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Old 02-08-2014, 11:53 AM
Octopus Octopus is offline
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Default Tell crush even though now is not the time?

A couple of weeks ago I met Joel. We found we clicked really well, told each other lots of personal information and stories, stayed up late nights chatting over the internet or in person. Our interactions were friendly and platonic.

Lately I have found myself more sexually attracted to him. He's queer and kinky, I'd like to explore more in kink, and sharing so many conversations has created some emotional intimacy between us so I trust him well.

Still, right now for me is not the time I should be starting a new (sexual) relationship. I am still processing a breakup with another partner a few weeks ago.

Also, Joel has some mental health problems and is not dealing with them the way I would expect a potential partner - even a casual fwb type - to. (e.g. skipping counseling appointments, consuming drugs, ...)
I first read the phrase on here I think - "don't fuck fragile" and I tend to stick to that.

So my question: should I disclose my crush / attraction to him, even though I don't intend to act on it (for now)?

It feels dishonest to spend time sharing personal information and building a (friendship type) relationship when at the back of my head I am also desiring and wanting him sexually.

On the other hand, if I do say something and he asks why I'm holding back I fear that me mentioning the main reason (him not being responsible for his health currently), I am afraid that might come across as patronising / or me intruding in what is really his own business, ie. how he deals with his health.

How do I best deal with this?

-Octopus
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  #2  
Old 02-08-2014, 01:32 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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What benefit would exposing the crush have? In my mind, all that does is prepare the way for acting on it. Since you've decided, wisely, not to fuck fragile, it seems like a back door way to get him to initiate things.

It won't kill you not to act on it or tell them.
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  #3  
Old 02-08-2014, 03:49 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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What good would it do?

There are many times in a person's life when we feel attractions to others yet it would be inappropriate to let them know. You simply enjoy the excitement of being around them, and eventually the crush fades away. Just because one is a polyamorist does not mean we now have to blurt out every attraction we feel. Certain life situations still require discipline.
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Old 02-08-2014, 08:07 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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From the tone of your post, it doesn't really sound like you want to tell him about your crush, but you feel ethically compelled out of some sense of honesty.

It's not intruding on his autonomy to refrain from dating him because you don't agree with his choices in dealing with his mental health. You're under no contractual obligation to date someone regardless of how they behave, and failing to get help for mental health issues is a behavioural choice.

On the contrary, it seems to me that saying something like "I have a crush on you, but I'm not going to date you because you won't get help for your mental health issues" is more intrusive and manipulative than simply keeping quiet.

Honesty is not about telling everybody everything. You're entitled to your privacy, and that's all this is. Having a crush on him is your private thought. It's up to you whether to share your private thoughts with another person.

There are definitely some behaviours that I will tolerate in a friend that I will not tolerate in a partner. Ignoring mental health issues is one of them. It's hard enough being in a relationship with someone who has a mental health issue and is actively taking care of it. I can't control whether another person gets help for their problems, but I can control the level of involvement I have with people who don't get that help.

There's also the whole rejection aspect. Telling him you like him but that you won't date him is a rejection. By not telling him, you spare him the hurt that comes with being told there's something wrong with him -- something so wrong, in fact, that you won't date him even though you like him. He can't help having a mental health issue, and where he is in life, he may not be ready to get help at this time, and he can't help that either. It's easy to sit on a mountain and say "If I had a mental health issue, I would get help" (or even if you do have one and you did get help). But everyone is different and what you would do may not be possible for him at this time.

Bottom line, what outcome do you want, and what behaviour is most likely to achieve that outcome? You've stated that the outcome you want is close friends without romantic or sexual relations. I don't see how telling him you have a crush on him helps achieve that outcome.
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