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  #1  
Old 02-11-2014, 01:46 PM
illflyaway illflyaway is offline
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Default I Want to Date but Don't Want My Husband to Date

A woman pressed charges against my husband for sexual assault, but she quickly dropped the charges. I wasn't dating anyone else at the time, and I insisted that he not sleep with anyone else without going through therapy or I'd leave. He refuses to go to therapy. I still feel committed to my husband and want to make things work, but I'm really unhappy in the marriage.

I recently fell in love with a woman, and I know she has feelings towards me. We haven't acted on them. I know some people make poly-mono relationships work, but I worry it will destroy a relationship since I'll leave if he also sees other people (unless he decides to go through therapy and the therapist approves). I feel like I can't give permission: What if he assaults another woman? I'd feel responsible. I feel a lot of guilt about the first one. I knew from my own experiences that he had problems with consent, and in retrospect, I could see it coming.

On the other hand, living in a monogamous marriage with him kind of feels like a prison sentence.

How do I make this work?
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Old 02-11-2014, 03:36 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm sorry you struggle.
Quote:
I still feel committed to my husband and want to make things work, but I'm really unhappy in the marriage.
Quote:
living in a monogamous marriage with him kind of feels like a prison sentence. How do I make this work?
Here's all the "could do's" that I see from my POV. I don't know if it helps you.

Could accept it takes 2 people putting in effort to maintain a healthy marriage relationship. He's checked out. You cannot power a 2 people thing with 1 people power.

Could stop focusing on him and his stuff. Could focus more on you and your stuff and what you need to be happy. Right now that sounds like being free of him and free of this marriage to him. Could begin the process of detachment.

If your marriage experience is a prison? You could call it "enough time served" and leave the prison. I can guess you feel disappointment and will mourn the loss of your marriage... but you are past your limit of tolerance if it is already prison for you here. You don't need to "shrink" you to fit a poor relationship shape. You can let the shape GO.

It is ok to be done here NOW and it is ok to walk away NOW. You don't need to explain it to anyone either. You do not need to stay in a marriage prison from fear, obligation or guilt. You are free to go. YOU are the one who gives you permission to leave.

If you are unhappy in a marriage because you are currently choosing to stay with someone who will not seek therapy and has severe boundary issues? Could update your choice. Could choose to NOT stay so you can be free of this unhappiness. Could not stay in a marraige with someone with severe boundary issues. It is not your job to "fix" him. That is his job.

Could recognize faulty thinking behavior in yourself. When you "feel you are responsible for him?" You could answer BACK. Maybe something like:
1)"Responsible for him" is not a feeling word. I THINK I am responsible for him. What I feel might be "guilt." That is a feeling word.

2) Thinking I am responsible for him is faulty thinking.
  • I am me.
  • I am not him.
  • I cannot control his behavior. He controls what he does/does not do.
  • I am not responsible for things outside my control. His behavior is not is within my control. I am NOT responsible for his behavior. I might feel yucky observing his behavior, but I am not responsible for his behavior.
  • I can only control my behavior. I control my "staying" behavior or my "not staying" behavior. At this time, I choose to _______? (Hopefully NOT STAY!)
You are not your thoughts or your feelings. You are the person DOING the thinking and EXPERIENCING the feelings.

To help move it forward?

Could call it limit reached. Accept you are longer willing to be in prison marriage.

Could accept all the next choices are hard... so be it. Then pick WHICH hard you will do so you can move it forward toward your future happiness and not keep it stuck in the unhappy.

Could say "I am leaving!" and then remove yourself physically. Sometimes that has to happen FIRST before you are ABLE to let go emotionally and mentally.

Again...Could focus on what you need to be happy. And right now that sounds like being free of him and free of this marriage.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-11-2014 at 07:16 PM.
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  #3  
Old 02-11-2014, 03:42 PM
london london is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by illflyaway View Post
A woman pressed charges against my husband for sexual assault, but she quickly dropped the charges. I wasn't dating anyone else at the time, and I insisted that he not sleep with anyone else without going through therapy or I'd leave. He refuses to go to therapy. I still feel committed to my husband and want to make things work, but I'm really unhappy in the marriage.

