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Old 02-13-2014, 04:25 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Default My sexual insecurity (a little graphic)

This is a really hard thing for me to open up about, but I feel like there's a lot of great people on these boards, so I'm coming to you for help.

What I'm writing about isn't in relation to one particular partner, but about my own reaction to sex.

About 8 months ago, I divorced my wife of 14 years for many reasons. One of the problems in our marriage was that for the first 8 years of marriage, she'd been lying about having orgasms - as in she'd had NONE for all that time. Now I didn't get angry or penalize her in any way for this. In fact, I worked hard on the issue while attempting to make sure she didn't feel self-conscious about it.

As a result, today, I'm still very self-conscious about whether I've brought my partner to orgasm. Even when all the signs are there: extreme wetness, internal vaginal convulsions, erect nipples, engorged clitoris, flushness, etc. etc. etc.

I realize that a vital part of sex in a relationship (as opposed to casual sex) is the honesty and intimacy that means you can talk about anything.

Last night a partner and I had sex and it was fantastic. *SEMI-GRAPHIC. NSFW. WARNING*
She'd gotten a little tipsy and initiated things. We roleplayed a new scenario that we both enjoyed and there was a return to a bit of light bondage that we'd both been missing. Throughout the event I made sure to listen to what she wanted and take direction as given in addition to delivering what I've learned she really likes. Not to get too graphic, but there was a lot of foreplay, much manual stimulation, then oral. After what could have been 5 or 15 minutes of oral (I don't watch a clock during sex lol) she came really hard. Afterwards she laid back in release and bliss, though her face was one of being completely wiped. Not a smile on her face as much as just wiped. Touching her more yielded that her body was way too sensitive all over.

Penetration wasn't in the cards because she had just finished having a herpes outbreak and felt kind of raw, so instead she suggested I get myself off while she bent over and showed me her honeypot. In the middle of things I reached up and played with her again, finding her clit totally engorged and everything super wet. Playing with her again resulted in orgasm for her and after that one for me too.

I say all that just to say that even with all the external indicators, I'm having trust issues with believing that my partner isn't faking. Normally after we have sex we talk about things, but this time we didn't. Again, that's fine. You don't always want to do a post-mortem to over-analyze, but it's usually more of a "whoa. yeah. that rocked." and her telling me how many times she came, what we both liked and what we didn't. Apparently I do hold the record, according to her, for making her cum the most number of times in one session. Not that it's a competition. (this isn't bragging. it's me trying to re-assure myself)

I'm babbling now. I know I should just believe this person that I love, but my marriage has left me with lots of doubt. In day-to-day life, I'm a very outgoing, confident person. And sexually I am too. But yet lingering doubts persist.

Help?
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Last edited by vanquish; 02-13-2014 at 05:48 PM.
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Old 02-13-2014, 04:37 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Im not reading your whole post. From what glean from the first part before it turned graphic you should just have a grown up conversation with your partner.
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Old 02-13-2014, 05:01 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Really did you need to overshare the details to get your question answered.

You need to have a grown up conversation with your partner not be a braggart and exhibitionist on a message board. If my husbands posted this graphic info on a message board about me there would be hell to play.

IMO overstating intimate details is crass and disgusting.
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Old 02-13-2014, 05:26 PM
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I don't mind the graphic details (we've had plenty of graphic sex stories shared here, no big deal), but I do have to say that I think you're placing way too much importance on whether she cums or not. It sure reads like she is, but so what? Sex can be enjoyable without cumming, too. And focusing so much on getting to climax can take away the pleasure of sharing bodies and experiencing the sensations going on in the here and now. The question to ask is, "are you happy and satisfied?" As far as believing her or not, just keep reminding yourself that she is a different person, not your ex.

Many women can cum multiple times very easily, while others take a much longer road to get there. The ones who hardly ever cum or aren't sure (because sometimes it's a Little O, not a Big O), are often wrapped up in the thoughts or insecurities in their heads - women think a lot during sex, much more than men do.

Regarding your ex having lied about not having orgasms, well, that's just what a lot of women were taught to do in our highly repressive society. If we don't cum, we are shamed into thinking there is something wrong with us, and if we want sex a lot or for our sex lives to improve, we are made to feel like worthless sluts - so who the heck would speak up if they were not able to climax easily unless they were able and ready to question all that and pursue satisfaction.

In a way you are contributing to that mindset with your current gf, by making whether she has orgasms or not so important. RELAX and enjoy what you've got and just keep reminding yourself to stay in the moment and that she is not your ex-wife.
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Old 02-13-2014, 05:43 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Wow. Not the response I was expecting (except from nycindie).

First, I labeled the thread as graphic. If you didn't want to read it, you were warned. I didn't even really get that graphic about things. I could have gone a lot further.

Second, I wasn't trying to brag at all. In fact, what I wrote was the opposite of bragging for me. I was really afraid that I was going to get a bunch of people telling me crap like "well if you don't know, then you didn't do it right." and other versions of "you're really shitting in bed." or "8 years!! you're an idiot."

Third, the information I gave was pretty non-descript actually and you don't know what partner I'm talking about, so it's not like you can attribute it to one person in particular.

