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Old 02-05-2014, 09:10 PM
kate1 kate1 is offline
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hi all, I am in a poly relationship..

my bf has a gf ( I have been with him nearly two years and he has been with her for a few months, he started the relationship behind my back and I didn't find out from him, he is sweet and lovely despite this! he has his reasons but it still hurts, I had a relationship before and my bf left me for his new gf and I am sooo scared this is going happen again, I get so insecure and I just keep thinking I should break up with him but I don't want to lose him, what can I do?

to add I am not happy with their relationship, he might be seeing her and going for a week away and might not even speak to me for that week because he will be with her and that really hurts

Last edited by kate1; 02-05-2014 at 09:17 PM.
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Old 02-05-2014, 09:25 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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This is not ethical polyshipping to me. This is a cheating affair. I am sorry you are hurting and dealing in this.

Right now you want to break up with him because he cheated on your shared agreements. You are within your rights to do so.

Quote:
I had a relationship before and my bf left me for his new gf and I am sooo scared this is going happen again
I get that it feels scary and brings up past UGH -- but try to set it aside and deal with the present task at hand: current cheating BF and what to do about him.

You don't write details so going just on what you did write?
  • He disrespected you and your shared agreements by cheating.
  • You don't sound like you love being here with him.

You could dump him and get you out of here then. And get you started on the path to healing. Rather than staying on the path of shenanigans yet to come.

Because you deserve to be treated well in relationships. And he did not treat you well.

When there is no option for "zero stink?" Go with the least stinky option. (Hurt and on the path to healing) is better than (hurt and still in the line of fire.) Could get you out of line of fire. Hard to feel certainly. But the actions really are that simple.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-05-2014 at 09:38 PM.
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  #3  
Old 02-05-2014, 09:39 PM
kate1 kate1 is offline
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Quote:
This is not ethical polyshipping to me. This is a cheating affair.

Right now you want to break up with him because he cheated on you. You are within your rights to do so
.

I know its my past relationship repeating itself but he is different to my ex but I just thought he could never hurt me and this really hurts still and I found out last year in september


Quote:
I get that it feels scary and brings up past UGH -- but try to set it aside and deal with the present task at hand: a cheating BF and what to do about him.
I told him in anger/hurt feelings to break up with her but he said no he couldn't now I know I can't do this but I am not happy

the reason why I can't do it is because I love him and he makes me feel loved despite this, there are so many many reasons why I don't want to leave him but how do I get over this pain and feeling insecure, I tell him I feel insecure and he makes me feel better all the time but I don't want him to do that.
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Old 02-05-2014, 09:48 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
the reason why I can't do it is because I love him and he makes me feel loved despite this,
You are going through stages of grief. Past the first shock of it since finding out in Sept, and probably in anger/bargaining stages from the sound of it.

You don't WANT to do this. I get that. But not wanting to do it and not being ABLE to do it are two different things. You CAN do "I am breaking up with you" behavior toward a cheating BF.

In the time it took to write these posts you could have typed him "We're over. I'm breaking up with you" and it would be done.

Quote:
how do I get over this pain and feeling insecure, I tell him I feel insecure and he makes me feel better all the time but I don't want him to do that.
Time will heal pain. Allow time to pass free of new shenanigans and you will heal.

For the insecure? You could do "safe and secure" behaviors for yourself like getting you out of the line of fire! Stop hanging around a guy you can no longer trust to keep agreements, a guy whose behavior causes you pain.

Love him if you want to right now from the side but OUT of the line of fire so he cannot do new behaviors to ding you. In time your feelings will catch up. Allow this to happen.

You could learn to be able to self-validate and self-comfort rather than relying on other people to do it for you. When other people do it for you, it's just them feeding the empty black hole. It helps for a while but then disappears. You could learn to generate that from within so you are never without and you are free of black hole.

Then you can be free to LEAVE people who hurt you without fearing being alone or fearing black hole inside.

Then you can be free to STAY with people because you know you stay for THEM for good reasons you can feel proud of.

Staying with people that do behaviors that cause you pain because sometimes they give you some "black hole stuffing?" That is not self respecting behavior. You cannot be proud of you behaving like that. Your self esteem will take a ding.

Do self respecting behavior:
  • My BF cheated. His behavior sucked.
  • Consequence? I am breaking up with him because I deserve to be treated well.
  • That is the consequence of HIS poor behavior. He doesn't treat me well -- he doesn't GET to be with me.

You can treat you like YOU MATTER and DESERVE to be treated well. Because you DO. You can feel proud of you for that behavior.

You might find doing this and seeing you come out the other side PERFECTLY OK in time will help you grow what you need -- the knowledge that you CAN look out for yourself and you CAN take care of yourself. That is self respecting behavior you can be proud of, and your esteem of your own behavior will improve.

What are you growing if you stay where you have been cheated on and where you are unhappy? That you don't expect anyone -- not BF or you -- to treat you well. That's a bad crop -- don't spend time growing that!

I mean all that kindly.

You can do this and treat you better. You deserve to be treated well -- especially by YOU.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-05-2014 at 10:13 PM.
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