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Old 02-03-2014, 04:47 AM
poobah123 poobah123 is offline
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 48

First thanks to all who took the time to read and reply. Yes my wife is a bitch. It's her personality. She has gotten better.

To the person who asked if there was cheating involved. Sadly yes. It started with an emotional affair then become limited physically for 8 months. I am not proud of it but I had some nervous breakdown. I totally lost control and was not the person I wanted to be.

As for my preferred choice right now. It would be neither. However it's much more complicated than what I wrote originally. My OSO has a somewhat "fatal attraction" to me that has always effected me. ok not fatal but an unhealthy attraction. Almost obsessive. Second we are having major problems with my son who is dealing with a possible mental illness. I am not sure my own marriage could stand alone due to my sons problems and our inherit differences.

Thanks for listening. I have only recently found a determination in me to make a better life for myself. My kids come first but this unhealthy way of living is going to kill me at an early age.
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Old 02-03-2014, 05:23 AM
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Brighty18 Brighty18 is offline
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Taos, NM
Posts: 14

It's hard to say because I know so little of the situation, but, in general, I have found that ultimatums - or at least the sort of large-scale demands that your wife made - do not bode well for a relationship. To me, it sounds like a breech of love/trust/respect. Have you talked about this with your counselor? What does s/he say?

I don't have much to add, for everyone else has said it so well, but it sounds like counseling is totally the right thing. Perhaps you need to separate and look at this from a new perspective while continuing to see the counselor. But, most of all, it sounds like you need to concentrate on your son and what can be done for him. That might, at least, allow you and your wife to work together on something other that issues revolving around your OSOs.
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Old 02-03-2014, 05:35 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,345

Ok. New data.
  • You want to continue to be there for the kids and support then in appropriate ways
  • Your son needs extra care beyond post-divorce care
  • You mention your OSO has a "fatal attraction" that is unhealthy.
  • You want to stop living in unhealthy ways.

So could go with
  • create your wellness plan to remove yourself from toxic environment and relationships so you can become more healthy over time in all your healths (Learn to put you first. If you die from "unhealthy way of living that will kill me", you can't be around help you kids.)
  • create a kid care plan to provide for the children and their needs in appropriate ways
  • ending your participation in the marriage to be free of bitchy wife
  • ending your participation in the polyship to be free of fatal attraction OSO

Maybe it is enough work for today to decide those goals as your mission? So you can go to sleep tonight feeling one microstep closer to resolution?

Then start to work with the counselor and your lawyer/mediator to start coloring in the picture better tomorrow?

You don't have to solve it all in one day. It is going to be a process. But you are moving towards being free of marriage and polyship hooha so you can be a healthier, stronger person. Which benefits both you and your kids. That's a good thing.

It doesn't sound like an unsolveable problem. It is a big problem that requires you to come to a decision about what your current mission is. Sounds like you have that.

Next it is about identifying and organizing the rest of the actions to support each of those mini goals. Make the "to do list" for each. Your counselor can help you with your thought process and help you figure out what other help you may need along the way. Your lawyer/mediator can help you with your legal process.

Once planning stage is done? You work to achieve the steps to support and knock out the mini goals.

Once all the goals are knocked out, you have completed the mission.

You can do this. One thing at a time.

Hang in there.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-03-2014 at 03:50 PM.
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Old 02-03-2014, 02:16 PM
poobah123 poobah123 is offline
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 48

wow just wow. Thank you for the advice. I really find the poly community literally the best and most knowledgable people about relationships that exists today.

As if things couldn't get worse, I woke up this morning and my wife wants to move to another state where it is warm. We live in NJ. Big argument on that. She does have a good heart and wants things to work out. I will give her that. Although I don't know if its because she "needs" me to support her or truly wants to be my partner.

The fatal attraction thing was brought up last night by my brother I when I read and study the description its exactly what it is. My OSO sent me a message complaining that I didn't send her any messages in the past 3 hours. So I replied with "I'm sorry but I like time to myself sometimes" and she got angry and flew off the handle. I just don't feel that that represents a healthy relationship.

I agree with your recommendations. It will be a process and a challenging one at that but I CAN do it.

Thanks and much love!

