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  #11  
Old 02-08-2014, 07:48 PM
XCountrygirl XCountrygirl is offline
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First time responding to a post on here, as I am new to this as well, but definitely not new to the relationship "game". Listen to the others on here. Your BF may be truly poly, but he's definitely not treating you with respect. The one thing I've come to realize is that the incredible beauty of being truly poly is that you have to communicate - frequently, thoroughly, and with love and open-minded ness. My BF is not new to this as his wife has been open and dating for a while, but I am his first GF and I am learning so much about how this should be done. My husband is not poly and it's been extremely difficult for him to make the transition from monogamous to me being poly amorous, but I am so, so careful to treat him with respect, love, and not force anything on him that he's not ready for.

Your BF is not giving you the same consideration, and you deserve it. It seems like he's forcing the idea of taking on another girlfriend on you, and adopting a "like it or leave it" attitude. Meanwhile, he's enjoying your hospitality and your paycheck. He's got it all! Why should he leave what is, to him, an ideal situation?

Honey, it doesn't matter if he's poly or mono - he's disrespecting you and hurting you. Turning the tables and blaming it on you (calling you "territorial", for example, when you object to him dating a roommate!) is a manipulation tactic. It is not your fault that you do not want to share him. It is his fault for forcing the idea on you and then making you feel guilty for not agreeing to it. You should probably take a break from this, remove yourself from this situation to get a clear head, and then ask yourself if this is how you wish to be treated by someone you love.

Btw, just because someone dates multiple people does not make him poly amorous. Being poly is the capacity to love more than one, not just want to date or f*** more than one. Is he truly poly? Or does he "want his Kate and Edith,too"? Either way, it sounds as if he's found a way to manipulate you into getting what he wants, and your needs are not being met. People who truly love each other treat each other with respect. Good luck!
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  #12  
Old 02-08-2014, 08:00 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Memorandum View Post
Polygamous. "That word. I do not think it means, what you think it means."
I couldn't even finish reading it after I realized you aren't using the correct word.
Seriously?

Good Grief......
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  #13  
Old 02-08-2014, 08:28 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SnowCrystal View Post
We were in a monogamous relationship. However he "broke up" with me due to the fact that I had some trust issues due to the fact he moved here (it was originally a long distance monogamous relationship) and it was taking him months to get a job. I started doubting he was even looking, and I went and checked my PC's browser history to see if he was looking. He got torn by this and dumped me.
And, what did you find? Was there any evidence that he's looking for a job?

Quote:
I however am straight monogamous. I am fiercly loyal to whoever I am with, and I do not want anyone else mating with my lover / having sex with him or being with him romantically other than myself.
This is your answer. You don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is not monogamous. He is not monogamous. End of story.

Quote:
I debated about just giving him up to her completely. However, apparently this is not "good enough" for him. He cannot accept being with just one of us as "we are both a part of him" and without both of us and not just one of us, he is only "half of himself. He also cannot accept "just being friends with me," and I feel stuck in a predicament that is basically doomed to fail.
So you tell him "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." His desire is not your obligation. He can want what he wants. He can feel sad if he doesn't get it. But none of that makes it your responsibility to give him what he wants and cure his depression. That's on him.

Quote:
Honestly though I do not know where else to vent and just let out how I feel... if I try bringing it up at home to him I am told to stop being so territorial, or to accept that he loves both me and her.
More manipulation tactics. Expressing your feelings and needs is not being "territorial." It's communication -- the cornerstone of any healthy relationship.

Quote:
I was also asked to not bring it up until after we all "moved in together" but it is just not fair.
"Tut tut. Don't express yourself until it's too late to do anything about it, until you're in over your head and you're trapped and held captive. Then, if you try to do something about it, we'll tell you that you're being territorial and that you're hurting our feelings. Boo hoo. We're so helpless and sad and pathetic, you have to take care of us and forego your needs and wants just so we can live out this little fantasy of ours."

Yeah. Fuck that shit.

Quote:
They are the only friends I really have right now, and I cannot move out of where I am at - I have nowhere to go.
Better to have no friends than to continue investing time and energy into two vampires who are sucking the life out of you. You can make new friends. Every moment you waste on these parasites is a moment you're not out there, finding people who will love and support you. These are not friends. They are wolves in sheep's clothing.
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  #14  
Old 02-10-2014, 05:01 PM
SnowCrystal SnowCrystal is offline
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Hey everyone, an update!

First of all thank you for the replies. However this went in the complete OPPOSITE direction of where I wanted it to.

I think because of the way I wrote and worded my topic, people started assuming my SO/lover/boyfriend is a bad individual who is mooching off of me.

This is NOT what I wanted, at all. I was in no way trying to get this message across.