I open up about something that I feel exposed about and I get insults instead? Awesome. FFS, you are strangers on the internet. Wtf was I expecting.

Inyourendo, I have had a grown up conversation with this partner. She understands how my marital history affects my trust issues. When you're thinking dysfunctional thoughts just "having a grown-up conversation" doesn't always fix things. On one level I trust her and know she's not a liar. On a fucked up level my brain still has nagging thoughts and dysfunctional fears. Your advice amounts to "suck it up." which isn't helpful at all.

Dagferi, I'm sorry you were offended, but a) that was not my intent b) you're mischaracterizing my post and c) all you did was repeat the same thing that Inyourendo said. If I'm on a forum board about relationships, I know I need to have grown-up conversations. That's not a newsflash.

What I was looking for was help working through trust issues. Not insults.
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Old 02-13-2014, 05:45 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I don't mind the graphic details (we've had plenty of graphic sex stories shared here, no big deal), but I do have to say that I think you're placing way too much importance on whether she cums or not. It sure reads like she is, but so what? Sex can be enjoyable without cumming, too. And focusing so much on getting to climax can take away the pleasure of sharing bodies and experiencing the sensations going on in the here and now. The question to ask is, "are you happy and satisfied?" As far as believing her or not, just keep reminding yourself that she is a different person, not your ex.

Many women can cum multiple times very easily, while others take a much longer road to get there. The ones who hardly ever cum or aren't sure (because sometimes it's a Little O, not a Big O), are often wrapped up in the thoughts or insecurities in their heads - women think a lot during sex, much more than men do.

Regarding your ex having lied about not having orgasms, well, that's just what a lot of women were taught to do in our highly repressive society. If we don't cum, we are shamed into thinking there is something wrong with us, and if we want sex a lot or for our sex lives to improve, we are made to feel like worthless sluts - so who the heck would speak up if they were not able to climax easily unless they were able and ready to question all that and pursue satisfaction.

In a way you are contributing to that mindset with your current gf, by making whether she has orgasms or not so important. RELAX and enjoy what you've got and just keep reminding yourself to stay in the moment and that she is not your ex-wife.
Great advice, seriously. I guess I just needed someone to give me permission to relax about it. We definitely explore and have fun and I try not to overtalk things. I appreciate you reminding me that its about the journey not the destination.
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Old 02-13-2014, 06:00 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Yeah, I seriously hate this idea we're taught in society that it's a man's responsibility to make sure a woman cums. I had a friend who used to keep track and if her bf didn't get her there, she would put him in the owesies column for next time and say he had to make it up to her. I couldn't get over that.

You know who makes sure I cum? Me. Yeah, it's awesome if my partner gets me off - woohoo, I've had some mind-blowing experiences and I am happy and grateful for them - but if a guy can't do it for me, I do myself. And, if I can't get off, it's more than likely not the guy's fault at all - I'm just not able to relax enough or get out of my head. It's no one's "duty" to bring me to climax. If he finishes first, or if a lot of effort has gone into trying to "make me" cum and it ain't happening, well then I say, "Hold onto me, honey, touch this and do that while I use my toy." And sometimes, I have had such a good time, it doesn't even matter if I climaxed or not, if I would rather just enjoy holding this man and reveling in the connection we just made. I'll treat myself later.

There's a sex toy store here in NYC called Babeland, and I got a magnet there once with a purchase, and it says: "Laugh and don't be afraid to make a mess." I love that because I've always laughed a lot during sex - why not? It doesn't have to be so serious all the time. So, yeah, it is about the journey, about being in the moment - and relaxing about sex is a major key to satisfaction and enjoyment!
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-13-2014 at 06:07 PM.
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Old 02-13-2014, 06:18 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Absolutely. And you're also right about the laughing part. One time me and a girl got really, really sweaty and our chests made this kind of burping sound...all we could both do is laugh our asses off and keep going and it was a great moment.

Thanks for the perspective.
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  #9  
Old 02-13-2014, 07:10 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Was your wife lying about other stuff as well? Is the issue that she wasn't having an orgasm or that she was dishonest?
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Old 02-13-2014, 07:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Regarding your ex having lied about not having orgasms, well, that's just what a lot of women were taught to do in our highly repressive society. If we don't cum, we are shamed into thinking there is something wrong with us, and if we want sex a lot or for our sex lives to improve, we are made to feel like worthless sluts - so who the heck would speak up if they were not able to climax easily unless they were able and ready to question all that and pursue satisfaction.

In a way you are contributing to that mindset with your current gf, by making whether she has orgasms or not so important. RELAX and enjoy what you've got and just keep reminding yourself to stay in the moment and that she is not your ex-wife.
This.

Take the "worrying about whether or not she orgasms" out of the equation and figure out if you're both enjoying your intimate time together. If the answer is "yes" then what difference does it make?

If your GF has been honest before, then trust her to be honest in the future. And if she tells you she didn't have an orgasm and she says that's okay? BELIEVE HER. Some of us don't have to get off every time to have a good time. I don't have to reach the top of the mountain to enjoy my hike, y'know?
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