I recently fell in love with a woman, and I know she has feelings towards me. We haven't acted on them. I know some people make poly-mono relationships work, but I worry it will destroy a relationship since I'll leave if he also sees other people (unless he decides to go through therapy and the therapist approves). I feel like I can't give permission: What if he assaults another woman? I'd feel responsible. I feel a lot of guilt about the first one. I knew from my own experiences that he had problems with consent, and in retrospect, I could see it coming.

On the other hand, living in a monogamous marriage with him kind of feels like a prison sentence.

How do I make this work?
So you believe your husband is a sexual predator and your solution for him refusing rehab is to not consent to polyamory? Sexual predators aren't known for respecting boundaries, for one, and two, shouldn't you sort of feel that you deserve better than a sex attacker and end the relationship?
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Old 02-11-2014, 05:37 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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I agree with London, what are you doing with a sex predator?

Regardless, okay, you don't want to leave. Using polyamory as a sort of negotiating tool is a really poor decision. This is about other people. Treat them with a little more respect than to be used as a pawn in fixing your marriage.
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  #5  
Old 02-11-2014, 06:16 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by illflyaway View Post
I still feel committed to my husband and want to make things work
Quote:
Originally Posted by illflyaway View Post
. . . I'm really unhappy in the marriage . . . living in a monogamous marriage with him kind of feels like a prison sentence.
These two statements are rather incongruous with each other. If you are so unhappy and feel like his prisoner, what is the reason you still feel committed to him? There is nothing noble or upstanding in keeping a commitment for the commitment's sake. The commitment to a marriage or to stand by another person requires both people to be equally invested in it. It doesn't sound like he is, so why are you?

Now, being committed to your own satisfaction, happiness, and fulfillment is a much better and more productive commitment to make. That is an inside job and can happen independent of who else is in your life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by illflyaway View Post
How do I make this work?
I don't think it can (it couldn't for me), but... what is the "this" you want to work? Be specific about what you want and need to feel happy and fulfilled. This relationship with your husband may have run its course and maybe now you need to look at the commitment you made and see that it is not going to produce the results you want - especially if your partner is absent in his commitment to making it work as well.

If you tell a partner what you need in order to feel that he is stepping up as a partner to you, and he refuses to do it, the message he is sending is clear - he is unwilling to be a true partner to you. Now, if he comes back and renegotiates, saying he can't give him what you want but will do this-and-that instead, at least he is saying he still want s to be a partner but feels what you ask is unreasonable. If you can negotiate in good faith, and he holds up his agreement, whatever it is, maybe there is hope.

HOWEVER (and this is a big, glaring however)...
Do you believe he assaulted this woman or was it a false allegation? If you think he did assault her and might possibly assault another woman, why the hell would you want to still be with someone capable of that? Why try and make it work with someone so angry, damaged, and in need of exerting his power over women, that he would do such a thing to someone against her will? Do you think it's sane and rational thinking, to stick by someone like that, especially when you are so unhappy? He is not your last hope for happiness, believe me!
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/
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  #6  
Old 02-11-2014, 10:47 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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I have to say, the whole marriage in trouble add more people is always a red flag around these parts. For my own part, I say you need to make a decision on your marriage. There are things people will just not put up with. For some people one cheating, one instance of physical abuse, one instance of sexual abuse and it's done. Over. For others, there's a chance to make it work. IF they both want to.

Something like that should have been a wake up call for your husband. I understand loving him and wanting to make it work, however if you want him to go to therapy, alone or together or both, and he won't. Then he has given you his answer. He doesn't want to work on the marriage. He doesn't want to 'make it work'. He wants it to go away and not deal with it. So forget the poly question, what you should be doing is wondering if the marriage question is valid.

I would tell him straight out, "Honey I love you, I want to make this marriage work and am willing to put in the work to do that. I need you to do the same. That means, I think we should see a therapist."
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