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  #11  
Old 02-08-2014, 06:56 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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You know it is not your job to fix their marriage or make them better parents. You only have a responsibility to yourself and your child, put him first in all this, he needs stability, give yourself some options, you are not at the whim of this couple.
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  #12  
Old 02-08-2014, 07:03 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm having a challenging time giving you feedback because you do not clearly list the "mistake" you think you made. You also do not clearly state the result you hope for.

Could you be willing to clarify what the mistake you think you made even is?

I made a mistake when I _______?
I don't know if my impressions help or not... and I could be wrong. But how it looks right now?

Quote:
I love them and their kids dearly.
Ok. You know your own self.



They love me and my son dearly.
  • When they fight they push me away. (How is pushing you away loving behavior?)
  • When they both ignore me.... I just wish things could get better for us. (How is ignoring you loving behavior?)

I think you guys could learn to do better conflict resolution and learn to "fight fair." Because pushing you away/ignoring you isn't esp kind when they are the only people you know here. You moved a great distance away from your previous community of friends and family.

If ALL of you are not willing to fix this way of going, you could consider leaving again. Your willingness alone won't carry a 3 people thing. Your 100% effort is only 1/3 of what a 3 people thing needs to run well.
  • Could not put son through watching Mom be a doormat or burn herself out trying to make a thing that won't run, run.
  • Could not put son through watching this and learning that "push people away/ignore them" is the way to treat his own partner(s) in future or that is ok for HIM to be treated like this by partner(s)
  • Watching Mom LEAVE an unhealthy thing could be a better lesson for son to observe. Even if it is a drag to move again.

You don't have to go to Michigan, or if you do, you don't have to live in the same town as your STBX. Or you could live in the same town and not in his neighborhood.

"Build a better life for me and son" can happen anywhere.

It isn't like "Building a better life for me and son can only happen in this relationship where I get pushed away/ignored."

I wish things were better for you -- but I hope you can solve this so you can be healthier one way or another.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-08-2014 at 07:08 PM.
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  #13  
Old 02-08-2014, 09:15 PM
Kimk010514 Kimk010514 is offline
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The mistake i think I made was getting in this relationship with this married couple. I would love for this relationship to work out. But I guess tonight we all are going to sit down and talk but I don't know how well that is going to work.... I'm very new at the whole polyamory relationship and how to deal with 2 people other then mine it's hard and some what stressful but I think I love poly relations
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  #14  
Old 02-08-2014, 10:00 PM
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Emm Emm is offline
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When you sit down with them be specific about what you need. Don't let them walk all over you, and for gods sake forget that "just the girlfriend" crap. Yes, they're married, but you're a human being with your own needs and desires and deserve to be treated as such.
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  #15  
Old 02-08-2014, 10:07 PM
Kimk010514 Kimk010514 is offline
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How can I sit there and tell my. Gf how I feel without her getting upset or mad about what I want to say and how can she sit down and tell me how she feels without me. Getting upset or mad and same goes for her husband ... I'm very knew at the whole poly situation and If I understand correctly there shouldn't be any jealous in a poly relationship
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  #16  
Old 02-08-2014, 10:16 PM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Wrong. That may be the ideal situation, but it's not compulsory or automatic.
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  #17  
Old 02-08-2014, 10:30 PM
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Emm Emm is offline
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As for how to communicate, use "I" statements and talk about the specifics of what you do want rather than making vague statements about what you don't want.

Don't say "When you do x you make me feel y". Instead say "I felt y when x happened". The first blames them for making you feel something, the second just tells them how you feel about it but doesn't blame them for it. It's a fine distinction, but it can stop them becoming defensive and shutting down.

Ask for what you need and/or want and make sure they do the same. You all need to remember, though, that asking for something doesn't oblige the other person to agree. That goes as much for them asking things of you as it does for you asking things of them. If your wants are fundamentally incompatible then you need to decide for yourself if the positives outweigh the negatives and what you're going to do about it. Being "just the girlfriend" doesn't mean you have to be a doormat.
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  #18  
Old 02-09-2014, 02:16 AM
Kimk010514 Kimk010514 is offline
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I know that I shouldn't be a doormat... Please give me advice about polyamory?????? I. Would appreciate it a lot if u would I'm going to thank you in advance
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  #19  
Old 02-09-2014, 02:21 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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See, this is a perfect example of needing to be specific about what you want. "Advice about polyamory" covers a hell of a lot of ground and I could point you in the direction of dozens of books and hundreds of threads containing advice about polyamory without giving you anything relevant to your actual problem.

What, exactly, is it you want advice about?
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  #20  
Old 02-09-2014, 02:35 AM
Kimk010514 Kimk010514 is offline
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Anything and everything u would like to tell me
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