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Old 01-25-2014, 01:57 PM
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TrinityLove3 TrinityLove3 is offline
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Question Tri-ing to make this work!

Hello, my name is Jay, and I'm in a mff triune (somewhat committed) relationship with my wife and our gf. I need some practical advice from others who face the same or similar issues or challenges we face. Without boring you all with a drawn out story lol the short-short version goes like this. We are all in love with each other and want to be together forever, but we are in a situation where our gf is currently married but is unhappy (obviously) and has two kids with him (7 & 5yrs old). I have known our gf since highscool and have been married for 10 years (this coming summer). We feel stuck in an no-win situation, because my wife n I have 3 kids (7, 5, and 10 months), and want to be together, but the women are so scared of the impact on the kids, between what they will understand and think/feel, as well and more importantly the community and possible judicial system (if/when they get divorced). We live in NJ and I guess I just don't see this huge negative impact on the kids as they do, and it is the #1 major issue standing in our way with being together. I am just trying to figure out a way we can be together, and ease their worries and fears, but don't know how to do that. Any advice is welcomed. There are obviously more details, and I will reveal them as they become relevant to the advice, cuz this is already so long lol. Thank you.
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Old 01-25-2014, 04:14 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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That's tough. Divorce is very hard on kids, so it is wise not to rush the decision. That said, depending on the nature of the relationship between your gf and her husband - that may also be hard on the kids (lots of yelling and screaming, disrespect, etc).

I think in order to separate out the issues, your gf needs to ask herself if she would want to be divorced if she didn't have you and your wife waiting in the wings.

Also, is your gf's husband poly? Is he also unhappy in the marriage? Or does he think everything is fine and dandy?

And if I were you, I would study the divorce laws in your state. Could poly be used against her or is it a non-issue, etc.
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Old 01-25-2014, 06:30 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TrinityLove3 View Post
I'm in a mff triune (somewhat committed) relationship with my wife and our gf . . . We are all in love with each other and want to be together forever, but we are in a situation where our gf is currently married but is unhappy (obviously) and has two kids with him . . .
Why "obviously?" It wouldn't be an obvious thing to me that she is unhappy in her marriage. Do you mean that obviously she must be unhappy in her marriage since she is involved with you and your wife? As if happily married people (like you and your wife) would not have other relationships? This kind of wording makes me wonder if everything is above board between her and her husband.

Is your girlfriend's husband fully aware of and consenting to her relationship with you and your wife? Or is she cheating on him with you two? Each situation could impact a divorce in different ways.
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Old 01-25-2014, 06:32 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Are you talking about "living together" or "being out" or "both?" I am not cleary on that.

I am guessing "cohabitating." I could guess wrong. But if this is about living together? My suggestion is...
  • Don't cohabitate at this divorcing time.
  • "Get GF through the divorce transition well" could be main priority at this time. That's enough change without changing other stuff!
  • Take steps to have GF live CLOSER for a time instead so childcare/divorce support might be easier to provide for the GF. (Ex: apartment down the street. That buys her time/stability of a year lease while free to pick a new home later down.)
  • This also gives opportunity for the kids to be relating/interacting more often "close up" and alleviate the "kid fear" thing in the women.
  • This also gives the adults opportunity to see if you are right/wrong about not sharing their concerns to the same degree they weight them at about "community reaction"
  • This also alleviates some of the concern with "triad = divorce weapon"

Could always move again later if you want to live in a house with a mess of kids (if your zoning laws allow X unrelated people to be in the same dwelling) once the divorce issues are laid to rest.

Or if the triads wants to live together once the kids are grown and moved out.

You can still be "together forever" the whole time through your various life processes and transitions.

You don't have to be doing all your various life processes and transition out of the same house.

Galagirl
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Old 01-26-2014, 04:14 AM
Mackmisty Mackmisty is offline
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Default good advice

Galagirl gives good advice. Take on one issue at a time. Get the divorce done then slowly integrate the two families. My husband and I did that with our wife. Our teenage children know all about us, but her younger children do not. We moved her next door to us so we all spend lots of time together. Eventually the kids will see how close we all are and so when they are older, they will not be bothered by it. We are planning to get one large house together down the road. We each have our attributes and we compliment each other very well.
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Old 01-27-2014, 05:28 PM
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TrinityLove3 TrinityLove3 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
That's tough. Divorce is very hard on kids, so it is wise not to rush the decision. That said, depending on the nature of the relationship between your gf and her husband - that may also be hard on the kids (lots of yelling and screaming, disrespect, etc).

