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Old 02-07-2014, 10:50 PM
SnowCrystal SnowCrystal is offline
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Default Please help - I need advice - I am mono, he is poly

Hey guys. I do not know where else to post this. I came across these forums when I was just googling stuff on monogamous+polygamous relationships just seeking advice and help. I am hoping I came to the right place where I can truly get unbiased opinions.

First of all I guess I should get to the point. I am "dating" someone who is poly. He has had strict monogamous relationships in the past but he has also had relationships in the past where he was poly.

We were in a monogamous relationship. However he "broke up" with me due to the fact that I had some trust issues due to the fact he moved here (it was originally a long distance monogamous relationship) and it was taking him months to get a job. I started doubting he was even looking, and I went and checked my PC's browser history to see if he was looking. He got torn by this and dumped me. But anyways onto the matter at hand...

I however am straight monogamous. I am fiercly loyal to whoever I am with, and I do not want anyone else mating with my lover / having sex with him or being with him romantically other than myself.

However, since we "broke up" we have still been romantically involved trying to "get back together" but there were countless times he rubbed it in my face we "broke up." He now wants to get back with me along with another woman. He won't settle for being with just me and her.

Due to all that has been going on, I have been feeling a great deal of depression, finding myself crying a lot since he has stated he wants to be in a relationship with me and another one of his exes. I just want one lover to myself - whether it was him or whomever I ended up with. I debated about just giving him up to her completely. However, apparently this is not "good enough" for him. He cannot accept being with just one of us as "we are both a part of him" and without both of us and not just one of us, he is only "half of himself. He also cannot accept "just being friends with me," and I feel stuck in a predicament that is basically doomed to fail. When I brought it up to him he got extremely depressive. I do not want to see him cry so I kept on keeping it hidden. He also asked me to wait until all of us moved in together so we could "all discuss it."

I should also add in that him, the other girl he wants a romantic relationship with, and with myself are all roommates. We all live together in the same apartment. The girl just moved here last week (we recently moved). Honestly though I do not know where else to vent and just let out how I feel... if I try bringing it up at home to him I am told to stop being so territorial, or to accept that he loves both me and her. I was also asked to not bring it up until after we all "moved in together" but it is just not fair. However there were countless times he asked me to block somebody online or call block them due to the fact that he was so territorial over me, which makes no sense.

I have felt numb, but there were a ton of times I just wanted to let it all out, and let out my hurt, frustration, and anger, but I have been keeping that part of me hidden for so long now that I feel numb inside....

I really need advice. I need help. I do not know where else to turn. I do not want to turn to my parents because they will try to pull me out of the situation I am in and ruin any chance I have of keeping any of them as friends. They are the only friends I really have right now, and I cannot move out of where I am at - I have nowhere to go. I gave up my apartment him and I were living in before to move in with them into our new place (it is a 2 br apartment with a den). I have no one else to turn to that does not know both him and I. I want unbiased advice. I do not want people putting me or him down. I just need some two cents from people that do not know him, and maybe can read my post for what it's worth and just throw in their two cents...

I want to talk to him about it, and honestly I would rather just be single again. I am single but not at the same time. We are "together" but not together. We are lovers but not "official" because he wants to be both with her and myself. We WERE together at one point but he dumped me because when he first moved here (we were in a long distance relationship) he sold a lot of stuff to come here, and has not had a job or anything. He said he was looking for a job but I would come home from work seeing him just playing video games, and I have dished out over 22k since he moved here towards rent, bills, going to see his family back where he moved from, etc. He would claim to be looking for jobs when I was away and it was his down time, but he never got calls from any places or anything except for once while he was there (for Giant). I went through the search history on my computer (which he mostly uses my desktop) just to see if he was looking. He dumped me due to "my lack of trust." Which is unfair because there were countless times he would grab my cell phone, or go through my messages on FB with other people when I accidentally left my account logged in. He said I had to earn his trust back but trust goes two ways, and there were tons of times he doubted me and did not trust me, and went through my stuff. Yet he dumped me for the same reason, which to me is him just being his own damn hypocrite...

I love him but am frustrated at all that is going on. Depressed, because I know I will be the one that causes the distrust between all of us. The other girl knows he loves both of us and is okay with the idea of all of us being together in a polygamous relationship. I am not. I am the one with the "problem" so to say. I am the one that is not okay with it..... and it has been putting a great weight on me between that and everything else. I am almost numb at this point with emotion, as I have cried alone countless nights. He would go and sleep with her in the same bed and I would go into another room to sleep and cry myself to sleep. I am so depressed and just numb from everything it is hard to feel anything anymore.... and I need help. I do not know where else to turn. My emotions have been restrained in side of me since. If I let it out, if I could, it would be just me balling into tears at work or somewhere else. I cannot let it out at work, at home, no where....

Last edited by SnowCrystal; 02-07-2014 at 11:20 PM.
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  #2  
Old 02-07-2014, 11:06 PM
Memorandum Memorandum is offline
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Polygamous. "That word. I do not think it means, what you think it means."
I couldn't even finish reading it after I realized you aren't using the correct word.
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Old 02-07-2014, 11:22 PM
SnowCrystal SnowCrystal is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Memorandum View Post
Polygamous. "That word. I do not think it means, what you think it means."
I couldn't even finish reading it after I realized you aren't using the correct word.
Then please forgive me as I am new to this, and if you could please tell me what the correct word is. I am just seeking advice... and I need help. I do not know where else to turn to.
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Old 02-07-2014, 11:30 PM
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SouthernGal SouthernGal is offline
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It's polyamorous, but it's an honest mistake.

