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  #41  
Old 02-14-2014, 06:32 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I don't get how friends are any different than partners. It's not like they're dating your kid. No matter what the relationship to you, they're just "someone who comes over sometimes" I don't understand why you would have higher standards with respect to meeting your kids for partners over friends.

I also don't understand why you wouldn't want your kids to see what happy, healthy romantic relationships look like.

Or what if you date someone for like two years and then finally decide, OK this is someone I want to be with for the long term, it's time to introduce them to my kid... and then their personalities completely clash, not because your partner is a bad person or you didn't do a good enough job making sure they're stable and reliable... but just because not everyone gets along with everyone. So what then, you've invested all this time and energy and you're just going to say "see ya, my kid is #1 and my needs don't matter" or you're going to force your kid to get over it or you're going to keep seeing them out of the house, so that you never really have the kind of relationship you really want.

*shrug* I just don't believe in sheltering kids from reality. That's naive. That doesn't mean I believe in going out of your way to expose them to pain and suffering just to prove a point. That's sadistic. The middle ground is to just let life happen. It's going to anyway, why try to stop the inevitable?

Of course, at the end of the day, it's the choice of the individual parent and you have to do what's right for you and what is, to the best of your knowledge, best for your particular kid. Sometimes you'll get it wrong, hey you're only human right?
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  #42  
Old 02-14-2014, 06:34 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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LR... I'm curious... you've said in the past that, because your family always does everything together, that your new partners have to be comfortable coming over and participating in that lifestyle. At the same time, you're saying that you guys have to get to know people outside the house because of potential trauma. I'm having trouble understanding these seemingly mutually exclusive approaches.
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  #43  
Old 02-14-2014, 06:38 AM
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I cant stop friends and family dying or moving away. That's normal, unavoidable stuff. I can avoid my son hhaving to deal with that more than he has to by introducing him to temps as a trial run for later. A few .weeks isn't long enough to know how temp they are.

This is your kids. You get one shot at it. Surely your heart and genitals can wait.
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  #44  
Old 02-14-2014, 06:43 AM
london london is offline
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Quote:
I don't get how friends are any different than partners. It's not like they're dating your kid. No matter what the relationship to you, they're just "someone who comes over sometimes" I don't understand why you would have higher standards with respect to meeting your kids for partners over friends.
My friends are people Ive known longer than my son has been alive. Anyone I meet is subject to the same criteria. Female potential friend or male potential partner.
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  #45  
Old 02-14-2014, 06:50 AM
london london is offline
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Reality isn't parent having multiple relationships for most people. And yes, my son comes first every time. Regardless of what I want.
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  #46  
Old 02-14-2014, 11:10 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Schroeding-
We get to know people by inviting them to participate in larger group activities, or meet at the park. Activities where the kids can play but its not "intimate family atmosphere".
We also do all have the opportunity to go out alone to meet people, once a week.
But the key difference is that a person has to be comfortable with getting to know us in these "family friendly" group atmospheres or their time with us is severely limited.
And
We don extend invites for family times until we have established a friendship in the group setting.
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  #47  
Old 02-15-2014, 03:44 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Schroeding-
We get to know people by inviting them to participate in larger group activities, or meet at the park. Activities where the kids can play but its not "intimate family atmosphere".
We also do all have the opportunity to go out alone to meet people, once a week.
But the key difference is that a person has to be comfortable with getting to know us in these "family friendly" group atmospheres or their time with us is severely limited.
And
We don extend invites for family times until we have established a friendship in the group setting.
I think that's a great method, but, honestly, my partner doesn't have time for large group activities. Plus, it wouldn't be fair of him to ask me, or anyone else, to go to them. I have my own life, I'm busy, and I don't have time to hang out at his kids' birthday parties or high school friends' picnics where all the kids are running around in the park. I'd feel weird, anyway, being surrounded by a bunch of older, married couples. There are social events he and I attend, but not kid friendly.
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  #48  
Old 02-15-2014, 06:15 AM
london london is offline
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This isn't how I do things but it's certainly preferable to bringing your date over to hang out whilst you parent. It's better for the kids, just not ideal for the adults imo.

Last edited by london; 02-15-2014 at 08:01 AM.
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  #49  
Old 02-15-2014, 07:32 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
This isn't how I do things but it's certainly preferable to bring your date over to hang out whilst you parent. It's better for the kids, just not ideal for the adults imo.
Not ideal for the adult?
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  #50  
Old 02-15-2014, 07:54 AM
london london is offline
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No, the way LR handles things means that the new potential date has to hang out with their potential date who they don't know very well, plus several members of their family and friends. That's not something I'd want to do in the early days of dating someone. I like the early days to be impulsive and fun with lots of spontaneous sex. That's not going to happen during a family barbeque. Also, I wouldn't be comfortable with the potential date meeting my son at that time so I wouldn't want to meet his kid(s). Too soon to get kids involved.

My solution to this is for the adults to acknowledge that they've agreed to a poly relationship and manage their parenting and partner duties in a way that allows them to be poly and develop relationships with others. In order to do this in a way that permits the potential couple to have the best chance of bonding and having a stable and healthy attachment and protects any minors from being negatively affected by temporary and/or unstable relationships, it means supporting your co parents in having time away from the family to form adult relationships without guilt tripping them.

Some people decide to put poly on hold whilst they have a young and growing family. I completely understand that decision but that should go for everyone. If there isn't time or resources for everyone to have more than one relationship because of the family needs, nobody should have more than one relationship. It shouldn't be that one person gets to enjoy polyamory whilst the other(s) are restricted by parental and partner duties. Make realistic room for everyone to be poly, or nobody is.

Last edited by london; 02-15-2014 at 08:00 AM.
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