If anything he typically puts others before himself. He also is certainly NOT mooching me for my money. When I said I spent 22k since he has been here, it was just me venting over how much I have lost since he has been here. I am not regretful for it. He already spent a ton of money and sold a lot of his valuables to come here, so that makes up for it in more ways than one. Having him here was always just enough for me. I did not like spending that much money, but I was ok with it as long as he loved me and was here.

Also, you guys also seem to get the misrepresentation that he just wants his cake and pie too, when this is also not the case. He loves both me and her equally, and yes he is poly. When reading similar stories on here on people that are poly, he certainly fits the bill: he is a person that has the capability to love multiple people. I am sure if he could he would want more than just me and her, but for him me and her is enough.

I am the one with the problem - I am mono at heart and mind, and I cannot change that part of me. I have tried accepting it. Thinking about it, even going as far as to join this forum for advice. But I did not want a bash fest on him or myself. I think the way I worded my initial topic had everyone confused that he was this bad person. Which I guess since the way I vented, it came across that way - and that is my fault. For this I apologize.

He is a great man. Stubborn at times but a great person. He does not want to hurt me, or her, but he also did not want to choose between me and her. He asked me to keep quiet about it because he felt it was something all 3 of us needed to discuss. It has just been hard holding it all in, which is why it resulted in the rant on here.

Also, yes he has been looking for jobs. It was my FEARS that made me doubt he wasn't. He was using his personal laptop to find jobs. Now he uses mine since his laptop is pretty much FUBAR'd. There were days he went out to walk around and look for jobs even if it was hot as heck or cold outside, and he would try to find a job to no avail. He also does not have a car to get around. He sold that awhile ago to help pay off bills him and his best friend had.

The whole reason I posted this is I wanted advice - from perhaps other people who were in mono and poly relationships. He is a good person. I just constantly felt the guilt of me being the mono in the relationship and him being poly. The other girl is mono for the most part, but she was willing to accept a poly relationship because she knows me (we are good friends). She would not have been okay with it otherwise.

However, I WAS finally able to talk to both him and her about it, where I just vented everything of how I felt and spoke with them, and they also vented to me their fears, feelings about the situation, etc. In the end he decided he just wants to be with me. Though I am still not certain if I am happy with his decision. :I I can see the hurt in his eyes that he still wishes he could have her in his life as more than just a friend, and this kills me inside. I do not want him restricting himself to keep me around because he loves me so much and doesn't want to lose me.

I should be happy, right...? But in the end it is just killing me inside, because now I feel the guilt because he felt he had to make a decision. I hate it.... D: I sometimes wish I could just be poly so I could accept it. I am just a different type of person - if I am dating someone, I want them to myself and myself only. And if I start to fall in love with someone else, usually I fall OUT of love with the person I am dating at the time. It is just how I am and am wired, I guess... and sometimes I wish I could be wired differently so I can make all of them happy. But it also kills me inside if he would be with me and her, it would be eating away at me.

While yes, he did chose me, I still feel like he only did it because he wanted to keep me around and not lose me. He wants to make all of us happy but sacrifices someone else he loves to appeal to that, as well as not being able to be with both people he loves. D:
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  #15  
Old 02-11-2014, 12:44 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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There are two aspects of mono and poly that interplay in relationships.
  1. How many people am I capable of loving at a time (one or multiple)?
  2. How many people am I comfortable sharing my partner with (none or multiple?)
The first relates to whether or not a person is mono or poly. The second relates to whether the person prefers to date people who are mono or poly.

In your case, you're mono and you prefer to date mono. Your boyfriend is poly. That's an incompatibility.

Quote:
In the end he decided he just wants to be with me. Though I am still not certain if I am happy with his decision. :I I can see the hurt in his eyes that he still wishes he could have her in his life as more than just a friend, and this kills me inside. I do not want him restricting himself to keep me around because he loves me so much and doesn't want to lose me.
Reading between the lines, it sounds like you gave him an ultimatum and he chose you. I'm getting that from the "doesn't want to lose me" bit.

Your boyfriend can't change who he is inside. His desire to date other people will never go away, even if right now he's decided not to date that one particular girl. By allowing this arrangement to continue, you're merely delaying the inevitable. This issue will come up again, be it in a month, a year, 5, 10, 20 years. Personally, I'm not a fan of burying problems under the rug and pretending everything is hunky-dorey. That's a recipe for capital-D Disaster.
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  #16  
Old 02-11-2014, 02:07 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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You guys broke up. But continued as roomies who share sex. You wanted to end that too.

Now he wants to be with just you and get back together. You do not like it or want it. This still does not solve you just really wanting to be single.

So... What would you like at this point in time?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-11-2014 at 02:12 AM.
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