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Old 01-28-2014, 05:29 PM
lnms06 lnms06 is offline
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Location: Central Illinois
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Default Seeking our unicorn

My husband and I are seeking a female. We are new to the scene, and have pretty clear cut ideas of what we want and don't want. We definitely do not want another couple! We are strictly looking for another female, or hell, two females. Lol. We are hoping to find someone we hit it off with, see what happens, and make it a long term thing. We recently had our first and only threesome, with another female. It was great. But it was her first time as well, and she feels as though she might cause problems or get attached to one of us, so she is very hesitant for a repeat. So obviously, we are looking for someone comfortable with the whole idea, and not afraid to get close, without causing drama. We are very secure in our relationship. And we LOVE the adrenaline, curiosity, sexual intensity and spice this brought! Any pointers on proceeding? How to approach people? Any advice on what to avoid? I'll take anything you can throw at us to help.
We are a very good looking couple, both 30 years old, and would like someone not much older than us, and not too young. Looking forward to any and all replies!! Thank you.
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Old 01-28-2014, 07:30 PM
northhome northhome is offline
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Location: Scandinavia
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Originally Posted by lnms06 View Post
Seeking our unicorn
You are very brave to choose a title like that in a forum like this....
Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world.

- Tao Te Ching
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Old 01-28-2014, 07:48 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 519

I'll get my small rant out of the way:

You want a girl to be join you as a couple. You and everyone else. I'm a potential unicorn, that is I'm willing to date a couple. I see these ads all the time. And NOT ONCE have I ever seen the couple showing me what they have to offer me. It's all about them.


Dating a couple is risky. I might fall in love with the husband, and get kicked out by the wife, if I refuse to be intimate with her. I might develop attachments-- and find it difficult to find a "legitimate" partner who is accepting of my poly relationship. I might have issues telling friends and family. Unicorns get burned, frequently, and as a result, can shy away from future attempts.

It's a big thing you're asking for; what are you willing to give in return?
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Old 01-28-2014, 10:08 PM
lnms06 lnms06 is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Central Illinois
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I completely understand your reasoning behind our rant.
I apologize if my post came across as us wanting what we want and that's all. That is not the fact. We have discussed the whole situation 100's of times prior to acting on anything, and our main priority is everyone's comfort, and definitely the fact that we don't want ANYONE feeling left out. We are adults, and agreeing to do this requires that we be ready and prepared for anything. We obviously want To fulfill this again....but ultimately only if its the "right" girl and we hit it off. Our other main thing, is that we DO NOT want multiple females, or random one night stands. I see many couples posting for hookups! This is not our intention....we want a companion with similar interests! Not only will this female want respect for their potential lover....she deserves it and from both of us! We will consistently treat you as an equal....and NEVER want her to be treated as an object or toy. Thank you for your feedback!! I can honestly say we are very different from the millions of other couples. Much higher risk with random multiple hookups!
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Old 01-28-2014, 10:47 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Location: Metro West Massachusetts
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No,your quest is common as can be, on this board!

Please read this article: "So Someone Called You a Unicorn Hunter?"

Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
Kahlo (my ex, 46)
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Old 01-29-2014, 12:11 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 14,974

Greetings lnms06,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

As far as where and how to look for "potential unicorn candidates," there's a few poly-friendly dating sites:
We also have a Dating & Friendships subforum that can be useful for your search.

Buuut ... might want to consider removing the word "unicorn" from your vocabulary; it means Bad Things to some people and may misrepresent what you have in mind. Perhaps you might try an ad along the lines of, "We are hoping to become an MFF triad?"

Besides the article Magdlyn mentioned, consider also reading A Proposed Secondary's Bill of Rights.

I'm sure your motives are sincere, just make sure that potential candidates know you are 100% prepared to treat them as an equal and be flexible towards their situation and needs.