I think in order to separate out the issues, your gf needs to ask herself if she would want to be divorced if she didn't have you and your wife waiting in the wings.

Also, is your gf's husband poly? Is he also unhappy in the marriage? Or does he think everything is fine and dandy?

And if I were you, I would study the divorce laws in your state. Could poly be used against her or is it a non-issue, etc.
Yes, we are trying to figure it all out as we go. Her husband is not technically poly. He was with us in a foursome, for about a year. Then their marriage took a dive...I fell for his wife and though he somewhat fell for mine, that wasn't reciprocated by my wife, and he withdrew. We split up, and didn't talk to her for two years...almost three. Until she notified us they were getting divorced. I haven't looked into the state laws for poly affects on divorce...but, not even sure where to start with something like that.
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Old 01-27-2014, 05:34 PM
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TrinityLove3 TrinityLove3 is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Why "obviously?" It wouldn't be an obvious thing to me that she is unhappy in her marriage. Do you mean that obviously she must be unhappy in her marriage since she is with you and your wife? As if happily married people (like you and your wife) would not have other relationships? This kind of wording makes me wonder if everything is above board between her and her husband.

Is your girlfriend's husband fully aware of and consenting to her relationship with you and your wife? Or is she cheating on him with you two? Each situation could impact a divorce in different ways.
You are correct. It wouldn't be obvious to most on here. If you had known the whole story, that would've been more appropriate, but you don't...so, it wasn't. I apologize for that. As for his knowledge about her and us is nearly nothing. Currently our relationship with her, is an affair. He would go nuts, and knows we talk to her again and see her on occasion, but does everything he can to intimidate her or manipulate the situation to make it that much harder for her to talk to or see us. He thinks we are just friends, because that's what she insists on. He has his suspicions, but nothing concrete. We are quite unsure how to proceed.
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Old 01-27-2014, 07:59 PM
Razorbacktat Razorbacktat is offline
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Having had some experience in this my advice s slow down, slow down, slow the f down. If the marital problems are hers and have nothing to do with the two of you try and back off as far as possible. Be a friend until she is sure that divorce is what she wants. If it is the relationship that the three of you have then honesty is the best policy.

As far as the kids just let the situation play out as best as you can. We have been working on our triad now for three years. We are just now at a place where we understand that there are restrictions placed on the relationship because of the societal norms. You have to go slow and let the others affected by this, the kids and her ex, who can't be too surprised, gradually get used to the three of you. I hope it all works out, but going slow will not hurt anything and will allow the three of you to make sound adult decisions after carefully analyzing the effect each move will have on others.

As for the overwhelming desire to all be together, my advice is do it as often as you can without causing issues. Go camping, out of town on trips, dates ect. You really have to live poly to understand all the complications. Gradually bring kids along as a big family and before you know it you may find yourself in the middle of a big happy poly pod.

Good luck
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Old 01-28-2014, 12:03 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TrinityLove3 View Post
Yes, we are trying to figure it all out as we go. Her husband is not technically poly. He was with us in a foursome, for about a year. Then their marriage took a dive...I fell for his wife and though he somewhat fell for mine, that wasn't reciprocated by my wife, and he withdrew. We split up, and didn't talk to her for two years...almost three. Until she notified us they were getting divorced. I haven't looked into the state laws for poly affects on divorce...but, not even sure where to start with something like that.
It appears they have decided upon divorce during the time you were not part of their lives. So while she may have had a feeling you two would be there for her if things went south, you were not actively involved during the deterioration and decision.

If I were you, I would keep your relationship separate until all has been finalized with the divorce. Have her rent a place near you, but do not start cohabiting until it is all said and done. Give him no ammo. It will make things much easier on her in regard to the divorce.

One thing you could check, is your state a no fault divorce state? If so, the courts aren't going to care if she was having an affair etc. However, they may care about the welfare of the kids and poly may be viewed negatively in that regard. So again, I would proceed slowly until the divorce is final.
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Old 01-28-2014, 08:51 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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I have a friend who was emotionally separated from her husband (and partially physically separated) from him, he had hopes of reconciliation, my hope was that my friend get out of the situation and be somewhat independent, alas at an event we were at she met some other guy, I warned her, do not contact, don't get involved with someone before you are properly finished with your marriage, she ignored me and what happened? One psycho and resentful ex threatening to take their son from her and not bring him back and her clinging to this rebound relationship moving it whirlwind forward.

Nothing is more depressing. Stay away, stay away....
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