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  #11  
Old 02-10-2014, 05:27 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
But what's so wrong with the kids being used to seeing friends of their parents come in and out? What's so wrong with kids seeing their dad bring over a female friend? I get that in a monogamous household, the wife would get super jealous. But the KIDS don't get jealous.
Auto and I have had a lot of talks about this, since she's got kids and they're quite fond of me and Cue (and Bookie).

Her stance is that people come and go. That's life. Sooner or later, you have to learn that relationships end, and it's not the end of the world. She views teaching this lesson as part of her role as parent. That doesn't mean she deliberately brings people in just to break their hearts or something. She just doesn't treat them like porcelain dolls.

It's not like this is a uniquely poly issue. Friends, teachers, co-workers, neighbours, even family... There are no guarantees that anyone will be there tomorrow. Just ask my mom, whose sister just died for no apparent reason, with no warning, was healthy and active, just died in her sleep one night.

To me, it all falls under the "You can't protect your kids from life" umbrella. If you teach kids how to deal with disappointment when they're young and resilient, they become more adept at handling it when it "really counts."

I'll also mention that early in our relationship, probably before I even met the kids, she made it epically clear that they had more than enough parents and that other partners will not have any kind of parental role. To the kids, we're friends. They know about our romances, but our relationship to the kids is no different than that of a family friend.
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Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 02-10-2014 at 05:54 AM.
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  #12  
Old 02-10-2014, 06:14 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
@Atlantis and JaneQ,

I feel very similarly to you.

As for the other concerns, I can understand not wanting to expose kids to harm. I guess it never occurred to me that I would bring someone into my house that I don't trust, never mind if there are kids present or not.
The thing is; I wouldn't bring someone in the house I don't trust, and thatis precisely why it isn't ok for my partners to bring new people in the house to meet our kids-the fact that THEIR libido is revving does not in any way mean I trust the person they are interested in.
In a poly dynamic like ours-three adults in the house all free to date others; they could *believe* someone is trustworthy because they WANT them to be as they are caught up in NRE. BUt that doesn't mean they ARE trustworthy.
And in fact at least 2 of the 4 women who Maca has been interested in proved themselves NOT trustworthy. One requiring legal action to deal with. :/

So while i hallen to be *generally* very outgoing and social; we learned that trusting his perception of women wasn't a good idea and we tightenedthe stricture of who is welcome to come here and when.

The guys have never had that issue with me; because i won't date someone who hasn't been a friend for at least a year anyway. By which point they have already established themselves as a friend in our GROUP.
But maca tends to prefer to have sex before deciding if dating is an option AND he tends to move faster-in the realm of meeting, a dinner date third date is play time. That is simply NOT enough time to guage someone's REAL self well enough to be bringing them home to the family.
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  #13  
Old 02-10-2014, 06:37 AM
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The thing is; I wouldn't bring someone in the house I don't trust, and thatis precisely why it isn't ok for my partners to bring new people in the house to meet our kids-the fact that THEIR libido is revving does not in any way mean I trust the person they are interested in.
In a poly dynamic like ours-three adults in the house all free to date others; they could *believe* someone is trustworthy because they WANT them to be as they are caught up in NRE. BUt that doesn't mean they ARE trustworthy.
And in fact at least 2 of the 4 women who Maca has been interested in proved themselves NOT trustworthy. One requiring legal action to deal with. :/

So while i hallen to be *generally* very outgoing and social; we learned that trusting his perception of women wasn't a good idea and we tightenedthe stricture of who is welcome to come here and when.

The guys have never had that issue with me; because i won't date someone who hasn't been a friend for at least a year anyway. By which point they have already established themselves as a friend in our GROUP.
But maca tends to prefer to have sex before deciding if dating is an option AND he tends to move faster-in the realm of meeting, a dinner date third date is play time. That is simply NOT enough time to guage someone's REAL self well enough to be bringing them home to the family.
Absolutely. This is why its important to have tdhe time to get to know new people away from your kids or you'll never find anyone suitable. So vital for poly parents.
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  #14  
Old 02-10-2014, 03:30 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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But....I DO trust my partners. I suppose I'm in a different spot...they aren't MY kids. So even if they brought a new partner around them that I didn't like, well, it's not my place to tell them who they can and can't have in their house. But I honestly trust that they won't bring "creeps" around the family. Is that naive of me?