Last edited by poobah123; 02-03-2014 at 02:44 PM. Reason: clarfication again!
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Old 02-03-2014, 03:24 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,345

You are welcome. Glad you feel a bit better.

As to the rest... Worse for who?

OSO: Pay attention to me even though you are under duress!
you: No. Not at this time. (You did that -- so good for you!)
OSO: (expresses disappointment inappropriately at you with freaking out stuff.)
you: No, thank you. Please learn to express disappointment appropriately. Please do not shout at me. This is not appropriate.

wife: Let's move away from NJ!
you: No, thank you. This is not appropriate time to consider moving to another state. Please do not add to the load we already have.Please focus on task at hand.
Disappointing day for THEM maybe, but not necessarily for you. You cannot get rid of ALL your stress today. Limit of the Universe. You have a lot going on. But you can REDUCE new incoming stress!

Could say "No" to things coming across your desk. Could even say it nicely. "No, thank you. Not at this time." There. Done. Then suggest the behavior to do and the behavior not to do. You are a parent - I'm guessing you have done "traffic cop" with your children before.
"No, thank you. You may not stick boogers on the couch. You may get a tissue."
Maybe that could serve you here with your partners? Detach a bit and just "traffic cop" responses to reduce incoming stress.

Right now you want some time to yourself to think and sort. So... create it! Learning to say "no" firmly is an awesome skill. Makes saying "Yes!" all that much more pleasurable!

You can do this. Hang in there!

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-03-2014 at 03:53 PM.
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Old 02-04-2014, 11:21 PM
Squashking Squashking is offline
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 61

Poobah, sorry to hear about your struggles.

In many ways I understand exactly what you are going through. Quads are complicated that way and in my experience (my wife and I are in a quad with another couple), relationships between metamours I find to be extra challenging. I guess I find them to evoke more far more emotion such as anger when encountering challenges.

The push-pull you are feeling is something I have definitely had to deal with many times. If you try to avoid being caught between them you get accused of not being supportive. You walk a fine line with a tons of broken egg shells behind you.

But here's the thing... in the moment it's easy to say "i'm done! I can't do this anymore". But what tends to stop you from making that decision is what you lose. It's only once you calm down you realize it. I heard that statement before, heck I have even said it myself. But no one in our quad can bring themselves to announce it because deep down everyone deeply loves each other. Most of the time a short break is all you need. You have been together for 3 years... despite the ups and downs there is probably a lot of love there.

What I find the best to do is to focus on my wife and allow her the time/space to vent (not an easy task :-)). I try to hold back my opinions and listen. Then as she calms down I can slowly introduce my thoughts to the situation to defuse the issue. And oh ya... I don't speak ill about ANYONE cause that always comes full circle somehow :-).

I don't quite relate to some comments here... when problems escalate and anger and hurt feelings arise, a lot of shitty things get said such as threats, ultimatums, boundaries, etc... I only consider these comments serious when people are calm and have had the time to consider their wants/needs.

Sounds to me the girls may need a weekend away to reconnect.

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Old 02-07-2014, 03:05 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 127

Poobah, you quite alarmed me with "my OSO has a fatal attraction (obsession) with me."

I am wondering, what is it about YOUR needs that you got so close with a person like this? Would you say you have a strong need for attention, admiration, flattery? Things that you may not be getting much of from your wife?

Is it possible that you have been in denial about toxic or frightening behavior from your OSO, because of needs you have that she is fulfilling? Is it possible that your wife has reasons to dislike your OSO that go beyond simple jealousy (and the fact that OSO enabled and participated in the initial, dishonest affair)?

Do you think your wife genuinely cares about her boyfriend, your OSO's husband? If so, she must be feeling pretty desperate if she is willing to dump him to get OSO out of your life. And move to another state. Pretty drastic moves, IMO. What is fueling her desperation here?
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Old 02-07-2014, 07:19 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
I agree... If my husband Butch came at me with this ultimatium he would be the one being dumped.
Yep.. as a rule, i don't do ultimatums well.. I tend to resent the one throwing it at me..

For the record, just because the sentence stood out to me.. introverts and extroverts don't naturally live at odds. They can be quite harmonious actually. I am in a quad with 1 introvert, 1 ambivert and 2 extroverts. We get along quite well respecting our differences.
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