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  #1  
Old 03-15-2014, 08:58 PM
newpoli newpoli is offline
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Default Feeling ditched again

I'm not entirely sure how to start this. I am just so upset right now. My boy friend and I were supposed to go out tonight and since we seem to spend the nights in a lot I made plans for us to go out to dinner and then over to a friends (who he doesn't really know, but I want him to) for games. I just got a text from him saying that he has to cancel. This is due to the fact that his wife and her other husband got turned down for financing on their new furnace (since their old one up and died) so he needed to stay home to calm her down and figure out how they were going to pay for the new furnace. His co-husband also has another wife and they all live together. I am the only person outside of their family.

Right now it's just making me feel ditched. I understand that he needs to take care of his family, but I feel like I am never going to be anywhere close to as important as his wife is. My question is how do I either learn to be okay with that? Or how do I let go this man who I love very much?
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Old 03-15-2014, 09:15 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Sorry a dead furnace is more important than going out to dinner and a game night.

When Murf's furnace took a crap Butch gave up a day off and going out with his friends to fix it for free for Murf. Heat is kind of a need. Murf and Butch are nothing to each other other than sort of friends through me.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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Old 03-15-2014, 09:38 PM
newpoli newpoli is offline
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I know the furnace is more important. We live in Minnesota, heat is very important. I guess I'm just struggling tonight.
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Old 03-15-2014, 09:51 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Well, my first reaction to what you wrote is wondering why his wife needs "calming down" by only your bf when she has another husband and a metamour living with her. Is she prone to freaking out? If the furnace is shot today, it will still be shot tomorrow no matter what the loan verdict was, so I don't see why he couldn't have gone out with you.

Can't you voice your concerns to your bf? Like saying, "I just want you to know how much I was looking forward to a night out doing something different, and introducing you to my friend. I understand your wife was upset about the furnace and I know it's an important issue, but she has another husband and a metamour to comfort her, so I felt swept aside and unimportant when it was my time to be with you. I don't know how else you could have handled it, but I thought it important to let you know how it affected me."
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Old 03-15-2014, 09:53 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Yeah, either you are a priority and a part of the family or you aren't. Sounds like you aren't. I'd suggest finding someone who treats you better (and has a less needy wife; seriously, another husband and a live-in met amour?)
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  #6  
Old 03-15-2014, 10:18 PM
newpoli newpoli is offline
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Well and I'm sure he won't reschedule his time with her tomorrow to maybe spend some time with me. I plan on telling him how I feel. I am getting a little frustrated and am running out of understanding.

I know that they will be figuring out the finances together and I'm sure as the top earner in the household he'll be doing most of the contributing.

And it has been made very clear to me that I am not part of the family. And due to the fact that I would never ever want to live in that craziness I never will.

Like I said. Trying to figure out how to either be okay with this or let him go.
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Old 03-15-2014, 10:23 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Well, maybe instead of letting him go, you let go of your expectations.

Try to simply enjoy him for who he is and what he can give you, instead of focusing on what he can't give you and any unrealistic hopes you have for this relationship. It doesn't have to be either/or. It can be fun and lighthearted if you accept what is.

I forget - are you in any other relationships or are you mono?
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
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Old 03-15-2014, 10:29 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Quote:
figure out how they were going to pay for the new furnace
Sorry this is an important issue for a family.

I am sorry OP it does sound like you are getting the short end of the stick. Why can't you be included in the tribe/family thing they have going on?

While Butch and Murf are not close they do put each other first in an emergency.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #9  
Old 03-15-2014, 10:38 PM
newpoli newpoli is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Well, maybe instead of letting him go, you let go of your expectations.

Try to simply enjoy him for who he is and what he can give you, instead of focusing on what he can't give you and any unrealistic hopes you have for this relationship. It doesn't have to be either/or. It can be fun and lighthearted if you accept what is.

I forget - are you in any other relationships or are you mono?
I have tried very hard not to have expectations. He has told me that I can count on him, but I really haven't felt like I could lately.

I am not currently in any other relationships. I would be open to them, just haven't found one. I am new to poly and have been wanting to make sure that I was feeling secure in this one before actively seeking another partner. I was almost there and in the last few weeks I feel like things have fallen apart a bit.
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  #10  
Old 03-15-2014, 10:43 PM
newpoli newpoli is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Sorry this is an important issue for a family.

I am sorry OP it does sound like you are getting the short end of the stick. Why can't you be included in the tribe/family thing they have going on?

While Butch and Murf are not close they do put each other first in an emergency.
It is an important issue for the family. I understand that. It is just that there have been many such issues lately and no attempt to try to give me a little more time to make up for the time that I'm not getting. They are all understandable situations that are important (a cancelled lunch because stuff went wrong at work, a short date because of issues with his son and his wife feeling insecure) and I understand those things and don't expect to come before them, but this is the 4th thing in a week and a half.

I don't think that his wife would allow me to be involved in what they have going on. She is already afraid that I will somehow get myself legally married to him (they are not legally married since she already is legally married to someone else) before she can have a more permanent tie with him. Plus I could never live with his wife. She is my best friend, but living with her would drive me crazy.

I don't feel like I ever get put first.
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