Anyway.

Still, my original point was more about having friends over. I like that my partner's kids are totally comfortable with me coming over whenever, yet have no idea a romantic relationship exists.

How does one achieve that, except by the kids used to people coming and going? I'm really open to hearing other options; as I would like to be able to tell my partner about them. I myself am not able to come up with anything :-p and this is an issue, actually, for us.

Or am I paranoid that the kids "finding out" will be problematic for them? (At least for now, when they are too young to understand)?
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  #15  
Old 02-10-2014, 04:17 PM
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The thing is that as much as parents think they conceal things, they often leave their kids in a position where they know they are being lied to or excluded from the truth and consequently are reluctant to ask. My son knows my friends because we have a wide but close knit network so new people stick out.

My son has met my current partner as a friend. I worked hard to make sure I treated him like a friend. I wasn't sure it worked until he asked me when I will get a boyfriend and if im a lesbian now.
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  #16  
Old 02-11-2014, 12:13 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Yeah-that is a different spot.
Our friends do come over.

The difference is-that Maca makes friends MUCH SLOWER than I do, whereas he can find a fb in a few seconds flat.
It took years for him to bring coworkers around. My friends, most of them have been in my life for 20+ years. New acquaintances (from school or work etc) like I said, are invited to group social events. Those are in our home (we often do large group events). But they aren't as "personal". So the kids can get to know them, without feeling like this person is part of a personal family affair.

My bf lived with us the last 11 years. Maca's girlfriend was social with the kids too.

I trusted Maca-until two different women he "got the hots for" turned out to be bad apples. Then it was obvious to him, me and GG that when his libido is involved, extra precautions need to be considered-because what is "safe" for him to have as a sex partner, isn't necessarily safe for anyone else to be socializing with.

Additionally, we are out. So even if they don't know the person, they do know if we are going out on a romantic date and they do know when someone is MORE than a friend.
It's rather obvious when daddy is cuddling up with someone on the couch and they are kissing-that they aren't "Just friends" because daddy doesn't DO that with friends.
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  #17  
Old 02-11-2014, 01:48 AM
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I don't even bring new friends around my kids unless it is a large social affair.

Why because I do not know them and my children are precious and it is my job to keep the home life safe, secure, and stable.

Only people who are around my children at my home are Murf, my boss who its also my friend of 20 yrs, his long term girlfriend, and a handful of other long term friends. New people we socialize with outside the home. Everyone is on their best behavior until they truly know you.
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  #18  
Old 02-11-2014, 05:43 AM
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In the cases where children have been harmed, I'm confused... are people leaving their kids alone with their partners? I'm having trouble seeing how much damage someone can do to your kid when you're right there with them.

I would rather find out sooner than later if there are any questionable traits regarding my partners and their interactions with my kids. The closer you get to someone, the less like you are to see their shortcomings, and the more likely you are to forgive them or brush them off as flukes. Whereas when someone is new and you're still making up your mind, you'll notice every little thing. At least that's how it is for me...

If your kid tells you that someone hurt them after you just met them, you'd trust your kid and send the person packing. But if you've been with that person for two years and they've only ever shown you one side, then you're more likely to say "no, he's not like that" and just assume that your kid is feeling threatened. At least, those are the stories I've heard...

Put another way, "Stranger Danger" was one of the most harmful campaigns in regards to protecting children from abuse and molestation. The vast majority of abusers are close friends or family.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #19  
Old 02-11-2014, 06:15 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Put another way, "Stranger Danger" was one of the most harmful campaigns in regards to protecting children from abuse and molestation. The vast majority of abusers are close friends or family.
That is an unfortunate but true reality
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  #20  
Old 02-11-2014, 06:44 AM
london london is offline
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It isn't just about them being abusive. They might just be unsuitable. Or fleeting.
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