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Old 01-20-2014, 06:52 AM
WCoaster WCoaster is offline
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Default What should I expect my partner to share about me to others

I am recently in a new and very intimate communicative relationship. We both identify as polyamorous and have begun to refer to each other as "primary" as we are both looking for a very special solid relationship foundation to explore from.

We are currently communicating about anything we can think of that we feel needs to be dissected to help our mutual journey's thrive to the best of our abilities.

My partner was visiting me last week and mentioned she needed to reach out this woman who was a client but also spent a lot of time together after their sessions sharing tea and great conversations. It was shortly before when we normally head off to the bedroom when she made the call and it lasted for more than a couple of hours. The conversation sounded very fun friendly lots of laughing and ended with a commitment to make time to develop a friendship beyond their professional one and a date for later in the week.

I asked my partner after the call if this was someone she could see herself in a relationship with and she said she wasn't sure yet. The date day came, which would have been one of her free evenings for me but because of her busy schedule and feeling a little under the weather we decided to postpone my time until the next night. That morning my partner sent me a text saying that she would be coming to me after all in the evening after meeting her new friend. Fine, serendipitous for me.

Later that evening I get a message that there just finishing up and will be leaving after one more drink. This means about an hour or more later than we had planned. Ok fine, got lost in your new friendship wonderful. An hour and a half later I get a message that it is now too late to come and besides they have drank too much. Ok, a little choked now as I have been left waiting but still probably a sound decision but I am thinking "should have just left the original plan in place and waited a day to come". I then heard her say in passing that they up until the wee hours and now she is exhausted from the previous night and her cold is worse. Well, Yeah!

So now I have the privilege of taking care of my sick girl friend which was a very enjoyable thing in it's own way. We entertained some friends the next night and shared some time together for ourselves. Not nearly as much as usual but still it's ok.

At some point this morning I get an incredible feeling of discomfort and I know it is directed to towards my partner. I don't understand what the source is yet and decide to keep quiet until I have had a chance to process what I am feeling. Part of it is probably due to her informing me that she feels she is going to need the next 3 weeks to focus on a lot of changes she has to deal with in her life. I know about these things and they are big but I can't imagine them being all consuming. As she is getting ready to leave and we are futzing around the house the conversation returns to the date person and I ask again if this is someone she see becoming more intimate with. She is still unsure. I ask her if her new friend knew about me. She replied that she had told her that she was "dating people". I was shocked but still was uncertain what was causing the feelings so still chose to remain quiet.

We parted as usual and I know she could tell I was out of sorts and she tried to cheer me up with being flirty while we took her stuff out to the car and she said, "don't think that this means anything changes for us or that I will have no time for us."

Ok Summary and the questions if anyone actually makes it this far. Honestly the writing itself has helped.

1) Is telling others that she is "dating people" yet we dialogue about the joy of finding our Primary seem strange? It makes me feel slighted in some way but am I reading it wrong?
2) Should I have any expectations about how or when she shares information about me if any to other people whether or not she decides to become intimate with them?
3) Her blocking out a large section of time makes me feel odd as she has told me how she would block out more time than required with her ex husband to allow her more free time to herself. This I am sure we can dialogue through but stirs up a bit uncertainty with me.
4) Anything else anyone feels note worthy, both positive or negative, that I may not be picking up on?

Thank you for any advice in advance.
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Old 01-20-2014, 12:55 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Hi WCoaster, welcome to the board.

I see in your intro post, are a bi male in relationship with a female. She seems to be bi as well, since you are wondering if she is romantically interested in her new friend.

How long have you and gf been together? You've made the decision to be "primaries" even though you do not seem to know each other very well, do not live together or share finances, etc.

It seems like much she is saying and doing confuses you. And you seem to be slightly insulted she hasn't said specifically to her new potential, "I have a boyfriend, he is my primary."
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Old 01-20-2014, 03:50 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Quote:
What should I expect my partner to share about me to others?
Other people cannot know what is / is not important to share to you in polyshipping. Only you can.

You could articulate to yourself whatever you have decided you want shared. And what you do not want shared with others. (So far you want others to know you exist, and you want to be considered by her in her time management.)

Probably want participants or potential participants to know what open model relationship you all want to practice together. No point in you or her dating people who are seeking something else. That would not be compatible people.

Would expect her to inform her dating partners of that too, right?

Once you articulate your list of things to yourself? You could articulate it to your partner.
  • "Here's what I would like shared" list.
  • "This stuff I do not want shared" list.


Then you could ask you partner
  • "Could you be willing to share this information with each of your dating partners? Could you tell me WHEN will you be telling them this? So I can know everyone is being informed in timely manner, respected, and I can learn to trust you in this new role of "dating hinge" person in a polyship?"

If she responds with "Yes, I am willing to do that for each person I date" -- then you both could acknowledge you have an agreement. You can now expect her to keep your shared agreement.

If she responds with "No" then you know you cannot expect her to share this info. You do not have a shared agreement.
  • You could then re-evaluate the agreement to bring it to something you both can live with.
  • And/or you could re-evaluate whether or not you want to polyship with her without any agreements/expectations at all.

