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Old 01-31-2014, 11:39 PM
OnTheCusp OnTheCusp is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 25
Default Need help connecting better with my metamour

I am married and currently have a BF. BF has a GF. Everyone is poly, though my husband and I are new to it.

I really like my metamour, and she likes me. We've always gotten along well, and do things together without the BF around. She doesn't have a jealous bone in her body and is genuinely happy for our BF and me and our relationship.

BF wants to make sure that GF and I continue to stay relatively close to each other, which in itself isn't a problem at all. What IS a problem is that even though she and are are very similar in temperament and personality, she's even more of an introvert than I am, which is going some. We can sit together in a room and knit without speaking. We go shopping and I'm wracking my brain for things to talk about, which is difficult for me, being an introvert myself.

I'd love to do something with her that's just plain fun, but I can't tell what excites her, or makes her giddy and happy, because she's so low key. I asked BF, and he said he'd have to think about it. I asked her, too, but she hasn't sent an answer as yet.

We've gone out for coffee, had shopping trips, made dinner and watched movies while BF was out with his other (now former) GF.

Does anybody have any thoughts about what else I can do? She's a great girl, and I'm happy to be her friend. I'm just worried that I'm not doing enough.
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Old 01-31-2014, 11:47 PM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,414

If she's more introverted than you why do you want to do extroverted things with her? You're both happy with quiet activities, so don't spoil them with forced conversation or a search for excitement just because society has decided that only extroverted activities are fun.
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Old 02-01-2014, 03:57 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,818

Only she can answer your question.

As an INTJ I would hate forced socialization.
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
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Old 02-01-2014, 06:19 AM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

Your boyfriend needs to be thankful you get on as well as you do. Why don't you learn to sit quietly and be satisfied? Why does she have to change?
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Old 02-01-2014, 10:55 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

I agree with why try to force extrovert activities on you or her?
If you are both happy sitting and knitting-then sit and knit.

Conversation is great. But silence is too-if it's comfortable.
If you are both comfortable-don't try to fix what's working...
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 02-02-2014, 04:56 PM
OnTheCusp OnTheCusp is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 25

Thanks. To be clear, I certainly didn't say anything about trying to force extrovert activities on her. I was simply asking for advice about how to figure out what she likes.

As I said, I'm an introvert, too, but I know that there are things that I find exciting or that I enjoy, and I'd like to know what those things are for her. I'm happy to sit and knit, but was just thinking that there might be more I could do.

We'll figure it out.
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Old 02-03-2014, 08:45 PM
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MsChristy MsChristy is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 90

What about next time you two do an activity together you have her be the one pick the activity? Perhaps she has a hobby you could perform with her to try to get to know her better?

I got to say, while things with my metamour are improving, I am kind of jealous of the great sounding relationship you two have. Kudos to both of you.
MsChristy- married female
C-my husband
H-my partner
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Old 02-03-2014, 09:01 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North Idaho
Posts: 346

Presently I'm in a situation where not only does my metamour want girlie bonding time she and her spouse (my husband's metamour) want family bonding time. I'm not ready for it. I feel like I'm getting pushed to do what everyone else wants but not what is comfortable to me. That's when I realized I just have to tell all involved (and really, I should only be telling my husband as my relationship is with him, not them) that I am not ready for this type of interaction at this time.

Don't push her because, speaking from experience, my moments of compersion have disappeared, which may affect her as well. As others within the forum have stated, move at the slowest pace.
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