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Old 01-24-2014, 11:51 PM
XCountrygirl XCountrygirl is offline
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Default Time to stop lurking and introduce myself

Hi all,

I've been lurking and reading for some time now, and thought it was time for an introduction.

I'm new to poly. I have always known that I'm not cut out for the traditional one man -one woman til death do us part model, and have been known to swear, in my younger days, that I would never commit and marry one man - I just didn't see how it could be done. Of course, I married my college sweetheart after seven years of dating, and then three years, divorced him. Swore I wouldn't marry yet again, then met my current hubby and married him. We've just celebrated our 11th anniversary.

Then I met JF (I will refer to him by his initials as he shares the same first initial as my husband, whom I will refer to as Mr. Xcountrygirl). We were in an event together, and I was strongly attracted to him from the start. As we continued to spend more and more time together, it was apparent that the attraction was mutual. Throughout our conversation, I discovered that he is in an open marriage and his wife is bi and actively dating outside the marriage, while JF isn't, and although he can, he has never acted upon this. Until me.

To avoid making this long, I was less than honest with my husband, and didn't tell JF that Mr. Xcountrygirl didn't know the full extent of our relationship. Of course, Hubby found out, and all hell broke loose, with him threatening divorce. After some and painful talking, Mr. Xcountrygirl has decided to allow me to continue my relationship with JF, with some rules in place. He said he would rather do that than end our marriage. He is an amazing man and I don't deserve him. I know this situation isn't ideal for starting my first poly relationship, but since then we have been open and painfully honest, JF included.

So, I went from thinking I couldn't love to being in love with two men. I will admit that I'm still in the NRE stage with JF, and struggling with how to deal with the fact that I can't see JF as much as I want, to wondering if all this is worth it and the pain I'm inflicting on Mr. Xcountrygirl as he struggles to make sense of it all. I'm also dealing with jealousy pains as I know that I am very secondary in terms of JF and his wife and two kids, and trying to make sure that Mr. Xcountrygirl is feeling loved and appreciated, as one of the "rules" we have is that he, my husband, is primary and JF is secondary. JF is incredibly supportive through this all, and has been instrumental in helping me understand this life choice I have made.

I'm struggling with (among many, many other things) the fact that we have to be super secretive about this. Mr. Xcountrygirl is a high ranking military officer in the Special Operations world, and even a breath of this could result in legal action, with him possibly ending his career. Both JF and I work in education, i being a high school English teacher, so we also can't risk discovery. JF has a wonderful wife whom I am getting to be friends with, and he can share the joys of our relationship with her. They are also both a part of the kink community. So, there is another outlet for him. I have none. I cannot share with anybody for fear of somehow hurting my husband, so this is why I chose to introduce myself on this board - to have others to talk to about my loves.

I'm sure I'll be posting more in the future, but I wanted to say "hi".

Btw, I'm heterosexual, with no interest in women. Mr. Xcountrygirl is also straight, as is JF, although JF has dabbled in trios with his wife and her FWB, and at kink parties, which is a source of discomfort for me, but I'm dealing with it. I guess I'm the hinge of a V? Can it be a V if Mr. Xcountrygirl isn't poly? JF is only interested in having the two relationships (his wife and me), but his wife has her FWBs, her boyfriend, and her conference hook-ups. However, she isn't interested in me, so I guess that makes us a V?
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  #2  
Old 01-25-2014, 02:39 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by XCountrygirl View Post
Hi all,
Hello and Welcome!

Quote:
Originally Posted by XCountrygirl View Post
I have always known that I'm not cut out for the traditional one man -one woman til death do us part model, and have been known to swear, in my younger days, that I would never commit and marry one man - I just didn't see how it could be done.
I hear you sister! I also thought I'd never even commit to having a boyfriend - then I also married my college sweetheart, MrS (but "poly" was always part of the conversation - even though we started with a OPP - One Penis Policy). Happily, for me, I'm still married to mine (will be 22 years this summer - and we no longer have an OPP )