Honey, you might not want to talk to your parents, but you need to get out of there or get the other two out. $22,000, not a single call for a job interview, AND you have to support someone who's not your boyfriend and insists on screwing another woman AND you (who he dumped and still hasn't made up with). Are you paying her bills too? You are being used and not even being treated remotely nicely. Kick him to the curb! He won't even pretend to listen to you or help you. He doesn't deserve you! This isn't poly; it's crazy. Rescue yourself. Get them off your payroll and look for a man that loves you, respects you, and helps you instead of eating you alive. You may need your parents help to get rid of that parasite, but please don't be ashamed to ask. You were tricked, he's the bad guy, get him out. Good luck!
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Old 02-07-2014, 11:35 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SouthernGal View Post
It's polyamorous, but it's an honest mistake.

Honey, you might not want to talk to your parents, but you need to get out of there or get the other two out. $22,000, not a single call for a job interview, AND you have to support someone who's not your boyfriend and insists on screwing another woman AND you (who he dumped and still hasn't made up with). Are you paying her bills too? You are being used and not even being treated remotely nicely. Kick him to the curb! He won't even pretend to listen to you or help you. He doesn't deserve you! This isn't poly; it's crazy. Rescue yourself. Get them off your payroll and look for a man that loves you, respects you, and helps you instead of eating you alive. You may need your parents help to get rid of that parasite, but please don't be ashamed to ask. You were tricked, he's the bad guy, get him out. Good luck!
My thoughts exactly!
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Old 02-07-2014, 11:42 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SnowCrystal View Post
I debated about just giving him up to her completely. However, apparently this is not "good enough" for him. He cannot accept being with just one of us as "we are both a part of him" and without both of us and not just one of us, he is only "half of himself. He also cannot accept "just being friends with me," and I feel stuck in a predicament that is basically doomed to fail. When I brought it up to him he got extremely depressive. I do not want to see him cry so I kept on keeping it hidden. He also asked me to wait until all of us moved in together so we could "all discuss it."
Hugs, SnowCrystal,

I only quoted the above, but the whole thing seems horribly unbalanced. You are in an unfamiliar area, with no friends who aren't shared friends, which leaves you feeling dependent on the him for friendship. On top of that, you're feeling steamrolled into a relationship style you don't want because he won't take no for an answer, AND you're around him and his other GF both 24/7 and have no other outlet. Not to mention that he seems to hold a double standard around privacy and actually being allowed to have feelings.

Ugh.

I know you don't feel you have anywhere to go, but can you start looking for a place of your own? Some distance may make it easier to think a bit more clearly about all this. You need to feel like you're not at the mercy of their decisions, and need some leverage (and space... and friends!) of your own.

Hang in there...
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Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
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Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
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Old 02-07-2014, 11:43 PM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Don't get too tangled up in the labels. I suspect Memorandum means your use of "polygamous" (many marriages) vs. "polyamory" (many loves - and the subject of this site). Personally I think your meaning was clear.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SnowCrystal View Post
He also asked me to wait until all of us moved in together so we could "all discuss it."
That is completely backwards. You shouldn't even begin considering moving in together until you have all the details sorted out. Perhaps he's hoping that once you're all living together you'll lack the resources to move back out once you realise what you've gotten yourself into.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SnowCrystal View Post
The other girl knows he loves both of us and is okay with the idea of all of us being together in a polygamous relationship. I am not. I am the one with the "problem" so to say. I am the one that is not okay with it..... and it has been putting a great weight on me between that and everything else.
If he wants you to be ok with it then he needs to help you be ok with it, and if he's not willing to put in the work then he's not going to get the result he desires. He needs to understand that there's no magic switch you can flick to make yourself suddenly poly and he certainly needs to understand that you're not deliberately refusing to flick it just 'cause you want to make life difficult. I realise we're only hearing one side of the story here, but it doesn't sound to me like he's willing to try.
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Old 02-08-2014, 12:31 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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It seems obvious to me that you two are not compatible and want very different things. Plus he is extremely disrespectful towards you and very inconsiderate. End it. Life is too short to spend it with someone like that.
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Old 02-08-2014, 01:30 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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You're being emotionally abused. End it. Get yourself taken off the lease and move back with your parents. Make new friends. Get counseling for your depression.
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  #10  
Old 02-08-2014, 02:29 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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If you would honestly rather be single? Break up for good and be single then. Stop sharing sex with your ex. Start behaving like he is your ex. Most people don't live with their ex.

Depression is anger turned inward and you have a lot to be angry about. Start expressing more in appropriate ways. Seek a counselor.

He is a mooch and he discounts your feelings and strings you along manipulating you. It is not your job to "complete him" or support him or whatever. He can deal with his disappointment appropriately like a grown up and not be glomming on you making it hard for you to leave. You do not exist to create his happiness in his life for him. You exist to create your happiness in your life for yourself. You are not being territorial to express unhappiness and want to leave a relationship that is not fulfilling for you or the shape you want it to be for your romances. You are allowed to withdraw your participation with dignity. You seem to recognize it is unhealthy here.

Do a different behavior so you can start to feel better. I strongly suggest you stop participating here.

I strongly suggest you call your parents from work so you are not overheard by roomies to come help you get out of this toxic environment. These people are not behaving friendly toward you. This is all less than loving behavior. Rather than fearing losing fake friends/bad lovers... You go for what you honestly want ... Being single!

Continue to love him for now if you must, but get your body out of the line of fire. Usually one must leave abuse physically before they can leave mentally and emotionally. Your thoughts and feelings can catch up later once you are free from bad environment and can heal some. In time you will detach and with counseling your depression will heal. Please ask for the help you need.

You could allow this to happen and allow yourself to move it forward rather than staying stuck. Don't stand on pride. Call the parents. Get on the path to wellness. Do not continue on the hurtful path. You can do this. GL!

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-08-2014 at 02:50 AM.
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