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Old 02-14-2014, 10:22 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Default Dating Safety

I had a super nice meet n' greet OKC date last. It went so well, made plans for the next date etc.
We were walking back to my car, got to the corner of the car park, and I said "Here is fine, thanks" He said, "I will walk you the whole way." I said "No, that's fine you have a dinner to go to, here is good." He said I will take you to your car, I said I would rather people not know what car I drive, it is for personal safety He said, "Why?" I explained a little about the nature of my work and protecting your address and car. Colleagues have been followed, threatened, cars smashed up etc and I carry that over into the regular world. He was quite offended that I would put him in the same group as my work and that I didn't trust him enough to let him to walk me to my car.
I also had no other information about him other than first name and out of state phone number and probably the company he worked for. I felt saying goodbye in a busy area was best. It is what I usually do. I also leave as much detail ( time meeting, place) as I can with my friend who has password to my OKC account. Text when I leave, text when I am on my way home, and text when home.

Roomie suggested that he probably wanted a kiss, but overreacted. Other friend said he thought it was a bit weird but wouldn't really think twice about it. Prof agreed not letting strangers know what you drive is smart.

What do you think? An overly safety conscious rule or a red flag that the dude was offended?

There will be no second date. Just curious as to how other people handle dating safety.
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Old 02-14-2014, 10:40 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Personally I don't go out socially with people I don't know well enough for them to know where I live.
BUT if you date people that way, good rule to keep some privacy info in place.

As for his reaction-no clue. Could be that he has never encountered that before (I haven't) and was shocked and offended because in his world it would mean you thought HE was dangerous.
Could be he is a jerk.
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Old 02-14-2014, 10:42 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is online now
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Situations where particularly men insist that women accept their offers of help even though the offer has been declined are real red flags. The offering repeatedly, insisting you accept his offer and attempting to shame you into it by being offended are all worrying signs.

You did the right thing in standing your ground and I'm glad to hear that there will be no second date.

Have a read of The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It's excellent on ways to stay safe - not just when dating but in general.

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Old 02-15-2014, 06:19 AM
london london is offline
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I think you need to devise a less awkward way of handling the end of dates if you plan to keep this safety role in place. I think it's over the top but if it makes you feel safe, keep doing it. You just need a way of not coming across like an anxious freak or someone who thinks all men are rapists.

Last edited by london; 02-15-2014 at 07:13 AM.
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Old 02-15-2014, 06:55 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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With so many horror stories in the news and online, I absolutely prefer the "better safe than sorry" approach to dating. Cars have license plates, and it's not terribly difficult to trace a license plate back to the owner. Privacy laws are a joke.

While I fully believe that rape is never the victim's fault, that doesn't mean you should be careless when you have the opportunity to take precautions.

But I also agree that there's probably a less awkward way to handle it. For example, tell them ahead of time (online) that you're highly safety conscious, and that if you act cautious around them, it's not a judgement on them personally, but just the way you handle yourself at all first meetings. If they get all huffy about it at that point, you can just cancel the date and save yourself the time and energy.
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Old 02-15-2014, 02:22 PM
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I always have a first date in a public place, but I don't go so far as to not allow them to walk me to my car. I do however, get their first and last name and phone number and leave it with my gf and/or bf so they know who I was with should I disappear.

I dated around 30 men from 2009 to 2013 and never had a stalking or raping problem, so I think you're a bit paranoid, but hey, we all have our comfort levels.
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Old 02-15-2014, 04:31 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I do however, get their first and last name and phone number and leave it with my gf and/or bf so they know who I was with should I disappear.
Or at least, you get two names that you believe to belong to them, and a phone number which may or may not be traceable. Could be a prepaid cell paid in cash. I'm guessing you don't send a photo of their driver's license to this gf?

Yeah, I watch too many cop shows, and I've seen every episode of SVU :P

I also get what they tell me to be their name and phone number, but then I also tell my people where we're meeting. I remember one particular sketchy seeming person who bought something from me on kijiji (like craigslist), and I was bringing the item to their place (for an extra $5). I texted my husband when I pulled up and sent him the address, so at least the cops would know where to start the search. :P

I can understand how working in a high-risk field where co-workers have actually been followed back to their cars only to have their windshields smashed in would increase your baseline of caution. It may be paranoid overkill, but that's better than being careless and paying for it.
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Old 02-15-2014, 05:06 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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I agree with much you all say.
I could have handled it a little better, but 2 polite refusals should have been enough. I have thought it through and come to peace with it.
But I do get your points that for many people it would seem weird. I didn't talk much about my work on the date, but suffice it to say I have to treat everyone as if they are an assault risk, and worse, because they are. I wouldn't see them otherwise. Here goes....last couple of weeks from 9-10 its, "I want to kill people who don't do what I tell them", followed by 10-11 "I want to kill you."
Schrodinger, I had a co-worker followed and her house set on fire. I work at the far end of whacky ( to use the technical term )
So I suppose my work concerns bleed over into my dating life.
Much of the reason I am studying and looking for a new job is that the risks of what I do are just too much.
Poor dates
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Old 02-15-2014, 05:32 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Or at least, you get two names that you believe to belong to them, and a phone number which may or may not be traceable. Could be a prepaid cell paid in cash. I'm guessing you don't send a photo of their driver's license to this gf?
LOL, right right. I do screen as carefully as I can for "not an ax murderer" status in chat and on phone before meeting. But it's a risk. However, many people just meet a drunk guy/girl in a bar and go home with them for sex a short time after the drunk chit chat! Yikes. And yet, most of them don't get raped or murdered either. People ARE mostly normal and just want some sex and human contact.

Quote:
Yeah, I watch too many cop shows, and I've seen every episode of SVU :P

I also get what they tell me to be their name and phone number, but then I also tell my people where we're meeting.
Yes, I do that too.
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miss pixi, 37
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Old 02-15-2014, 06:57 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
And yet, most of them don't get raped or murdered either.
Sadly, lots of them do. "Most?" No. But more than enough that it's a valid concern. Many of these rapes go unreported because the women knew they were going home with a stranger, how that's going to look to law enforcement, and that the chances of getting any kind of justice are slim to none.
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Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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