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Old 02-04-2014, 10:53 PM
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Brighty18 Brighty18 is offline
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Default Finances and the Mundane Details of Being a Poly Family

Hi! If this is the wrong thread for this, I apologize...

I am curious as to how people who live with their multiple partners deal with things like finances, personal space, chores, and the other mundane details of family life. How do you divide space? Do you eat together? What are the problems that you encounter and how have you solved them? Are there things you've found that work well?

Specifics to our situation: A. (my legal husband) and I have been married 11 years and have lived together fro 13. We've always shared finances. C. is our partner of two years. He's lived with us on and off as he finished school on the East Coast, but will now by moving in full time. A. and I both have jobs and will be supporting C. until he finds something he wants to do. This seems fine for now, but I fear the potential for problems down the line.

We have a three bedroom house and share a single bedroom for sleeping. One of the other bedrooms will be C.'s private space (though I may have to use some of the closet for storage) and the other is A.'s music studio and a shared hobby area. This leaves me with no personal space. Right now, that's okay, but, again, I wonder if there could be problems later. This has all been fine when C was with us for a few weeks at a time, but now it will be ongoing. My only concern here is more about socializing and neatness, for the living room will be, by default, the space I use for myself.

We generally share meals, but A and I have slightly different work schedules and we all have slightly different nutritional needs. In fact, we joke about how we are "just three people with various digestive issues who love each other very much." We all love to cook and share food, so I'm not too worried about that.
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A: 30's, male, my legal husband, poly
C: 20's, male, our life partner, poly
We live together as a family.
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Old 02-04-2014, 11:30 PM
london london is offline
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I know you all sleep together but can't they just sleep there so it's mainly your personal space.
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Old 02-05-2014, 01:34 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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We have all lived together for.. I don't know a little over 10 years. Generally Maca and I share a sleeping space. GG has a room of his own. I have a room of my own that operates as "the spare room" as well. Maca claims the garage if he needs personal space/time.
All of our finances are integrated. At different times, different combinations of us worked/dealt with kids.
But it's always a group effort.
We function as a family, with three adults.
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Old 02-05-2014, 02:39 AM
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There have been discussions on this topic, and similar, before. To start you off, here are a few you may find helpful (the search function is your friend!):

The Finances

Buying a house as one arm of a V - pitfalls, suggestions

Any advice on how to protect partner financially?

Lessons in Poly Family living - money


Dating and money


money issues?
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 02-05-2014, 05:01 AM
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Brighty18 Brighty18 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
I know you all sleep together but can't they just sleep there so it's mainly your personal space.
Very good point. Sadly, our bed is big and our room is small.


Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
We have all lived together for.. I don't know a little over 10 years. Generally Maca and I share a sleeping space. GG has a room of his own. I have a room of my own that operates as "the spare room" as well. Maca claims the garage if he needs personal space/time.
All of our finances are integrated. At different times, different combinations of us worked/dealt with kids.
But it's always a group effort.
We function as a family, with three adults.
Yay! Good for y'all. It also makes me think that, perhaps, eventually, a four bedroom house is the answer.


Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
There have been discussions on this topic, and similar, before. To start you off, here are a few you may find helpful (the search function is your friend!):

The Finances

Buying a house as one arm of a V - pitfalls, suggestions

Any advice on how to protect partner financially?

Lessons in Poly Family living - money


Dating and money


money issues?

Thanks! A lot of that was really helpful. I'm still getting used to things here; it's been a long time since I've worked with this format.
__________________
About me:
Me: 40's, female, poly
A: 30's, male, my legal husband, poly
C: 20's, male, our life partner, poly
We live together as a family.

Last edited by nycindie; 02-05-2014 at 01:45 PM. Reason: Fixed Quote formatting
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Old 02-05-2014, 08:49 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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How do you divide space?

Both my men are very Alpha personalities. Neither one would tolerate sharing space long term. While they are now friends they both line having a house. So they each have their own and the kids and I travel between them or I do solo if Butch is off work. Once in a blue moon Murf will come stay at the home I share with Butch. One those occasions someone sleeps in the spare room.

