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  #11  
Old 02-15-2014, 08:10 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I don't have a car for anyone to walk me to, but I usually say goodbye on a corner and not in front of my apartment building. Sometimes it's not even the corner of the street I live on, but a few blocks away. Or I will stop in front of a doorman building and say goodbye there, and go inside and tell the doorman, "Just let me talk to you for a minute until my date leaves." I have two 24-hour doorman buildings on my block and a 24-hour parking garage that I can always go to if it feels unsafe to walk to where I live.

I've had the experience of a guy saying, "Let me walk you to your door," but I don't recall too many times when anyone pressed the issue after telling them it wasn't necessary. Sometimes I say I need to stop at a store before going home. Since I live in NYC, there is usually someplace nearby I can go to even when it's late (there is a 24-hour drugstore in my nabe, and most of the delis are open 24 hours, too). One guy did get insistent in a charming sort of way, when I was feeling sort of lonely and desperate, and so I relented - and regretted it. I wasn't assaulted - I did want to make out with him, but the experience turned into an unpleasant and aggressive groping in my apartment building entrance hall, and he kept asking me to let him come upstairs to my apartment. I told him to go, and felt like shit afterwards.

If I am meeting someone in an area not near where I live, they usually just walk me to a subway station entrance or bus stop. None of that ever really stops us from kissing if we want to (I have no problem with PDAs).

There have been a few times I brought someone home after a first date, if we've spent a long time together, but that is just what I'm used to from my younger dating days. I haven't done that in a very long while - seemed to happen mostly if I'm a little tipsy. I try not to have more than two cocktails on a first date from the internet. If someone I know fixes me up with somebody, I tend to let my guard down a bit.

If I am conversing with anyone from OKCupid, I tell them that I want to get a feel for who they are first before meeting, and I do want a phone call beforehand. I don't often ask for someone's full contact information before meeting, simply because I don't really have anyone to tell it to and ask to watch out for me. So, since I really am on my own out there, I started being more cautious than I used to be.

During one date I was on, the guy said, "I know most women have a friend secretly sitting at the bar nearby watching out for them on a first date with someone they don't know, and I totally understand." I was like, "Really?" That never would've occurred to me.
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-15-2014 at 08:12 PM.
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  #12  
Old 02-15-2014, 09:13 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Just to reiterate-I don't think you are wrong for being cautious. Not at all.

I was just giving you an alternate perspective for consideration.

Where we live, it would be VERY VERY easy to figure out where we live, because it's a reasonably small community and we are well known. It wouldn't make sense for me to try to keep that a secret, because anyone who wants to know could EASILY figure it out just by knowing my full name.

But-it works as a benefit too-we are a small community and everyone knows me. So it's easy to not date people who aren't also known to someone I know and trust AND everyone would know if I didn't show up on time, even 5 minutes, that something was wrong and where to look.

We are more cautious here regarding weather safety. Because it's a much higher risk.
But I totally get the caution concept.
We let people know before we drive to town and before we head home and when we arrive at our destinations. Every day.
Because if your car breaks down and you spend an hour out there-you could be looking at hypothermia.


Be cautious by all means.

People laugh when I tell them I pack winter sleeping bags and snow gear for summer drives. But HERE-you can get hit with a sudden snow storm any month of the year. It's a realistic risk and so I take precautions.
Clearly-your circumstances have a different realistic risk and you should take precautions.
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Old 02-16-2014, 11:44 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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1.) You take whatever precautions you feel necessary. People either accept it or get crossed off the list. I, too, work in a field where not letting people know where you live is wise (although anyone can figure out which car I drive...which I can't control) - which is why we don't have a home phone and many things are in my husband's name (which is not the same as mine)

2.) Not dating related but...

Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
... I remember one particular sketchy seeming person who bought something from me on kijiji (like craigslist), and I was bringing the item to their place (for an extra $5). I texted my husband when I pulled up and sent him the address, so at least the cops would know where to start the search. :P...
Similarly...I was picking up a Penny-saver purchase (the snail-mail version of CraigsList) at someone's house in the middle of nowhere - I left my husband a note with the address, phone number, name, and what time I left the house...I also took my dog (who was not an attack dog but of a breed that looks the role) and my gun (which I have concealed-carry permit for). The purchase took place in the guy's driveway (I wouldn't have agreed to enter his house) without any issues...but why take chances?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
...We are more cautious here regarding weather safety. Because it's a much higher risk.
But I totally get the caution concept.
We let people know before we drive to town and before we head home and when we arrive at our destinations. Every day.
Because if your car breaks down and you spend an hour out there-you could be looking at hypothermia.


Be cautious by all means.

People laugh when I tell them I pack winter sleeping bags and snow gear for summer drives. But HERE-you can get hit with a sudden snow storm any month of the year. It's a realistic risk and so I take precautions.
...
Right with you there. I text the boys when I am leaving the office and, when the weather is bad, if I am taking an alternate route home so that, if I am not home within a reasonable time-frame, they can track-back my route and find me.

(I also have some kind of herding instinct...I am much more comfortable if I know where are the members of my "pack" are, so that if they run into trouble I know how to get to them...Dude has some issues with this - as interfering with his freedom - so I don't push it. MrS understands that I don't care where he is (or who he is with), so long as I know that he is safe.)
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  #14  
Old 02-16-2014, 04:11 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
We are more cautious here regarding weather safety. Because it's a much higher risk.
Good point. I was hanging out with some farmers one Christmas, and we got talking about bad weather. I learned that none of them lock their doors when they go out in the winter, because if someone ever gets stuck in bad weather, they want to provide a safe, warm place to stay. Plus they know that if they lock the door and someone is freezing, they'll probably just break in anyway, so why not save the window?

They also leave the keys in their trucks during seeding season, because chances are someone else will be picking it up later. It's a different world.
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  #15  
Old 02-16-2014, 07:19 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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We don't lock our doors and our cabins out in the woods-which are locked to keep animals out-are locked with combo locks and the combos are written on the windows-so people stuck out there, can get in.

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  #16  
Old 02-20-2014, 09:56 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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I remember the first time I had a one-on-one date with Moonlight at her house, which occurred about a week or two after she had hosted both Fly and I for a threesome night. We'd known her for maybe a month at that point, and had all had sex together at least three times.

She and I had partaken of some herb, which I don't do very often, and I got a little chemically tipsy. At one point, while Moonlight and I were having the most amazing sex of my life, I thought foggily, "Well, at least if she chains me up in her basement, Fly knows where she lives!" Um, paranoid much?

I also remember that when I had my first date with Fly, a few days later he mentioned that he'd seen my car outside my workplace, and had contemplated dropping in to say hi. He'd seen my car on our date, I'd told him the name of the company at some point while chatting, and the street was a regular route for the delivery truck he drove at the time. Yet, even though it was all easily explained, it still felt stalkerish, and it took me longer to let down my guard after that than it might have otherwise. Obviously, it wasn't a problem, but I don't regret listening to my gut and being self-protective.

At the bottom of it, I think a small amount of paranoia is healthy, and if someone is huffy about any precautions I take to make myself feel safer, then they're not really someone I'm particularly interested in dating. If it gets to the point where someone is scared of everyone, and sees monsters behind everyone's eyes, that's sad and disturbed. But holding people at arms' length until you're sure of them is, in my opinion, just smart.
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  #17  
Old 03-29-2014, 04:22 PM
willowstar willowstar is offline
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My guys are both the type to offer, probably more than once, to walk a lady to their car, especially if it was at night. But they would both back off if the woman insisted like the OP did, and reassured that it was not necessary. Hubby is just a gentleman, and BF is too but also a former firefighter and paramedic. His motto is always Personal Safety First.

BF is likely to ask for a text to be sure you made it home okay. He and I do this every day when we have been out and about, and especially if we had a big driving day. He does it with our other friends also. We all kind of roll our eyes and say "who is texting him to let him know we are here safe?", but I like that he likes to know.

I can understand how he might take it a bit personally that you didnt trust him to keep you safe. But you dont really know him, and he should just err on the side of respecting your wishes.
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