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Old 02-03-2014, 10:55 PM
QueenTonberry QueenTonberry is offline
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Unhappy Advice please

Hi guys its been a while. I am having problems with my boyfriend C. I would like to start with that I have always encouraged C to be polyamerous so it is not the fact that he has another girlfriend that hurts me. What hurts is that the relationship that they have isn't exactly acceptable. It was all fine when they were just friends but today he admitted lying to me about her and that he considers them being in an actual relationship. I know he can get into trouble for this and I'm trying to tell him to stop but he won't. And now I am hurt because I feel like I am just a cover up. I honestly don't know what I should do because I have developed strong feelings for him. I don't want to tell him I am hurt because I don't want to seem like I am quilting him to be with me and not her.
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Old 02-03-2014, 11:18 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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So you've encouraged him to be poly but now that he has an actual girlfriend you don't like it? What do you think poly is? Did you discuss before he met someone what kind of boundaries you had?
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Old 02-03-2014, 11:20 PM
QueenTonberry QueenTonberry is offline
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His girlfriend his not of age if he had a girlfreind our age it would be acceptable
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Old 02-03-2014, 11:39 PM
Tigergirl Tigergirl is offline
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You don't give ages of anybody involved- I'm assuming she's under 18 and the two of you are at least in your 20s? I think it's a wise decision to tell him that not only are you highly uncomfortable with his choosing to be in a "relationship" with a minor because it icks you out (and depending on age difference could be sort of wrong- like her being 17 about to be 18 and him being 20- to really gross- basically her being anything younger than that and him being anything older than that) but also because it's ILLEGAL and jail isn't awesome, nor is being registered as a sex offender for the rest of his life. Also, that it could have a legal negative impact against you, since having knowledge about it, you could be charged with stuff too. This has nothing to do with jealousy- this has to do with that an adult being in a "relationship" with a child is wrong! I think it might be a good thing to have a serious talk with him about it, but also to have a serious talk with yourself. How do you feel about being with a man who would think that was okay? Is that what you want for yourself? Are you okay with the possibility of being charged with crimes due to his choice?
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Old 02-04-2014, 12:12 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Well isnt his relationship with her legal because of age of consent laws?
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Old 02-04-2014, 03:45 AM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
Well isnt his relationship with her legal because of age of consent laws?
OP has not stated exact ages so assuming until facts are known won't help anyone to give thoughts that are accurate to legalities. I agree if 17 may be age of consent depending on the youngest person's age of this Vee.
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Old 02-04-2014, 04:00 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Could ignore the feelings. Focus only on behavior done/not done.

I could be wrong, but here is the behavior summary:
  • I am having problems with my boyfriend C.
  • I have always encouraged C to be polyamorous.
  • He lied to me about their relationship. Said they were friends, now they are dating.
  • And she's a minor -- which puts her on my "messy people" list.
  • I asked him to stop his behavior (dating her) because he can get into trouble doing it.
  • He will not stop his behavior.
  • I am not comfortable staying in this polyship now with a lying BF and a minor metamour.

In your own behavior?
  • You could withdraw your participation. Bow out of this polyship. No longer willing to participate.

Anything extra you do, is up to you and in accordance to
  • whatever laws in your area that apply here, if any
  • whatever obligation you might feel to tell her, if any (he lied to you, he could lie to her about his age)
  • whatever obligation you might feel to to tell any parents, if any (hers, his, yours)

But the bottom line is that you asked him to stop. He won't.

You don't like it here like this. You do not have to continue to participate in polyships you do not like. This is YOU getting yourself out of an uncomfortable situation.

Sad for you, because you love him. I get that. But it's hard to continue to love him when he does less than loving behavior (ex: lies to you) and he does less than comfortable/appropriate behavior to you (takes up with a minor).

You could not do less than loving behavior toward you -- stay in a polyship you dislike.

You could do some loving behavior toward you -- could get you out of the uncomfortable yourself then.

Cuz he's not. You asked, he won't.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-04-2014 at 04:16 AM.
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