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  #1  
Old 09-25-2013, 12:35 AM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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Default Shot and sweet..this is me.

Hey, everyone! Okay, so I am short. Sweet is, I suppose, up to interpretation.

I've been in poly relationships of various kinds for most of my adult life, though also in some more traditional dyads.

Currently, I am in an "accidental" FMF V.
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Old 09-25-2013, 05:21 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hello GreenAcres,
Welcome to our forum.

It sounds like you're pretty comfortable wearing your poly shoes, even though you don't have to.

I guess you could say I am in an "accidental" MFM V.

Hope you enjoy your time on your site, have a look around and see what calls to you.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Old 09-25-2013, 11:59 AM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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Thank you for the welcome, Kevin!

Overall, I am fairly comfortable in the poly life, but I am currently in a very uncomfortable V that I am going to be ending. I posted in the poly relationships thread, but I think it's still in moderation. Short version: totally in love with him, can't deal with her, and have never been comfortable in a polyfi V that is set up this way, especially with the Drama Queen, passive-aggressive metamour. I'm pretty heartbroken about ending it, but it's getting unhealthy for me.

Now I just have to figure out how to end it. I've never had a breakup like this before (it's going to be painful and messy, because he and I are still very in love, very compatible).
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Old 09-25-2013, 02:28 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Default Clarification

Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenAcres View Post
Thank you for the welcome, Kevin!

Overall, I am fairly comfortable in the poly life, but I am currently in a very uncomfortable V that I am going to be ending. I posted in the poly relationships thread, but I think it's still in moderation. Short version: totally in love with him, can't deal with her, and have never been comfortable in a polyfi V that is set up this way, especially with the Drama Queen, passive-aggressive metamour. I'm pretty heartbroken about ending it, but it's getting unhealthy for me.

Now I just have to figure out how to end it. I've never had a breakup like this before (it's going to be painful and messy, because he and I are still very in love, very compatible).
Do you mean that you and she are both dating him? If so, you appear to be referring to breaking him and her up. Usually trying to break up other people's relationships is a bad idea and it's generally not considered acceptable to anyone poly (that's an open relationship, but it's not a poly situation). Or do you mean you are going to break up with him?
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Old 09-25-2013, 03:47 PM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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Default Breaking with him

FC,

He's the hinge. And no, not breaking them up (I would never try to do that to someone else's relationship, regardless of how I felt about the metamour). Breaking up with him. The three of us tried a triad for a while, but it didn't go well. For a variety of reasons, even though I am deeply in love with him, the current functionality of the V is really unhealthy for me, and I need to get out of it. I don't want to break his heart, and I don't want to break mine; but, I don't feel I have a lot of other choices. I've never had a breakup like this before, and I am trying to find the best way to go about it, causing the least amount of pain to all parties involved.
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Old 09-25-2013, 03:52 PM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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Default Of note

They are actually married, not just dating. He would like to marry me, as well (clearly not legally, since it's not recognized in the US; but, in every way possible to make things fair and stable); but, given the rest of the situation, it's not a solution I think is workable long-term. I didn't go into this looking for a V situation, or even a triad. It was all very accidental. Lesson learned.

I don't mind being in a Vee, but I don't like being secondary if it's more than just casual and fun, and I definitely am not okay with the probability that I would stay secondary forever, and I don't like the drama she brings to the Vee, which gets very difficult for me to deal with (there's a lot of scheduling involved since we're on different shifts and work at different places, and her drama directly affects me a lot because of this. He is unwilling to put a stop to it, in part because he has a very hard time understanding why the drama is an issue for me).
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Old 09-25-2013, 10:25 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Ohh ... didn't realize things weren't going so well. Sorry to hear that.

Are the three of you living together? What usually triggers the drama?

It sounds like he's used to the drama, so he assumes it wouldn't tweak anyone else. I can certainly understand your feelings about being a secondary when it's more than just casual and fun. Hope you can find a way to break up that's not too painful.
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Old 09-26-2013, 12:27 AM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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Default Breaking with him

Kevin,

Thank you so much for the support, it's very appreciated. I've been the secondary in a casual, dating V, and it was great. I've been the secondary in a triad, and it was great. I've been the primary in a triad, and it was great. In a polyfi V where deeper emotions are involved, it sucks (at least for me).

Fortunately, we aren't living together. They did ask me to move in, but I declined because she and I weren't getting along, and I had a pretty clear idea where it was going. Once I declined, things got even worse, actually.