Quote:
Originally Posted by XCountrygirl View Post
Then I met JF ... We were in an event together, and I was strongly attracted to him from the start. As we continued to spend more and more time together, it was apparent that the attraction was mutual...To avoid making this long, I was less than honest with my husband, and didn't tell JF that Mr. Xcountrygirl didn't know the full extent of our relationship. Of course, Hubby found out, and all hell broke loose, with him threatening divorce. After some and painful talking, Mr. Xcountrygirl has decided to allow me to continue my relationship with JF,
Some of this is very reminiscent of my early experiences with Dude (which you can read about in my "Journey" blog here if you like - mine and MrS's "painful talking" took 3 months - with no Dude)

Quote:
Originally Posted by XCountrygirl View Post
I know this situation isn't ideal for starting my first poly relationship, but since then we have been open and painfully honest, JF included.
No, not ideal (we are, after all, only human - we make mistake - life seldom matches the "ideal") - but at least possible. "Open and painfully honest" is really the only way to proceed from this point...it still may ultimately not work, but it is, I think, the ONLY way to give it a fighting chance.

Quote:
Originally Posted by XCountrygirl View Post
I'm sure I'll be posting more in the future, but I wanted to say "hi".
Thank you for sharing your story with us...I look forward to reading more.

Quote:
Originally Posted by XCountrygirl View Post
I guess I'm the hinge of a V? Can it be a V if Mr. Xcountrygirl isn't poly? JF is only interested in having the two relationships (his wife and me), but his wife has her FWBs, her boyfriend, and her conference hook-ups. However, she isn't interested in me, so I guess that makes us a V?
Yes, it can be a V if Mr.Xcountrygirl isn't poly - there are actually a few overlapping V's: the JF-you-Mr.Xcountry V with you as the hinge, then the is the you-JF-MrsJF V with JF as the hinge (you are an "arm" in that V), then there are whatever Vs there might be with JF-MrsJF -others with her as the hinge. etc, etc.

JaneQ

Just as an aside:
Quote:
Originally Posted by XCountrygirl View Post
JF has dabbled in trios with his wife and her FWB, and at kink parties, which is a source of discomfort for me
- I'm curious as to why you think this is a source of discomfort for you. Is it the thought of JF being with someone else other than you and his wife sexually? Is it the idea of group sex? Is it the kink/party aspect? Figuring out what it is that bothers you about this may help you in "dealing with it"

Also:
Quote:
Originally Posted by XCountrygirl View Post
He is an amazing man and I don't deserve him.
- I believe you that he is an amazing man (and I'm assuming for other reasons than just this) BUT, in fact, it is entirely possible that YOU are an amazing woman and DO deserve him. (After all, two great guys seem to like/love you and are willing to work with you on this, sometimes painful, journey - you must be a pretty special lady to be worth all that!)

JQS
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #3  
Old 01-25-2014, 04:28 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Greetings XCountrygirl,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I definitely recommend the Life stories and blogs board, it will give you some helpful reading material, and give you a perfect chance to tell your story as well. There are many people who have walked the path you're on (or parallel paths at least), and most of us have started out by making mistakes I think.

I'm sure the good folks here will continue to help you get the answers to any of your questions. Explore our site a bit, and find out what boards and threads especially call to you. Read read read, and don't forget to post as well.

I think a little bit of (envy or) jealousy is normal; things aren't exactly equal so it is easy to compare. It's not easy to have to hide a poly relationship when you're in the midst of NRE, but try your best and have patience.

Good luck and I hope you'll enjoy your stay here.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
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Old 01-26-2014, 03:50 AM
XCountrygirl XCountrygirl is offline
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Thank you both for the welcome. I have so many questions that I want to ask, but I'm wading through the mountains of information on here, first.

JaneQ, to answer your question about the discomfort I feel about the fact that my BF has gone and participated in kink parties and other group sex activities, it's mostly a fear of the unknown (is he bi and doesn't want to admit it to me? There's a lot of emotional baggage with me surrounding that), and a lot of jealousy. I am obviously willing to share him sexually with his wife, but not quite ready to accept it with others. Then, I struggle with the idea that if I don't want to share him with others, does that mean I'm not truly poly? So many things to figure out.

Anyway, thanks for the kind words and the welcome! I'm excited and so grateful to have like-minded others to share with.
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Old 01-26-2014, 06:48 AM
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dmaustjr dmaustjr is offline
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Hi and welcome!
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Old 01-27-2014, 01:44 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Just let us know of whatever questions you'd like to ask as they come up.
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