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Old 02-19-2014, 06:11 PM
happy2bhere happy2bhere is offline
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Default Newbie question..too complicated to summarise!!

OK, this is a bit complicated but i'll try to simplify as much as possible. My husband and I separated for two years (monogamous relationship) and have now been reconciled nearly a year. We continue to live in separate houses for practical reason that I won't bore you all with. One of the reasons we separated was because I had 'issues' with our sex life which at the time I didn't understsnd. During our separation I learnt that I have subby/ masochistic tendencies that need frequent attention, something that i'm now very comfortable with and consider to be a need much like anything else. Despite efforts on his part these bdsm itches continue to go unscratched, and as result we are considering polygamy.

Here's the complicated bit...during our separation I had a very intense relationship that i've been unable to truly let go from. I love my husband very, very much, but can't deny that the feelings for this other man are still there. I don't want to come across as niave and realise that polyamory involves all parties to feel comfortable, safe and trusted. Is it wrong that I'm considering reentering the relationship with this other man? If I was reading this my first thought would be 'hell woman, you need to work on the relationship with your husband first'. However, these subby/masochistic itches run very deep in me and without it I find sex incredibly unsatisfying, which is starting to affect my relationship with my husband. The bottom line is i need something that he can't provide. It feels like history is repeating itself.

Any advice/feedback would be very much welcome, even if it's to stop wanting my cake and eat it!!

Last edited by happy2bhere; 02-19-2014 at 06:13 PM.
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  #2  
Old 02-19-2014, 07:17 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Why do you think poly is wanting your cake and eating it too?
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  #3  
Old 02-19-2014, 08:59 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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My husband Butch needs BDSM in his life.

I can not give that to him. He has play partners outside our marriage. It has made things a thousand times better in our marriage. He gets that need scratched, and he doesn't badger me into partaking in in activity that I resent him for that honestly creeps me out.
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40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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Old 02-20-2014, 03:32 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Is it wrong that I'm considering reentering the relationship with this other man? If I was reading this my first thought would be 'hell woman, you need to work on the relationship with your husband first'. However, these subby/masochistic itches run very deep in me and without it I find sex incredibly unsatisfying, which is starting to affect my relationship with my husband.
Isn't considering all facets PART OF reentering relationship with your husband so that you and husband can SUCCEED together? Could stop judging yourself for what you feel. You just feel what you feel.

What blocks you from saying to your husband while you are in this renegotiation of marriage phase...
"I want to be with you. But in our time apart I learned that I have BDSM itches that need scratching. So I also want to be free to date other people who meet that need. I don't ever want to ask you to do things you are not comfortable doing.

If we reboot, I am not going back to the old marriage agreements. We would have to work together to make new ones where I am free to date and so are you, if you want it. Are you still up for rebooting with me or not? Please take time to seriously think this out. Could you be willing to let me know in a month where you stand?"
His "willing and able" to participate belongs to him. Ask him respectfully where his "willing and able" lie at this time. Give him respectful time to mull it over.

The only way it is "wrong" to date others is if you have promised to Close again and sneak out behind husband's back to do it. (breaking current agreements)

Don't make promises you cannot keep. If you made them and found out later you cannot keep them? Better to take it back and make new agreements or disband than to cheat on agreements. Keep it clean. Something like...

"Look, I thought I could do _____. I have been trying for X months. I find that I cannot. I need to renegotiate agreements. I don't want to break them behind your back. I want to tell you up front what is not working for me and ask if we can set new agreements."
Right now you sound like you and the estranged husband but are trying to work something out. So... keep working! Accept it might take a few tries before it smooths out. Things usually are not perfect right out of the gate.
Quote:
Despite efforts on his part these bdsm itches continue to go unscratched, and as result we are considering polygamy.
Since you state he is aware of your BDSM need and you are both considering polygamy -- what's husband's issue?
  • This PARTICULAR guy?
  • Polyshipping in general?
  • Not polyshipping in general, but polyshipping at this time of life?
  • Strengthening communication skills first so you are both ABLE to polyship cleanly?
  • Is he willing to top you but he doesn't know HOW?
  • Something else I cannot think of right now?

You are not clear.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-20-2014 at 03:49 AM.
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