Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #31  
Old 02-14-2014, 04:29 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,507
Default

You need to find a poly friendly counselor. Not one who is anti-open marriage, not one who specializes in (sex) addiction.

When my ex and I first opened our marriage, we managed to find a counselor who specialized in alternative lifestyles. We were newly poly, I am bisexual, we were homeschooling our kids, one of whom is mentally ill. The counselor was fantastic. We did couples counseling for a year, I did individual counseling with her for 2 years and my ex did individual as well for a year. It didn't prevent us breaking up, but that was not the goal. The goal was better emotional health for both of us and a better chance at a happier life. Which I now have.

Going out to the bar with co-workers? Sure, unwind with your friends. Talking so intensely with 2 (strange) women they offer you sex? Not so good. Not now, not with your marriage swirling in the toilet.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 02-14-2014, 05:14 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,532
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by seakinganswers View Post
Update:
She of course told her in the first session that I had expressed a desire to have an open relationship. The response from the psychologist was the typical, "I've never seen that work!" And then she recommended a lady for our marriage counselor who specializes in addictions. lol

So now I have a bit if a quagmire on my hands??
At the first meeting? Maybe there's some new trend with counselors to see cheating, extra marital affairs or open relationships as an addiction or something. Our counselor tried to refer my husband to someone for sex addiction also. At that point my defenses went up, but after that one incident, we just focused on the stuff between us and all was good. I would say that it might be good to keep looking - maybe those that don't like to deal with alt lifestyles can't tell the difference between an addiction and just wanting something different.
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 02-14-2014, 09:36 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 636
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by seakinganswers View Post
Maybe I'm just incredibly handsome. lol

There are a lot of assumptions in that post. I go out with coworkers a couple of times a month to unwind. I think it's healthy to spend that time out just letting loose and having fun. It's actually been really good for our marriage. Our marriage is one giant counseling session. All we do is talk about what's wrong with it and how to fix it or what's wrong with our kids and how to fix them. I need an occasional night to unwind or its really unhealthy.

You talk about ethics. I have a very strong set of ethics. They may differ from yours, but one big one is I always try not to judge other people and make a bunch if assumptions about them from what little knowledge I have about them.
While I certainly understand the compulsion to identify and fix what is wrong in a relationship, if it is the only aspect discussed, it can just be a downward spiral. It is important to include in every discussion what is right with the relationship and what you enjoy or admire about the other person. I am sure there are things that brought you together, and keep you both talking.
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 02-15-2014, 12:09 AM
seakinganswers seakinganswers is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 68
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
While I certainly understand the compulsion to identify and fix what is wrong in a relationship, if it is the only aspect discussed, it can just be a downward spiral. It is important to include in every discussion what is right with the relationship and what you enjoy or admire about the other person. I am sure there are things that brought you together, and keep you both talking.
A lot more of it is how we are going to help our autistic son and where are we going to come up with the money for the next thing they suggest, and the next tuition payment, and so on. But relationship stuff too.

We got married far too young and both made a lot if relationship mistakes that we are just now recovering from. She can't let things go until they are resolved so we talk about them over and over again. When all I want to do is grab a bottle of wine, pour a couple of glasses and say, "We are fucking Jedi warriors for making it through everything we have so far."

I don't mean to always talk bad about her. She has good qualities too I promise!
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 02-15-2014, 12:17 AM
seakinganswers seakinganswers is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 68
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
At the first meeting? Maybe there's some new trend with counselors to see cheating, extra marital affairs or open relationships as an addiction or something. Our counselor tried to refer my husband to someone for sex addiction also. At that point my defenses went up, but after that one incident, we just focused on the stuff between us and all was good. I would say that it might be good to keep looking - maybe those that don't like to deal with alt lifestyles can't tell the difference between an addiction and just wanting something different.
I have looked everywhere. But I live in the south. Poly or alt friendly is just nowhere to be found. This place at least has lots of experience with families with special needs children.

But what do I tell my wife when an "expert" is telling her she has never seen it work? That I met some people on the Internet who say otherwise? lol
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 02-15-2014, 02:48 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 636
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by seakinganswers View Post
I have looked everywhere. But I live in the south. Poly or alt friendly is just nowhere to be found. This place at least has lots of experience with families with special needs children.

But what do I tell my wife when an "expert" is telling her she has never seen it work? That I met some people on the Internet who say otherwise? lol
I sympathize. I really do. I was part of a triad that was promoted by the wife - until her husband and I really fell for each other. Then she began screaming about how he had betrayed her. WTF? Anyway, the first marriage counselor they went to - someone with a PhD in psychology - basically stated that despite all of her encouragement, the husband had indeed betrayed her. Again WTF?

Anyway, they saw a second counselor who was more objective. That counselor objectively stated that they had both grown, but in different directions and ought to consider how to dissolve the marriage amicably. Needless to say that didn't stick with the wife. Their problems were all of his fault for having the wherewithal to have grown beyond the 28 year old she married.

While I think your poly ideas may be a bit uninformed due to a lack of experience, I see that you and your wife are, at this point, fundamentally different and your issues are excerbated by special needs child.

