Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 02-11-2014, 06:05 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,557
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by seakinganswers View Post
I think insurance would cover most of it once the deductible is met. We hit our whole deductible every year because we have an autistic child, so it may not cost that much.
Definitely get into counseling. Just having kids is enough to throw a monkey wrench into a marriage, but having the added stress of an autistic child is like hitting it with a 50 cal. You mentioned that your wife is controlling and nags a lot... she has an autistic child, she has to be in control 24/7 (or at least she feels like she has to be in control) to deal with the child. Ask yourself, "are we truly working as a team in this marriage or is her nagging, her way of begging for more help?" My husband thought he was doing me a favor, by just letting me handle things... yeah, no! I saw it as him escaping his responsibilities to the family. I'll bet there are a number of small everyday things that both of you can do that will improve things between you.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 02-11-2014, 08:28 PM
seakinganswers seakinganswers is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 68
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Definitely get into counseling. Just having kids is enough to throw a monkey wrench into a marriage, but having the added stress of an autistic child is like hitting it with a 50 cal. You mentioned that your wife is controlling and nags a lot... she has an autistic child, she has to be in control 24/7 (or at least she feels like she has to be in control) to deal with the child. Ask yourself, "are we truly working as a team in this marriage or is her nagging, her way of begging for more help?" My husband thought he was doing me a favor, by just letting me handle things... yeah, no! I saw it as him escaping his responsibilities to the family. I'll bet there are a number of small everyday things that both of you can do that will improve things between you.
I know that's part of it. Part of it is personality. She doesn't like to feel out of control of anything in her life. I don't like to have my entire life under control. It's not either of our faults. We just are the way we are. And you are right that an autistic child throws a huge kink into her desire to be in control. I think a big thing too is lack of trust. And I'm not just talking about the infidelity because it was creeping in way before that. And I'm not just talking about sex or other relationships. I was a business owner and it started to fail. She became VERY vocal about me shutting down the business and getting a "real" job and essentially alluded to the fact that I must not love my family if I wouldn't do this for them. In her mind, anyone with a brain could see that continuing to take this risk was selfish. In my mind continuing to take the risk so I could set us up for life was selfless and we were never going to see it the same way.

To save my marriage I quit that job and have a desk job now. But to this day I don't think it was right. In my opinion she can express her opinions all she wants but that business was my domain and it was my decision as to whether I kept it going or quit. I would never in a million years do that to her if she had chosen that route and had a dream. After that I started to see her as a dream killer and suddenly every time she said she was comfortable with me doing this or that I just built up a lot of resentment. Sometimes justified and sometimes not. To this day I'm still not convinced that she thinks I have my families best interest at heart in everything I do.

But no one us perfect. Certainly not myself. Ill be the first to admit I'm strange. Simply the fact that I would be poly if she let me is strange. Many girls would hear that and run for the hills. lol
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 02-12-2014, 12:34 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 88
Default

There used to be a great list of poly-friendly professionals, www.polychromatic.com, that appears to be down (I hope temporarily). I did find this:

http://openingup.net/open-list/

You can also look on the Psychology Today website and look at the qualifications and specialties of counselors in your area. While I have found that very few counselors there will list polyamory as a specialty, often people who counsel bi, trans, and kinky people will have at least some familiarity with polyamory.

Another option for you might be working with a sex therapist who could guide the two of you towards making your own marital sex life more diverse and satisfying. Try to find a counselor with an AASECT certification if you can. It's likely that someone with that certification will have some knowledge of polyamory as well.

I am wondering, do you really have room for/time for other relationships in your life if you have a full-time job and an autistic child? Are there other children as well?
__________________
Female, married just about forever to Scout. Lovers with E, who is married to C.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 02-12-2014, 01:36 PM
seakinganswers seakinganswers is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 68
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by scarletzinnia View Post
There used to be a great list of poly-friendly professionals, www.polychromatic.com, that appears to be down (I hope temporarily). I did find this:

http://openingup.net/open-list/

You can also look on the Psychology Today website and look at the qualifications and specialties of counselors in your area. While I have found that very few counselors there will list polyamory as a specialty, often people who counsel bi, trans, and kinky people will have at least some familiarity with polyamory.

Another option for you might be working with a sex therapist who could guide the two of you towards making your own marital sex life more diverse and satisfying. Try to find a counselor with an AASECT certification if you can. It's likely that someone with that certification will have some knowledge of polyamory as well.

I am wondering, do you really have room for/time for other relationships in your life if you have a full-time job and an autistic child? Are there other children as well?
Thanks I will look into that today. All good advice.

I wouldn't have time for a relationship that required a lot it time. Not to say I couldn't send her nice notes and texts throughout the day, but actual dates we go on would probably be limited to once a week or so. Certainly not another primary. I know a girl right now who I'm pretty sure would be interested. It's hard to say because I usually don't entertain when she says things like I'm a single mom, I don't have time for a relationship. I just want somebody with no real attachment to come over occasionally and spend time with me.

