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Old 02-05-2014, 08:33 AM
kangarookid kangarookid is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Question Start dating a mutual friend

Hi all!

This is my first post. I checked a bunch of others and it seems like a great community.

My partner (B) and I (Married for almost 9 years) have just started to have an open relationship. Previously we were swingers, but never dated people or had romantic relationships outside each other. She is not sure she is poly yet, but she has already had quite a bit of fun on her first date, so we will see what happens.

We have kept things totally honest and open - when, who, how, why we are interested in people. We even chat about our dates.

I have been going out with one woman for a few weeks and it's been pretty fun and B has been fine with as far as I know. Today I mentioned that I had talked to a mutual friend we have (for the last 9 years) about poly, and the friend expressed interest in possibly dating.

B is worried it will negatively impact their friendship or at least put a strain on it. I don't have to date the other woman, but I would really like to especially since we are leaving the country in about 3 months and I know I won't have the chance again. I also know the other woman will have no problem continuing to be friends with my partner.

I'm not going to force it because it's not worth the relationship harm between anyone of us. I do love the other woman, though, and I was pretty excited to be able to have what would be a really rewarding polycule. Obviously, it wouldn't be rewarding if it was causing a rift, though.

My question is, what can I do to make this easier? Does anyone have experience in the transition from old mutual friend to new partner?

Sorry if this has been addressed. I couldn't find any matches when I searched.

Thanks in advance. Much love to ya'll!
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Old 02-05-2014, 12:51 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,584

So your wife has a new bf, you have a gf, you want to date a friend you share with your wife as well, PLUS you're moving in 3 months and then all these relationships (potential and actual) will be moot?

Do you really need to have sex with this mutual friend just before moving and seeing her less if never again?
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
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Old 02-05-2014, 03:32 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 838

A rewarding polycule for whom? Is she really benefitting? Will she be a long distance lover after you move requiring her to spend a great deal of money keeping the relationship going or what? Because I don't see how this rewards her at all or if starting a relationship is a loving thing to do at this point. I rue the day when I started a relationship with a couple about to move very far away, it has been a painful journey and is ultimately more selfish than loving. Don't be that person.
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Old 02-05-2014, 05:32 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by kangarookid View Post
. . . I was pretty excited to be able to have what would be a really rewarding polycule.
Well, that's nice, except that a "really rewarding polycule" sounds like an object to obtain or goal to reach instead of what it really entails - flesh-and-blood people enmeshing their lives with all their feelings, desires, baggage, hurts, societal and familial programming, needs, wishes, etc. mixed in.

Ask yourself what you have to offer this woman. What benefit would she get out of being involved with you? Could it be enough for her to possibly only have a short-term fling for less than 90 days? It is more than just how it benefits you and your wife.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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