Btw, my couple is now divorcing. She blames me rather than acknowledging her own part, despite the fact that I was out of their life for a better part of a year before they separated. He and I had to tear everything down to rock bottom to start building us. It's since taken him almost a year to regain his sense of who he is, and some days it's still shaky. After three years since the beginning of our triad venture, we are just now seeing light at the end of a very long, dark tunnel.

Last edited by bookbug; 02-15-2014 at 02:59 AM. Reason: Further clarification
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 02-24-2014, 02:26 PM
seakinganswers seakinganswers is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 68
Default

Update - Had a rough weekend. I had plans over a month ago to go to a basketball game with friends and had already paid for tickets. Then my wife planned my sons Birthday party for the next morning. So I went out anyways and had planned to be home not much later than midnight so I'd have enough rest. We went to the game and went out to have a couple of drinks after. I wasn't really thinking because I am usually a very smart drinker and don't really like being drunk. I ordered three drinks but they had a deal to make it a double for free. Not sure why it didn't occur to me that this was like drinking 2 drinks for each. We were just having fun talking and I totally didn't think about it. I walked back to the car and realized I was in no position to drive. So I locked the doors and laid down to catch some sleep. When I woke up at 2am to my wife's text the whole car was spinning in circles and I puked 3 times before I could manage to text her back. I ended up getting a cab home which cost a fortune cause it was far away. By the time I finally got home it was 4am.

The next day I felt like I could puke at any moment all day long. Which meant my wife had to do almost everything to prepare and clean up after the party. I helped where I could but I felt like I was going to die. I don't think I'm going to drink again for at least a month. lol I have honestly never done this before in my life so its not like I have a history of doing this. It was honestly a mistake. One I paid for dearly. I apologized profusely.

Here is my question...

I have a legitimate fear that one day I'm going to really get sick like cancer or something and my wife will make me miserable. She had a tendency when I get sick to non stop make comments about how me being sick is messing up her day. And I sometimes get tired of her struggles to be graceful when I make mistakes. When she screws up I tell her everything is going to be ok and we make it work. When I mess up I get an earful about how much I've messed up her day. And it bothers me that if she had made the same mistake and I talked to her that way while she was about to puke all day, then she would have some serious words for me.

Am I way off base? Should I expect to be berated all day as punishment for my mistake and just shrug it off? I tried to be extra helpful the next day, and even let her sleep in, then took the kids to the park in the middle if the day so she could relax, but she was still in a bad mood and nothing I did was right.

By the end of the night my wife was going through all my text messages on my cell phone to make sure nobody was setting me. And started questioning jokes people sent me and why this girl at work was discussing personal stuff. Then she asked me why I deleted some texts, because she could tell that parts of a conversation were missing.

This is another question entirely. It's honestly because I know how my wife is. I know she is going to read every text and question everything and I have a girl I work with who tends to text things like XOXO occasionally. But she does that with anyone at work she texts. She also once told me on Facebook that she missed me while she put pictures of her having drinks on the beach. So my wife is convinced she is trying to steal me away.

I got fed up and told her to give my phone back, and I'm revoking her right to check my messages. I don't think it's fair that I have to live my whole life scared to death that one day somebody is going to text me something she will take the wrong way or god forbid someone sexts the wrong number or one of these stupid robot girls somehow starts spamming my cell phone. I don't want to be in a relationship like that.

We ended up arguing and she told me to just leave her multiple times because that's obviously what I want to do. In truth part of me does want to. I'm not sure she will ever change or things will ever be better unless I completely go back to being her bitch and give up on being myself. But we can't afford a divorce. We can't even pay for all of my sons therapies as it stands today. Plus the thought of only seeing my kids every other weekend makes me completely miserable. But I think the two of us have grown so far apart and we both have so much built up angst against each other that its hard to imagine we will ever give each other a fair shake.
Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old 02-24-2014, 02:32 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,854
Default

I don't know what to tell you about your wife's response to you being hung over.

YMMV, but I do offer this link for your counselor.

http://ego.thechicagoschool.edu/s/84...0Polyamory.pdf

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-24-2014 at 02:40 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #39  
Old 02-24-2014, 03:17 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 294
Default

What is your wife's typical day like? Who does she banter and vent to about day to day struggles? When and in what manner does she socialize, unwind, just in general get away from the house and kids? How many kids are we talking about here?
Reply With Quote
  #40  
Old 02-24-2014, 03:35 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Montgomery, AL
Posts: 288
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by seakinganswers View Post
I have looked everywhere. But I live in the south. Poly or alt friendly is just nowhere to be found. This place at least has lots of experience with families with special needs children.

But what do I tell my wife when an "expert" is telling her she has never seen it work? That I met some people on the Internet who say otherwise? lol
I live in Montgomery, Alabama and we have poly-friendly counselors here. You just have to expand your search area a bit. I know gas can be a cost issue. Do you have a Unitarian church in your area? They are usually non-denominational and very open to different ways of thinking.

Also, if you find a non-poly-friendly counselor and ask them, they might be able to point you in the right direction.
__________________
Me - male, 42, poly, straight, in a serious relationship with Audrey, also casually dating.

Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:37 PM.