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Old 02-06-2014, 06:51 PM
CJinMi CJinMi is offline
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Default Young Triad in Mi, Mostly good but advice welcomed!

Hello all, I am 25 and just celebrated 2 years of marriage with my wife A. We dated for a few years prior to marriage, and first discussed an interest in Poly triads on our second date when she admitted to be bi-curious though had very limited experience.

In the years that followed we had a few encounters of soft play with a very close mutual friend who was female. We cared for her very much, and seemed to fit our relationship perfectly. She contrasted and complimented our relationship very well, but unfortunately moved away for a great job offer. We still keep in touch.

Fast forward to about a year and a half ago. A and I purchase our first home which is far more than we needed, as we were not ready to start a family yet. A is a full time student, and has a full time job. I have a new business still in its infancy. In October of last year a women replied to an ad of ours for a room for rent, we will call her V. We met and hungout a few times to be sure we would all get along, and in an evening full of drinks and laughs we break the news that we are very interested in a poly triad. She much to our amazement admits she finds the concept interesting, but has no interest in women sexually.

Over the next few months we become very close. V and I even take a weekend trip to Chicago for the Red Bull flugtag event. But during this time A and V grow much closer as friends as well, going shopping together, getting nails done, in addition to the time we all spend together at home. V seems to be fitting in very well, and doesn't even mind joining us and our usual friends for skinny dipping in the hot tub. (A and I are not lifestyle, but we always vacation to clothing optional destinations, and we have friends who are very similar.)

Last weekend everything changed. Things got a little heated in the hot tub, and while I am going down on A, I jokingly look back to V and asked if she wanted any? Without skipping a beat she not only says yes, but takes a very dominate role in what ended up being an amazing passionate night between the three of us. Suddenly the intimate relationship has caught up with the emotional relationship they have been building for months. And frankly, they can't keep their hands off of eachother. So much so that a few days ago, I was informed at breakfast that I slept right through the two of them having some late night fun!

V exclaims she never thought this would ever happen, but she cares for us both very much and wants to pursue this very seriously. A agrees, and so far has been much more open to V and I's relationship than I ever thought possible in such a short time. In part I assume because of her own NRE with V.

BUT, yesterday when I got home from work I was texting A some sexy thoughts. She replied that she had some ideas for alone time with me that night, but that if V was home I had her blessing to indulge without her. Not that this is something we are required to ask, but she wanted to reassure me it was perfectly fine. V got home shortly after, and when I told her I was getting in the shower she asked to join me. I enjoy play time in the shower, with each of them as well as together, and they too have their time without me. A has been home when V and I showered alone previously, and this was no issue.

When A got home and heard the shower running, with no one around she figured we must both be in there. So A being the cute and funny women she is, snuck in to scare us as she usually does to me. She ripped the current back at a very intimate moment, V and I like deer in headlights. Not because we had done anything we were not supposed to, but A had scared the crap out of us at a very climactic moment. Amy announced she was home, and headed downstairs to do some laundry.

After I dried off I went downstairs to talk with her about our day, as we usually do. But immediately I knew something was wrong. We talked a lot about it last night, and she assured me she was not upset and was still very committed to pursuing this poly relationship. She said she was just in a bit of surprise, and was overwhelmed with some emotions she wasn't sure how to cope with. I assured her it was completely normal, and we continued to talk about it for a bit more before cuddling up for bed.

A and I have such a strong relationship, I am not even sure how to describe it. We disagree, but never yell. We have been hurt, but never push each other away or withdraw. Our communication is about as good as anyone could ever hope for. I am certain we can overcome this, and I have already read a few articles that discuss these types of issues in poly relationships, and how to deal with them. I intend to talk with her about it more this evening, and introduce her to this forum. So fellow poly friends, have any of you ever dealt with this? Any advice?

Thanks,
C
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  #2  
Old 02-06-2014, 09:44 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Greetings CJinMi,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Heh, may I offer a cigar. Most poly partners experience a whole lot more turbulence than you described here before things finally smooth out and settle down. Not to scare or discourage or even poke fun -- okay maybe a little poke in the ribs -- more just to tell you hey, don't panic, it's very normal to hit a bump in the road. Shoot that's true in monogamy, so why not in polyamory as well?

You and A will almost certainly be re-inventing your marriage as it is no longer just your marriage, it is now an intimate relationship that includes V, and that changes everything. Lots of new dynamics to be sorted out.

I often recommend weekly sit-downs for newly-formed poly families, as you need frequent opportunity to air your feelings (some that you may not even be conscious of), re-negotiate "the rules" as you go along, and just get lots and lots of practicing at communicating with each other (as a three-person unit). If some sit-downs are "hey it's all good" affirmations, well that's all the better. But it's important to keep each other religiously on the same page during these early stages. Assume nothing (no matter how obvious), and take nothing for granted.

Getting A -- and V -- involved here on Polyamory.com is a great idea. You've no idea how much there is to read and learn, and of course it's always good to ask questions (and get a wide range of answers). I'd start for now with a search (how about a tag search) for the word "communication." Consider journaling also in the Life stories and blogs board. Sometimes goblins hide in your subconscious where you're not even aware of them. Journaling can help to tease them out.

If you get lost in the shuffle (busy site here), just ping your thread from time to time. I'll have an eye on this thread for sure and will be happy to answer any questions to the best of my knowledge.

Glad you could join us!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
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Old 02-07-2014, 02:19 PM
CJinMi CJinMi is offline
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Thanks for the warm welcome. I really appreciate the kind words. All seems to be back to normal in the house, which is a relief. I intend to discuss it in a bit more depth once A has had some time to reflect on it, and gets over the little virus she has right now. But all in all, things are going very well and I'm happy.

On a side note, my father whom I am very close to, was over last night working on something out in my shop. I decided it was finally time to tell him. Up until this point only our closest friends knew. He said he didn't see much advantage other than sex, but that as long as A and I are happy, he doesn't have to understand. I'm grateful to have such an awesome father.
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Old 02-07-2014, 07:10 PM
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That is awesome. It's a good feeling to have a dad you know you can depend on.
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Old 02-08-2014, 12:36 AM
AJJinMI AJJinMI is offline
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HI
I'm A!
I am glad that my hubby was able to find this site and show me this. I can see this site helping us a lot about issues that have been brought up or will be brought up at some point or another.

I look forward to looking around.

-A
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Old 02-08-2014, 01:01 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Some poly people claim to have been born without the jealousy gene, but I'd say the majority of us feel a twinge from time to time, or even more than a twinge. It might not even be jealousy, just envy, and it can sneak up on you.

I am in an accidental triad of sorts, and yesterday I got home from work to be told by my gf that my (our?) bf was over to do work around our house, and they'd spent so much time kissing, her mouth area was abraded from his beard. Made me feel kinda... weird. It's a lesson in letting go of control of one's lovers.
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me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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Old 02-10-2014, 12:45 AM
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Greetings A! I hope you guys enjoy your stay here.
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Old 02-17-2014, 06:45 PM
CJinMi CJinMi is offline
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Well another week has come and gone, and honestly things have been smooth sailing since our last little bump. We had a wonderful Valentines Day together. I got A some more Charms for her Pandora bracelet, and bought V a bracelet so A and I can start giving her Charms as well. This was actually A's idea.

(Interrupted by customer, will finish update shortly.)
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Old 02-17-2014, 09:25 PM
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Sounding good CJ.
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