The other day I turned down a threesome with a couple of really sexy girls with great personalities. But I'm committed to my marriage so I don't ever follow through with any of it.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 02-12-2014, 01:42 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 88
Default

The other day I turned down a threesome with a couple of really sexy girls with great personalities. But I'm committed to my marriage so I don't ever follow through with any of it.

I am wondering, just how did you get to the point where you were offered this sexual situation?

Generally, people who are living as monogamous don't get these offers unless they are encouraging the people who make the offer.

You clearly have trust issues in your marriage. They are not going to go away if you are flirting with other women to the point where they are offering you threesomes.
__________________
Female, married just about forever to Scout. Lovers with E, who is married to C.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 02-12-2014, 02:16 PM
seakinganswers seakinganswers is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 68
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by scarletzinnia View Post
The other day I turned down a threesome with a couple of really sexy girls with great personalities. But I'm committed to my marriage so I don't ever follow through with any of it.

I am wondering, just how did you get to the point where you were offered this sexual situation?

Generally, people who are living as monogamous don't get these offers unless they are encouraging the people who make the offer.

You clearly have trust issues in your marriage. They are not going to go away if you are flirting with other women to the point where they are offering you threesomes.
Alcohol does things to women. lol

Also, some women like the challenge of a married man. And then when you tell them no, they think you're just playing hard to get. I'm honestly not a big flirter. Even if we were poly I would struggle with it. For two reasons.

1. I've been dating and or married to my wife since 10th grade. I honestly have no idea how to flirt

2. My dad was a huge flirt, even to the point that he would flirt with some of my friends and make them feel extremely uncomfortable. Up until a couple of years ago when we would say hello or goodbye to other couples I would give the guy a hug and then shake the girls hand because it made me feel uncomfortable giving her a hug. I always have this fear in the back of my head that they are going to take it the wrong way and I would make them feel uncomfortable the way my dad used to.

I was simply having great conversation with them at a bar. Maybe since I was the first guy not to try to pick them up at the bar with some cheesy pickup line and just had a nice conversation with them, they actually found me attractive?
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 02-13-2014, 02:16 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,594
Default

Ack. IMO, you'd be better off spending your free time in couples counseling than chatting up tipsy horny women in bars and coming here reporting on that. Good grief. I see you think your wife is a control freak, so you're going out alone cruising as a FU... never mind you're not using "cheesy" pickup lines, you must've given those 2 hot to trot women some kind of sexual signals.

Time to grow up and get things straightened out ethically.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 02-14-2014, 06:09 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by seakinganswers View Post
After that I started to see her as a dream killer and suddenly every time she said she was comfortable with me doing this or that I just built up a lot of resentment. To this day I'm still not convinced that she thinks I have my families best interest at heart in everything I do.
There's a lot to be said for following your dreams. Sure, a desk job can bring home a steady paycheque and a sense of security for the missus, but if you're miserable at work, then you're going to be miserable in life. In my experience, people who are miserable make terrible companions.

Ack. Control issues mom + autistism? Poor kid. Autism spectrum kids need freedom to be themselves and explore life on their own terms. Pattern and routine? Absolutely. But control? Good luck, lady!
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 02-14-2014, 03:04 PM
seakinganswers seakinganswers is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 68
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Ack. IMO, you'd be better off spending your free time in couples counseling than chatting up tipsy horny women in bars and coming here reporting on that. Good grief. I see you think your wife is a control freak, so you're going out alone cruising as a FU... never mind you're not using "cheesy" pickup lines, you must've given those 2 hot to trot women some kind of sexual signals.

Time to grow up and get things straightened out ethically.
Maybe I'm just incredibly handsome. lol

There are a lot of assumptions in that post. I go out with coworkers a couple of times a month to unwind. I think it's healthy to spend that time out just letting loose and having fun. It's actually been really good for our marriage. Our marriage is one giant counseling session. All we do is talk about what's wrong with it and how to fix it or what's wrong with our kids and how to fix them. I need an occasional night to unwind or its really unhealthy.

You talk about ethics. I have a very strong set of ethics. They may differ from yours, but one big one is I always try not to judge other people and make a bunch if assumptions about them from what little knowledge I have about them.
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 02-14-2014, 03:09 PM
seakinganswers seakinganswers is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 68
Default

Update:

So I got my wife to go see a counselor again. She is going to see her first for a couple of weeks and then we will start marriage counseling. She is not a Christian counselor. But I already have one concern. She of course told her in the first session that I had expressed a desire to have an open relationship. The response from the psychologist was the typical, "I've never seen that work!" And then she recommended a lady for our marriage counselor who specializes in addictions. lol

So now I have a bit if a quagmire on my hands??
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:23 PM.