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  #41  
Old 02-13-2014, 03:00 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default Overnights

Poly, I'm glad you can relate to this...it is something I am wrestling with.

IN, I think my situation is unclear. My husband and I live as domestic partners. We don't sleep together, and rarely have sex. The "four nights" (0r three rather) that he is home 1 is family night. 2. Is getting ready for the work week. 3. He takes my son out so that I can rest for awhile.

She DOES get one night - she has for a year. To have this one night I have to take care of our son and house for another 24 hours.What might feel good is if I could go to a hotel once a week, spend the night and rest! People here have critized me for this. Actually, I'm a really loving person. I have struggled hard to make everyone happy. But there comes a time when I need to learn to put my needs FIRST.

I do think, or an finding that, there are complications when a single person dates a married person with kids. Part of this complication is that she wants only PART of my husband, the sexy fun part. I do think sustaining a long-term relationship (even in poly) takes accepting someone as a whole. That wouldn't mean her dating me, but say, her occasionally inviting him to do something for the day with our kid. Or coming to our neighborhood for dinner out with him, or meeting him for lunch. I'm not asking him never to spend the night, just that because of circumstances, a family has to come first.

If I were single, whether i dated a guy in a marriage with kids would depend on my needs. If I wanted to be part of their family, that would work, but if I needed to only have dinner a few nights a week, that would work too.

But I feel my husband's GF really wants a primary partner. I get this from the fact that she often avoids things to do with his family and friends. She wants him to be in her circle and on her time schedule. And, from a practical standpoint, thas not entirely possible.
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  #42  
Old 02-13-2014, 03:09 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default London?

If being separate does not mean "less time" how does one deal with the childcare and housework that the partner is left with during that time? How does the partner at home get their equal free time if they do not have an outside partner?

I think my situation may be particular though because my husband works most nights and because of child is 11; therefore too old for a babysitter, took young to be alone for long stretches.

Sometimes being poly (which was meant to make me freer and more of a feminist) makes me feel more trapped (I'm doing housework all weekend so a husband can play with his lover).

I think poly can be a lot more fluid when there are not kids involved. What do you think?
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  #43  
Old 02-13-2014, 03:35 PM
london london is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
You can absolutely say that you cannot share practical entanglements with anyone else.

Keeping relationships separate does mean less time all round.

Stopping a spouse from being poly by preventing them from having the space to form relationships with others is a cunt move.
I said it does mean less time.

Brb with the rest
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  #44  
Old 02-13-2014, 03:37 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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. I get this from the fact that she often avoids things to do with his family and friends. She wants him to be in her circle and on her time schedule.And, from a practical standpoint, thas not entirely possible.[/QUOTE]

That's how I want things. I don't want to be involved with partner's family. My relationship is completely separate from their other relationships. I have 4 kids and have not found it . Impede things. For instance, if ibhave 4 available nights a week and I spend 1 night away and N spends 1 night away that leaves 2 nights together as a family and since 1 of us is home while the other is out then child care isn't an issue. We both get equal time with others and more time with each other than with anyone else
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Last edited by Inyourendo; 02-13-2014 at 03:42 PM.
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  #45  
Old 02-13-2014, 03:47 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default Four Kids

In:

Ok, I'm just trying to be clear...you are married with 4 kids. Both of you have partners who don't spend time near the house or with the kids? Both of you spend one night away a week while the other cares for the kids? Do you do this on school nights or weekends? Do you have any other help? Like a nanny, housekeeper or relatives? Are the kids older? Just curious about how it works.

If you didn't have your one night a week with a lover...do you think it would be fair to spend one night in a hotel or with a friend?
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  #46  
Old 02-13-2014, 03:56 PM
LadyLigeia LadyLigeia is offline
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I just let love be love. My "primary" relationship is such because the quality of our relationship and his importance in my life has situated itself in the "primary" category. How we/I might feel about other people is how we feel about them. Although I let him do what he wants, I know that the chance of him leaving me for someone else is zilch. In my opinion, it's all about candid communication and respect.
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  #47  
Old 02-13-2014, 04:04 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bofish View Post
. . . I'm doing housework all weekend so a husband can play with his lover.
Bofish, I think your part of this conversation probably merits its own thread, but why isn't your husband doing housework when he is home?
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  #48  
Old 02-13-2014, 04:18 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default How do you do it?

Your right, NY, this probably does need another thread. I don't want to hijack anyone... but it seemed like some people here could relate. I am really anxious to hear more about InYourendos situation.

I think a lot of it is family problems. My husband is a freelancer. He's gone many nights and days. When he is home, he's focused on his work, and a messy person. We also have elderly animals, one of which poops in the house. Our son is difficult. Sometimes he helps, often he doesn't. We've spent years working on all these issues (which has gotten slightly better). So, to add him being gone another night (and all the next day) is hard for me. I totally take responsibility for my part in this.

Where I think my husband's girlfriend could be more flexible about it all is to come into his life just a little more. I understand that she may not want to spend the day with our son, but maybe she could have dinner in our neighborhood alone with him once in awhile.

A big issue now is that she has to move. She has the opportunity to move to our neighborhood or nearby. This would give them more time together. But she is considering moving even further (an hour 1/2 by subway). I'm not sure why she would do this.

I think a lot of this had to do also with my husband telling me that GF didn't get enough time. I asked him to stop that. Separate is separate. Part of this is I feel her needs shouldn't be in my mind.

Last edited by bofish; 02-13-2014 at 04:24 PM.
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  #49  
Old 02-13-2014, 04:19 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bofish View Post
In:

Okclear...you are married with 4 kids. Both of you have partners who don't spend time near the house or with the kids? Both of you spend one night away a week while the other cares for the kids? Do you do this on school nights or weekends? Do you have any other help? Like a nanny, housekeeper or relatives? Are the kids older? Just curious about how it works.

If you didn't have your one night a week with a lover...do you think it would be fair to spend one night in a hotel or with a friend?
No we don't have or need outside help. We homeachool so there arent school nights but i dont think that would have any baring on it.we choose pur nights away based on all our work schedules. Our kids range from 15,8,4, and 1.

This is the first time I've had a partner in the 5 years n and I have been together. While a hotel room would be out of the question due to cost, I see nothing wrong keeping things fair. So if one of us was unpartnered and wanted a nightclub away then they should be able to.



J is involved with out family. Ordinarily that wouldn't have happened but ahe was living with my bestffriend and we went to a lot of social functions together anyway.

I really don't find sleepovers being a hardship to our life
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  #50  
Old 02-13-2014, 04:27 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Also I personally would not want to spend my (limited) time with my bf with his family. I understand why it would be convenient to you if he combined his time so he would be gone less but that really wouldn't be fair to me.
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