I need.

Are you willing to do for your husband's gf what she and he are willing to do for me?
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  #22  
Old 02-16-2014, 05:15 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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I'm not sure I was clear, I'm not expecting her to do those things. I was saying that at least an acknowledgement that I do them -- for both of them- - would be empathetic. Polyin practice - I think there's a huge difference between asking someone to babysit and wishing someone who send you an email saying 'Hey thanks for leaving with the kid for 2 days so we can have the house...let me buy you a drink?"

I sound like a whinny victim! Yea - I would totally be willing to eli her and have many times (listed below). This isn't really about her. It's about ME learning not to think too much about what is right for others and ask for what I need.

I'm in a weird position. Since, I tend to be an overly conscious person, I often out her feeling into the mix - I take my son out of town (in part) so they can spend more time together. I offered to delay a trip so he could help her move. I tell him to go visit her when she's sick. But what I'm not experiencing is reciprocal or doesn't feel that way. So, I've just decided to forget about all that and just put myself first, which I think is healthy and reasonable.

I think separate is fine. But that means that th3e person involved with both of us is the one who needs to consider our needs. I shouldn't even be aware of what her needs are - let alone try to meet them, right?

Last edited by bofish; 02-16-2014 at 05:19 PM.
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  #23  
Old 02-16-2014, 05:24 PM
london london is offline
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It's your husband who needs to ensure his parenting, marriage and household responsibilities are maintained before he starts meeting other obligations. He has nurtured this level of expectation with her. This is his fault.

What I would do now, if I were him is work extra hard at home so one sleepover a week isn't unreasonable. Also be flexible with the day as you suggested.
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  #24  
Old 02-16-2014, 05:31 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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I'm just going in circles because i'm bored and it's cold!

The primary issue was that he was gone every week for 24 hours. Every week I felt angry and resentful. It was hard for me, but I made the boundary that I wanted him to spend the nights there that would fit into our work schedule.

This took a lot of bravery for me, and I'm proud of it. In the posts here there is often a lot a pressure to be sensitive to the secondary. I understand that this might be because "primaries" are considered having more power or say... I understand that... but an "fair" relationship between 3 people to me would be three people considering the needs of, well, three people. I am just not seeing that. For example, the few times she has asked us to go out, she's done it with very short notice and through my husband with no regard for my plans...like a dumb ass, I went because my husband put pressure on me, but that's totally against my boundaries. It's very important to me that people honor my schedule.

I don't think what I'm doing is anything but healthy.
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  #25  
Old 02-16-2014, 05:38 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by bofish View Post
but an "fair" relationship between 3 people to me would be three people considering the needs of, well, three people. .
But you're not in a triad. Your h has a gf. She is not your lover, or even your close friend, just a metamour. If you feel like you're acting like a doormat to make it easier for your h and her to get together, STOP. Never mind you think she's a fancy free single. Your h isn't. He is a husband and a dad. You can have expectations of him to do XYZ around the house before he goes to play with his friend.

Also, you could hire household help or a babysitter. You say your son is too old for a sitter but too young to be left alone? Hogwash. If he's too old to be left alone, he needs a sitter.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #26  
Old 02-16-2014, 05:41 PM
london london is offline
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But supposing, due to her being childfree and outgoing, she routinely makes her own plans at short notice? She can't invite you to something in June if she doesn't know she's going. If she invites you both at short notice, decline. He should only accept if it tallies with his scheduled time with her. She will adapt to maximize her time with him. But he has to handle his shit.
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  #27  
Old 02-16-2014, 05:55 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
But supposing, due to her being childfree and outgoing, she routinely makes her own plans at short notice? She can't invite you to something in June if she doesn't know she's going. If she invites you both at short notice, decline. He should only accept if it tallies with his scheduled time with her. She will adapt to maximize her time with him. But he has to handle his shit.
I normally give short notice; I have to, due to my schedules. If I do not have a close friendship with my metamour, I don't take her or his schedule into consideration at all, nor do I feel that makes me a bad person. I expect my partner to be taking her schedule into consideration. If he doesn't, that's on him and her to work on their relationship.
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  #28  
Old 02-16-2014, 06:01 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Originally Posted by bofish View Post
I'm not sure I was clear, I'm not expecting her to do those things. I was saying that at least an acknowledgement that I do them -- for both of them- - would be empathetic. Polyin practice - I think there's a huge difference between asking someone to babysit and wishing someone who send you an email saying 'Hey thanks for leaving with the kid for 2 days so we can have the house...let me buy you a drink?"

I sound like a whinny victim! Yea - I would totally be willing to eli her and have many times (listed below). This isn't really about her. It's about ME learning not to think too much about what is right for others and ask for what I need.

I'm in a weird position. Since, I tend to be an overly conscious person, I often out her feeling into the mix - I take my son out of town (in part) so they can spend more time together. I offered to delay a trip so he could help her move. I tell him to go visit her when she's sick. But what I'm not experiencing is reciprocal or doesn't feel that way. So, I've just decided to forget about all that and just put myself first, which I think is healthy and reasonable.

I think separate is fine. But that means that th3e person involved with both of us is the one who needs to consider our needs. I shouldn't even be aware of what her needs are - let alone try to meet them, right?
An acknowledgement would be empathetic, but not necessary. I like what you said about it being about YOU not thinking too much about her; you really don't have to. He does, as the "person who is involved with all three of you."

Trust me, I get it. I would make time and effort for my metamour, with no reciprocation. I got mad. But my partner reminded me that, hey, if she isn't nice or considerate to you, that's her right (he didn't like it, either, but he took care of it on his end). He encouraged me to get less emotionally involved with her; it was hard, but I'm getting better at it. I really hope you're able to do the same for yourself!
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  #29  
Old 02-16-2014, 06:05 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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I totally agree with all of you. And I do plan to stop. It's my issue. I have been conditioned to put others before myself. And my husband really is not the best go between. I think my husband might be pushing us in a triad, which we don't want....there might be the difficulty. If I say, well, can you clean up and leave us dinner before you spend the night there...he hems and haws and says "She feels like a booty call" or "she wants more time."

What I'm hearing from you guys is that it's a problem in my marriage. It's also a problem with me getting up in her business, right? I guess you're saying she's blameless and if he tells me, she wants me over earlier, I need to say, that's not my problem and I don't want to hear it.
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  #30  
Old 02-16-2014, 06:26 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Originally Posted by bofish View Post
I totally agree with all of you. And I do plan to stop. It's my issue. I have been conditioned to put others before myself. And my husband really is not the best go between. I think my husband might be pushing us in a triad, which we don't want....there might be the difficulty. If I say, well, can you clean up and leave us dinner before you spend the night there...he hems and haws and says "She feels like a booty call" or "she wants more time."

What I'm hearing from you guys is that it's a problem in my marriage. It's also a problem with me getting up in her business, right? I guess you're saying she's blameless and if he tells me, she wants me over earlier, I need to say, that's not my problem and I don't want to hear it.
If I'm her, and I want more time, I would talk with him about it and expect him to take care of talking to you himself. Blameless? I don't know, but it's irrelevant here.

I'm sure I said something recently, but this is why I won't get into any other relationships with a partner whose significant other won't meet or talk with me. It gets absurdly complicated for me to go through my partner as a middle man. I don't need her to want to be my BFF or even get in bed with me. But I do need minimal respect and communication.
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