Honestly, everything triggers drama with her. I'd love to give examples, but I'd rather not be too identifying. The closest I can get is that instead of just saying "I really could use someone to support me right now," or something adult like that if there is a work or family crisis of some kind, she'll start wailing louder and louder, in increments, until someone comes to soother her. Which, incidentally, I don't do because I am not interested in reinforcing that. Which may make me a bitch, but really, I don't do it for anyone. Ask for what you need, and I will give you everything I can. Act like a spoiled child, and you've totally lost me.

She's very emotionally manipulative and immature overall; and, you are right, he's used to it enough he kind of assumes everyone would be okay with it. Weirdly, I am better at dealing with it very short-term than he is, much like I would be with a child; but, there's a reason I don't have kids: I don't want to deal with it on an ongoing basis. He, however, deals fairly well with it as a long-term thing. And, in some ways, perhaps he needs it? She and I are complete opposites in terms of personality, which I know fulfills very different things for him (because he's told me this). She's also single-white-femaled the hell out of me, which stains things. She's now trying to replicate me and the things he and I do together that she's been very uninterested in (and sometimes even outright against) before me (not in bed--we're all VERY adventurous there--but IRL), which is just plain weird.

I am struggling with the when and how to end it. I don't want to end it, really, because I love him. When we are together, it's euphoric. We're so well-matched in so many ways, and we have an amazing time together. We compliment each other, challenge each other, and I haven't felt so strongly about someone in a very long time. But, Reality Happens, and I need to be in a healthy place.

I keep telling myself that. But I still haven't ended it.
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Old 09-26-2013, 01:33 AM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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Default And being balanced

I should say that her drama isn't the only reason I need to end this. Our schedules mean we don't get to see each other much, and it's wearing thin for me. I don't get the "real life" stuff with him (cleaning house, running errands, etc.), so I am pretty much a single woman in all those respects. It's another "fairness" aspect for me: they do all the mundane, "couple" stuff at their house, and I have to do it all alone. While they each have a helpmate to accomplish tasks, and get to spend time together doing them, I support my household (bills, chores, errands, etc.) completely independently and completely on my own time (because having him help me do it would mean giving up the very little time we're getting to do anything other than go to bed). They don't understand why this makes me feel secondary, btw.

Since I have a full-time job on a different schedule (that I can't change), I spend a lot of time physically exhausted because unless I stay up way later than I should to spend time with him, I don't see him for more than a few minutes a couple of times a week before bed, and then a full day or two every two weeks. I am staying up those extra hours, which is leaving me beyond tired (and he's getting up early, which is leaving him tired). When I am single, being alone is fine. I like my alone time. But, when I am in love with someone, this little time gets to be a problem. Especially when it's a very limited window, because it often means giving up doing other things I would like to or should get done if they happen to fall on those tightly-schedule days.

The short version is that it's not working, and it's not likely to change. I get that. I just don't want to.
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Old 09-26-2013, 01:49 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Well, it sounds like you want to do the mature thing and let go of a relationship with someone who has unavoidable toxicity surrounding him - even though it will break your heart to do so. Is there any way you can continue your relationship with him and just not be around her or interact with her? There's no requirement in poly to endure the presence of toxic metamours - it certainly isn't unreasonable to ask that he can see you outside his home and your contact with her can be very little to none.

But if that isn't possible and a breakup is inevitable, then I would simply ask to talk to him privately and then express to him some of the things you wrote in your posts:

"Honey, you know I am deeply in love with you, and when we are together, it's euphoric. We're so well-matched in so many ways, and we have an amazing time together. We compliment each other, challenge each other, and I haven't felt so strongly about someone in a very long time.

But I am struggling with the dynamic of this Vee. My heart is breaking to tell you this, but I don't feel I have a lot of other choices. The drama of your other relationship, and how you allow it to continue, along with the challenge of our schedules, is just very unhealthy for me. The drama has just been too much for me, and is very difficult for me to deal with. It's not working for me, and I know it's not likely to change.

I don't want to end it, really, because I love you, but the reality is - I need to end it. I know you want to marry me but, given the rest of the situation, it's not a solution I think is workable long-term. I don't want to cause you pain, but I feel the only thing I can do in order to be in a healthy place in my life is to let go of this toxic situation."
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-26-2013 at 01:52 AM.
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