Do you eat together?

Holidays and the rare occasion we are under one roof.

What are the problems that you encounter and how have you solved them?

Don't have any.

Are there things you've found that work well?

Keeping the households separate has served us well.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
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Old 02-07-2014, 05:14 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brighty18 View Post
I am curious as to how people who live with their multiple partners deal with things like finances, personal space, chores, and the other mundane details of family life. How do you divide space? Do you eat together?
I know I've written about it before but, of course, I can't find the posts now...

Me, MrS, and Dude live together in a weirdly constructed one-bedroom house - few rooms but they are BIG.

The bedroom (we share one king-size bed), bathroom and kitchen are "shared" spaces. The library/dining room/living room is "mine". The family/TV/computer room belongs to the boys - as does the garage and the gear/storage room. There is an enclosed porch that belongs to the dogs. There is a "someday" plan to add an addition that would be Dude's room (MrS snores - so sometimes Dude sleeps on the couch - and while 3-4 in the bed is cozy...sometimes some combos want to sleep and others want to have sex...we make do ).

In terms of finances - that is my department. I am the only one of the three of us (that make up our household) that works outside of the home, and am fortunate to earn enough to support all of us if we aren't too extravagant. I pay all of the "household" bills and look out for our savings/investments.

The boys get a set budget of "fun money" each month transferred to their personal accounts that they don't need to account for. They each have a debit or credit card that they are solely responsible for - as well as a "household" credit card that I pay - but they consult me before "major purchases" (anything more than a few hundred) to make sure the budget can handle it.

In terms of chores - everyone is responsible for pet care. Each person is responsible for their own laundry (but I do the "shared" laundry - bedding and towels, etc). The boys are responsible for everything else - car repair and maintenance, house repairs and upgrades, property maintenance, shopping, cooking, errands, etc...

The only real issue is cleaning - we all hate it, so it doesn't get done. (If I weren't so frugal we might hire someone for this - on the other hand, none of us is particularly keen on letting a stranger into our private space - and the poly living situation complicates that a bit as well - although I'm pretty sure that the mail lady has it figured out.)

We are all on different schedules - but if one of the boys makes food then anyone who is home and awake gets fed (I don't cook...ever )

Lotus and TT share their own home (he works from home, she currently doesn't work, but that is likely to change). She has a spot for her "stuff" when she comes to stay with us (she is welcome any time and does not need to wait for an invitation). When she is here she is a member of the household - she puts the dogs out if they need to, makes coffee or food if she wants to, goes to bed when she is tired, etc. (She is still feeling her way here but has gotten a lot more comfortable as the months go by.) Similar with when we (or some combo of us) go to their house (although that is less common).

When we go out, we generally take turns paying - but no one is keeping score (the boys use their "fun money" for this - among other things). The dogs (each household has two) travel back and forth if needed and we have arrangements at each end for that.

In terms of holidays (since someone else mentioned it). When we get together with family for holidays usually me/Dude/MrS go to either MrS's or my parents (Dude's parents are out of the picture). Lotus and TT spend holidays with his family or hers. Lotus has met my parents (as "Dude's girlfriend" - we are not officially "out" to our families), I have met her mother and we have met TT's family (as "friends"). We three are out to our friends - so invites from them also tend to be for all three (it hasn't come up yet for Lotus to meet many of our other friends - but I suspect after a while the invites will be for "you all" (or "yinz guys" - since we are from PGH) - for anyone who is around.

Me/MrS/Dude also vacation together - and I could see the five of us (me/MrS/Dude/Lotus/TT) doing so in the future as well...

Our situation is more "chosen family/cohabitation" style than some people choose (I sometimes describe it as "heading toward co-primary" in terms of our household Vee). It works for us...probably because MrS and Dude are best friends (and were before I became involved with Dude) - I could definitely see them being roommates even if I weren't in the picture.

Just one of many possible solutions...

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (23+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 02-07-2014 at 05:41 AM. Reason: holiday/vacation stuff
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