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  #1  
Old 04-02-2017, 08:59 PM
confusedtink confusedtink is offline
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Default Annoyance with okcupid

I'm sure you've all heard it before. I just felt a need for a rant. My picture was flagged and removed of my eyes because it doesn't fit their policy. Anyway I'm annoyed because I am not openly poly or openly bisexual. If I were to be open about either it would likely affect my volunteering and that would crush me. I'm just annoyed that they don't offer up other options for those of us who can't be open about our whole selves because of the lash back we'd receive. I guess I could just not be looking to date, but honestly I shouldn't have to choose.

Tink
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Old 04-02-2017, 09:50 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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I just took a look at OKC, because it's been awhile for me, but it appears that they are positioning themselves as an alternative to Tinder and other superficial dating apps. Makes sense as a marketing move. OKCupid has always aimed to present its members with more substance than other dating apps and their photo policy would follow that. You're right that OKCupid doesn't work well for people who can't be out for whatever reason, although many try to "hide" there, probably to less than satisfactory results. OKCupid is a business like any other, not a public service. Their policy is that your profile picture must be of you and this serves everyone who comes there looking for depth and authenticity in prospective partners.



SUBSTANCE, NOT JUST SELFIES.
There are two kinds of dating apps: theirs and ours. We go below the surface to show off the real you. Sounds like a nice change, right?
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Old 04-02-2017, 10:00 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedtink View Post
I'm sure you've all heard it before. I just felt a need for a rant. My picture was flagged and removed of my eyes because it doesn't fit their policy. Anyway I'm annoyed because I am not openly poly or openly bisexual. If I were to be open about either it would likely affect my volunteering and that would crush me. I'm just annoyed that they don't offer up other options for those of us who can't be open about our whole selves because of the lash back we'd receive. I guess I could just not be looking to date, but honestly I shouldn't have to choose.

Tink
I agree with Angelina's comments but would also add this: if you are not openly poly, what do you have to offer your potential dates? A life of being the dirty little secret?

One of the reasons I broke up with my BF after 2+ years was that he wanted us to live in a bubble, just the two of us. He was never going to introduce me to his family.

I'm now watching him with his GF of maybe 18 months, doing the same thing to her. She's all over him on social media with likes and comments and follows and so on. He never acknowledges her in any way online. If his family ever asks questions, she's set herself up to be explained away as the nut-case stalker. I'm just wondering how long it's going to take her to realize this, and get tired of being the one to show all the love and give all the kudos online for nothing in return.

So I'm curious, if you're not able to even show your face on a dating site, is that about what you have to offer someone as your partner? A life of secrecy?
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Old 04-02-2017, 10:31 PM
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BonzaiBlitz BonzaiBlitz is offline
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So I'm curious, if you're not able to even show your face on a dating site, is that about what you have to offer someone as your partner? A life of secrecy?
While I agree that OKC is frustrating on many levels, this question needs to be answered before you continue.

If you can't be out and proud, whether as poly or as bi, you need to reevaluate both, as well as what is keeping you from being so.

Additionally, who are you afraid of running into online?
Who have you seen on OKC that could put some part of your life in jeopardy if they learned of your bisexuality and/or polyamory?
Is this person(s) truly a threat, or are you assuming they would be based on some other factors?
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Old 04-02-2017, 10:36 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Originally Posted by confusedtink View Post
I shouldn't have to choose.
This is the clarion call of every person who, for whatever reason, faces discrimination and outright danger for loving whom they love. Gay people and interracial couples faced this for millennia and in many places still do. In some places, even a so-called inappropriate age difference can present a real social problem. All non-monogamous relationship types certainly arouse "reactions" in many forms. You're right, people who are different than the perceived norm should not have to choose, but that is what coming out movements are all about.
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Old 04-02-2017, 10:51 PM
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BonzaiBlitz BonzaiBlitz is offline
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina View Post
This is the clarion call of every person who, for whatever reason, faces discrimination and outright danger for loving whom they love. Gay people and interracial couples faced this for millennia and in many places still do. In some places, even a so-called inappropriate age difference can present a real social problem. All non-monogamous relationship types certainly arouse "reactions" in many forms. You're right, people who are different than the perceived norm should not have to choose, but that is what coming out movements are all about.
Which is why you should be COMING OUT, not hiding your face.
Determine if hiding your face (and thus bringing unnecessary baggage to any new prospective partners) is worth whatever would be put at risk by coming out.
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  #7  
Old 04-02-2017, 11:54 PM
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Hi Tink,

I haven't had the same issues as you're describing, but I certainly know what it's like to get frustrated with OKC. I deleted my profile many years ago.

Hope you find a reasonable solution.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 04-03-2017, 12:22 AM
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My profile picture is of me standing next to a motorcycle. I'm wearing a helmet which shows enough of my face to satisfy the rules, but not enough to be recognisable.

It has nothing to do with shame or secrecy, but just that my love life us none of anyone's business unless I want it to be.
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  #9  
Old 04-03-2017, 12:26 AM
confusedtink confusedtink is offline
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For those of you concerned for what I can offer a partner and what not in all honesty that would be between me and them. For those worried about secrecy let me assure you my family unit knows. Not my extended as in my parents or siblings. With the exception of my father I will eventually tell them.

For those who wish to understand my volunteer work is coaching children. Not that I ever plan on discussing my life choices with said children, but adults are often the biggest assholes bent on retaliation on people they don't like or agree with. I've already had one person try and keep me from coaching/managing and I'm not entirely sure as to why other than the fact that he is being a dick.

So you'll excuse me if I feel a little reticent to show my face where any of the people involved could possibly find me. Yes there are quite a few of them that are single and could possibly use that app.

Also as an FYI I do have a partner aside from my husband and she is ok with the fact that we are not currently out because of said situation. It doesn't mean it will always be that way.

Also for those who were constructive, thank you.
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Last edited by confusedtink; 04-03-2017 at 12:28 AM.
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Old 04-04-2017, 12:27 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Originally Posted by confusedtink View Post

Also for those who were constructive, thank you.
To my eye, nobody in this thread is anything but constructive, as it's a discussion about perceived societal pressures vs. individual expressions of love. You said "I shouldn't have to choose" and indeed, you should not have to choose, but you do have to choose if you're going to live within the confines of social fear. Using "welfare of the children" as a weapon against expressions of non-normative sexuality is an age old societal tactic to keep people from openly being who they are. Gay teachers faced this for centuries and although Western Culture has dramatically changed in recent years, many pockets of bigotry remain, presenting real threats and dangers to homosexual educators. There are always very good reasons that people remain closeted or partial closeted, but there are also very good reasons to live one's life in the open. This is why we see Coming Out movements and not Coming Out Commemorative Day. It's a slow process that involves massive individual and societal change, complete with judgement and soul searching all around. To me, this is the more beneficial topic of this discussion and not specifically what you should or should not do.
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Last edited by FallenAngelina; 04-04-2017 at 01:35 PM.
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