Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 02-13-2014, 04:27 PM
bofish bofish is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 221

Thank you for clarifying. It sounds like you guys really work as partners and have a handle on it. We don't. I've always felt like I was too responsible for the housework, so I guess having him away once a week, just adds to a problem already there. InYou...you also said the nights depend on your work schedule. I have asked him to not give up one night a week, but be flexible which night it is (and not the one that he works the entire next day) which I think is super reasonable.
Reply With Quote
Old 02-13-2014, 04:30 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Crazytown USA
Posts: 1,885

I understand that. He really should be doing more around the house. N is a sahd but I still do a lot and usually when hes gone ill deep clean the house. Maybe that's something you guys can do? You go away 1 night a week and he can clean?
Reply With Quote
Old 02-13-2014, 04:43 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,786

Both my husbands work night shift.

Butch works 3 to 11p 8 days straight with 2 days off then 7 days straight with 4 days off.

Murf works 2 days is off 2 works 3 days then is off two days then works 2 days and is off 3 days. He works from 6pm to 6 am.

We make it work. There are times the kids are along. Butch pulls his weight housework wise. Our life runs smoothly unless weather doesn't cooperate.
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
Reply With Quote
Old 02-13-2014, 06:11 PM
bofish bofish is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 221

Thank you InYou... I realize a lot of this just has to do with healing from my childhood. I basically took care of 4 brothers and sisters from the age of 11...so I need to reckon with that. It must be bliss to have a SHAD in some ways... but i think this is more about my feelings than the GF.
Reply With Quote
Old 02-14-2014, 02:14 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 757

Originally Posted by seakinganswers View Post
I will never admit to being the type of guy who would easily be able to find what I'm looking for in relationships. lol

But I will say if a potential mate talked the way some of y'all do about relationship expectations I'd slowly back away and run for the door. I understand that makes me sound selfish but it could be argued that's its selfish to expect so many commitments from your lover too.

When I love somebody I cherish the time we spend together. I see every moment together as a gift from God, but if I ever thought she would be happier in a different situation then I'd kick her out the door if I had to. Because I love her enough to lose her or risk losing her if it means she is happier. And I would be attracted to someone else who felt the same way. In other words I'd be more attracted to a free spirit who takes life a moment at a time, and realizes that not every relationship has to be leading towards a lifelong commitment to be valuable.

If you're someone that gets completely torn apart and has a hard time getting over losing someone though then this type of relationship would probably not interest you at all.
Totally agreed! That said experience is a harsh mistress. We are sharing our experiences. I imagine that all of us to some degree have found that the actual experience of polyamory deviated from our initial expectations.

Also, I don't think you are quite understanding something. We are not necessarily talking about a lifelong commitment, but we are saying that we would not want whether the relationship succeeds or fails or gets disbanded to be decided by the whims of another partner - in your case, your wife.
Reply With Quote
Old 02-14-2014, 12:36 PM
Emm's Avatar
Emm Emm is offline
Stealth Mod
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,392

There's a difference between being equal and being identical. One of my boyfriends and his wife have an astonishing number of children, mostly under the age of 12. Obviously, he needs to spend considerable time ensuring that they are healthy, well-fed and happy.

I have two cats. I don't need him to spend any time making sure of their health and happiness, so I don't need him to be around as often or for as long as his wife does. If I was one to insist on capital-E Equality this would be untenable, even though what his wife is getting is not something I actually need or want.

You may have seen this image floating around on the internet recently, which I think sums it up nicely:

I don't insist that it's my right to have a box to stand on just because my metamour needs one.
Reply With Quote
Old 02-14-2014, 02:52 PM
seakinganswers seakinganswers is offline
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 68

Lots of great responses. Thanks guys. I'm definitely learning
Reply With Quote
Old 02-14-2014, 03:01 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,525

Good discussion, even if the OP doesn't seem to be "getting it."

In my case, I've got a live-in gf. We've been together 5 years and living together less than a year. We share finances, but are not raising kids (mine are grown and she can't have any).

My bf of 2 years is married, has been with his wife for 20+ years. I guess technically, then both my bf and I have "primaries," but it doesnt impact how we feel about each other. We do have to manage our time together dependent on needs and wants of our other partners, seeking balance, not equality.

I do not feel "committed for life" to either, like some kind of life sentence! I get along quite well with both partners. I reckon I will be partnered with each one for a long time to come. We work hard at ironing out differences and respecting each others' desires and needs. I wouldn't dump Ginger just because miss pixi wanted me to.

That said, when Ginger recently started dating other women, I did have issues with his choices. But I am working hard at dealing with him adding new lovers into his life. It hasn't been easy, but its his right, and I want to support it. You can read my blog here, the last dozen or so posts show the work we had to do. I've had a lot of other life stresses lately which made dealing with him dating harder than it should be.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my partner since January 2009
Kahlo (poly-curious, M, 45) my bf since August 2017
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 03:36 AM.