Hope this helps.
Kevin T., "official greeter"


There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 01-29-2014, 03:52 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Dear unicorn seekers,

From what you wrote, I am not sure if you are only looking for a long-term sexual partner for threesomes, who will not become emotionally involved, or someone to be a romantic/love partner also. Your post does come across like you are only looking for threesomes, so I gotta wonder why you came to a polyamory site for that. But if you are open to more than sex, here is some info on unicorns and unicorn-hunting that, hopefully, will help you...

First of all, unicorns are mythical creatures. They do not exist. Just because a bi woman is, has been, or would like to be, in a triad doesn't mean she is a unicorn - to call her that doesn't make sense if you think about it. If she exists, she can't be a unicorn! The terms "unicorn" and "unicorn hunter" came about in poly circles as a way to illustrate the futility of the very unrealistic dream certain couples always seem to chase after - basically it is a put-down, directed toward the couple, which is usually a male and female, and married. The stereotype is that the mythical "hot bi babe" (or HBB) is always expected to love both partners equally (as if you could order your love like a sandwich at the deli), move in with them, share in household chores and childcare, service both of them sexually, and not have any other relationships with anyone else but them. No self-respecting single bisexual woman would voluntarily call herself a unicorn, knowing this. The phrase is derogatory (against the couple).

And here's why: many newbie couples want to find a HBB to fulfill a role that is focused on satisfying their desires, AND they tend to operate as if the couple is one unit, and not two individuals (gah!). The "unicorn"/HBB is expected to "join their relationship" instead of individually exploring the potential relationships before them at her own pace (remember, there are four different relationships that can evolve separately over time among three people) and according to her own heart. It's a "Two Plus One" mentality, which is rather distasteful. If three people are in a triad relationship -- in reality, it is "One Plus One Plus One." And the couples always seem to forget that it isn't only the HBB who could develop more intense feelings for only one person in the couple and not the other - but one of the already established couple could find themselves enthralled, euphoric, and developing very intense feelings for the HBB. Suddenly their long-established partner feels unwanted - or "left out" because they believe they have to be included in everything all the time! No autonomy allowed! Ugh.

Anyway, it's not that great relationships can't happen among three people, if developed naturally, nor that there aren't any single people looking to be in relationship with a couple. It's that "seeking a unicorn" is a ridiculously impossible ideal to realize. Whenever we hear about relationships of three or four people that succeed (and they do!), it is always that those relationships "just happened," and simply "fell into place," and are never the result of advertising for a woman to fit into their lives like a puzzle-piece. Unicorn hunting is not something to aspire to or be proud of. Of course,the term isn't applied to every couple that gets involved with a single bi woman, but when it is used, it is a criticism of their approach - prescribed, instead of naturally occurring.

See, anytime you put emphasis on a role first, and then try to fit a person into that role, it will most likely fail - and disastrously so - simply because fitting a human being into one's unrealistic expectations about how the person and the relationship should go, negates that person's individuality and denies a natural progression in relating to others. This applies to many relationships, not just the unicorn-hunting ones.

So, again it isn't a triad, per se, that is mythical or never works out if it happens naturally instead of in a prescribed way. It is the fantasies of the unicorn-hunting couple, not the relationship configuration nor the actual woman herself, that is a highly unrealistic pipe-dream.

I recommend you read the following threads for some more info and enlightenment. They contain contributions from people on both sides of the equations:

Added to, Joining In

Why Is it So Hard?

advice for couple seeking third

What's in it for a unicorn?

I Hope I'm Not Naive

Hope this helps in some way.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 01-29-2014 at 03:11 PM.
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Old 01-29-2014, 09:19 AM
london london is offline
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Location: UK - land of the free
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Old 01-29-2014, 01:54 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 519

For whatever reason, I decided to check out the, "Am I Naive" thread. Have to admit I was pretty amused at the 23 yr old and 19 yr old's hope that "one day down the road" they would find the right woman.

Young people.... SMH
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Old 01-29-2014, 02:07 PM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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Location: Eastern US...
Posts: 182

Loved your response, NYCindie...
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unicorn hunter

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