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  #31  
Old 02-13-2014, 03:28 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I can't imagine (as I've said elsewhere on the forum) not having an integrated social/family group. Friends are treated as family and they come and go regularly, even when we aren't home. So our children ARE very socialized.
However-strangers do not. People earn their right to be a part of our circle through interactions outside of our family dynamic. Kids may "see them around" but they don't see them HERE until they are already established as "friends of the family".
I can imagine it. I'm living both simultaneously Prefer the integrated model.
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  #32  
Old 02-13-2014, 07:07 AM
london london is offline
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I think there is an assumption that unless I bring dates around my son, we have no life. Our life is with existing friends and family.
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  #33  
Old 02-13-2014, 07:16 AM
london london is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Auto and I were just talking about this and she made a good point. In the case of kids who are very clingy, it's even more important to expose them to people coming and going. Sooner or later, they'll have their first relationship and if they're really clingy, they'll fall really hard and fast. This will likely scare the person off, and there's a strong chance the kid will take it as a personal rejection, internalizing it. That's far more detrimental than the pain of exposure early on.
Yes, if you have a clingy child, it is advisable to let everyone you date in their life so they become accustomed to loss. I mean, it's not like one has friends and family who die, move etc. Teach them with strangers!!


Bottom line is some parents are ok changing how they date for kid's sakes, others aren't.
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  #34  
Old 02-13-2014, 07:40 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
I think there is an assumption that unless I bring dates around my son, we have no life. Our life is with existing friends and family.
Assumption by...your kids?....your dates? Seems kind of weird that someone would think someone who is actively poly, in multiple serious relationships, kids, friends, and family, has "no life."
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  #35  
Old 02-13-2014, 07:52 AM
london london is offline
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It's this dichotomy people present: "you don't date around your son? Oh he must have attachment issues, be sheltered to his detriment and will never handle loss."
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  #36  
Old 02-14-2014, 12:26 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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I can't believe I'm saying this, as I'm a compulsive overthinker, but some people really overthink that. Children should not be tossed around, but they aren't delicate. Also, they really don't care that much about their parent's personal lives; so long as they feel safe and taken care of.
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  #37  
Old 02-14-2014, 12:44 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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I pretty much do the same as YouAreHere.
They meet my friends at mine or theirs or we meet out at the park and let the kids play while we chat or play tennis.Kids get to play tennis at the end if they want to. I would never force interactions, just let them do it in their own time and in their own way. They are not terribly interested in adults unless the adults want to do lego or puzzles or something with them.
They first met Prof at roller skating, they could interact, or not, as they wanted.
I wouldn't have strangers around my house. It takes ages for me to get friendly with people so anyone they meet through me I have known for a long period of time.
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  #38  
Old 02-14-2014, 12:50 AM
bofish bofish is offline
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Why wouldn't a child be around a parents friends, even new friends? (Except as LR pointed out, they have the tendency to get too attached). Since my son's birth, he has interacted with ALL our friends, gay, straight, married, not, transgender, etc. We have taken him to parities if it is allowed and so on.

When my husband started dating his girlfriend, we introduced her as a friend, and then when it became nessary to tell him we were "open" and she was daddies girlfriend, we did that... But my son is very flexible. He also isn't really prone to the "normal" stereotypes, for example that two straight people of opposite genders can't be friends. And he's never been raised in a "nuclear setting" our house has always been full of his (children) friends, neighbors, and visitors. We talk a lot about of friends and travel to visit them. I guess this all prepared him to understand polyamory easily... that said, I never bring dates around my son. In my experience most dates are only once...so that would be weird and creepy.But after a few months if I make a platonic friend (or lover) I begin talking about them, and eventually my son will meet them. We also live in New York, so we have to be automatically savvy about creeps and strangers and dealing with many different kinds of people (racially, ability etc) on any given day.

Last edited by bofish; 02-14-2014 at 12:54 AM.
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  #39  
Old 02-14-2014, 05:35 AM
london london is offline
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Maybe that's the difference. I know lots of people whose perceptions and behaviour around relationships have been directly tainted by watching their parents date and handle relationships. Parents are often oblivious to the effect.
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  #40  
Old 02-14-2014, 06:21 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
That's true Schroeding-but it needs to be in a healthy and productive way, not a traumatizing and increasing of clinginess way.
Also-not in a way that treats other people as disposable tools for helping train the child.
Oh absolutely. There are constructive and destructive ways to do anything.

For clarity, I'm not saying to deliberately make a point of bringing people around specifically so you can send them away and teach the kid a lesson. That would be weird. I'm saying, live life the way you would otherwise, and then when something happens that is a struggle for the child to cope with, help them through it and use it as a learning opportunity.

In other words, don't go out of your way to shelter someone who has trouble coping with normal parts of life. Sooner or later, you won't be around to shelter them, and the older the children get, the harder it is to rewire the brain to learn these challenging things.

The whole point of childhood, besides playing and having fun, is for learning the things you'll need to know as an adult. If you wait until you actually are an adult to try and learn these things, there's a strong chance you never actually will. If you do, it will likely require concentrated therapy and vast amounts of effort.

Coping with loss is like any skill. For some it comes naturally, for others it's a struggle. And like any skill, the younger you are, the easier it is to learn.

Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
Yes, if you have a clingy child, it is advisable to let everyone you date in their life so they become accustomed to loss. I mean, it's not like one has friends and family who die, move etc. Teach them with strangers!!
So... Make sure that every person that leaves their life is a longtime friend or family member? Don't even consider letting them walk before they run? That sounds traumatizing to me.

Not everything is black and white. Letting some new people into their lives, even if they won't stick around, isn't the same as turning your house into a revolving door. You can meet someone and get to know them for a few weeks and then bring them over. That doesn't mean every first date comes home to meet your kids.
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