Up to you what you feel like participating in or not and how you participate in it.

Quote:
1) Is telling others that she is "dating people" yet we dialogue about the joy of finding our Primary seem strange? It makes me feel slighted in some way but am I reading it wrong?
Could ask her "Could you be willing to tell your dating partners I exist? So that I can feel better? I have found I feel slighted somehow when you do not disclose that."

Quote:
2) Should COULD I have any expectations about how or when she shares information about me if any to other people whether or not she decides to become intimate with them?
Could let go of "should" language. I suggest using "could."

Yes. Before you agree to polyship with her...
  • You could have expectations about how or when she shares information about you to her dating partners and make agreements there.
  • You could have expectations about what she shares with you/you are willing to hear about them and make agreements there.
  • You could expect to have other agreements between you may relate to sex share and healthy hygiene. Because what her safer sex practices are affect not just her health, but her lovers own health and well being.

Even "We expect nothing from each others' behavior -- we are all free agents" is an agreement with an expectation. Could sort out what your agreements will be.

Quote:
3) Her blocking out a large section of time makes me feel odd as she has told me how she would block out more time than required with her ex husband to allow her more free time to herself. This I am sure we can dialogue through but stirs up a bit uncertainty with me.
You could ask "Could you be willing to tell me you are blocking out time for free time, or to spend with your dating partner or whatever? Just up front? So we can be clear in time management?"

Quote:
4) Anything else anyone feels note worthy, both positive or negative, that I may not be picking up on?
Have you talked about how to deal in poly hell stuff? Because I see some starting to happen. Normal enough as you are figuring out the "new normal" since nobody is perfect. But could get it figured out and agreements made for handling those things so you don't have to be spending more UGH time than needed in the transition.

You seem bothered by her changing her plans on you a few times. You do not seem to articulate that directly to her at the time it happens.

List of behaviors I notice:


INTRUSION

It was shortly before when we normally head off to the bedroom, she made the call to the woman and it lasted for more than a couple of hours. (She could be present with you when with you. Do it later, or excuse herself to make a 10 min phone to make a date with her for a "phone visit" -- not spend hours on the line having the phone date NOW.)

DISPLACEMENT

The date with the woman came which would have been one of her free evenings for me. ( I'm initially fine with this but then here comes inconsiderateness...)
  • That morning my partner sent me a text saying that she would be coming to me after after meeting her new friend.
  • 1.5 hours after we planned, I get a message that they were just finishing up and will be leaving after one more drink.
  • 1.5 hours later, I get a message that it is now too late to come and besides they have drank too much.
  • Then she tells me they stayed up late and her cold is worse. Not coming.
  • Then she comes and I choose to tend a sick GF.

    (She could consider your time and not ping pong you. Be more decisive. So you could. Either you or her being more clearn in behavior or BOTH being clear spares you ping-pong.)

RESULTS

At some point this morning I get an incredible feeling of discomfort and I know it is directed to towards my partner. I don't understand what the source is yet.


To me feelings ensure after behaviors. I would guess you did not appreciate her behavior. Like... "When you make plans with me, I expect you to keep date or reschedule cleanly. I do not like being strung along doing phone ping pong all night."

And maybe you are a little bit upset with you for not calling her on it at the time. Esp after the 1.5 hrs the first time.

If both of you are WILLING to polyship but are finding you do not have all the skills to be ABLE to polyship smoothly yet -- could develop those before jumping into dating other people: emotional management, time management, disclosure agreements, what open relationship model you all want to practice, etc.


Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-20-2014 at 05:55 PM.
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Old 01-20-2014, 04:43 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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The perfect way to torpedo a new relationship.

"Hi I really like you but I have a primary boyfriend who wants to know every little detail about my other relationship and feels that you need to be told you are secondary to him."

Yeah I would tell someone to pound dirt...
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Old 01-20-2014, 05:16 PM
willowstar willowstar is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WCoaster View Post


1) Is telling others that she is "dating people" yet we dialogue about the joy of finding our Primary seem strange? It makes me feel slighted in some way but am I reading it wrong?
It is a good thing that she was up front about having other relationships in her life. "Dating" is a general term, and people can have different ideas about what "dating" is. This may be where you sense a disparity? You consider what you have with her a relationship, not just "dating". So, this is something you should clarify with her. Sounds like you would be more comfortable with her telling people that she has a boyfriend, but that she also dates others. This tells them right away that you are a factor...
And you can point out that by minimizing your relationship to others, she may be making the new person feel more comfortable by appearing more available for dating, but it does not honor your place in her life? Not that I think she was doing anything wrong, per se. Just that people have a tendency to make decisions about what they need in the moment, and are not always used to considering the whole picture.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WCoaster View Post
2) Should I have any expectations about how or when she shares information about me if any to other people whether or not she decides to become intimate with them?
I think that is up to her. It is her relationship, and she should have the freedom to decide when to share the info. I do think, however, it is completely appropriate to discuss with her in general reasons why she might not share the information.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WCoaster View Post
3) Her blocking out a large section of time makes me feel odd as she has told me how she would block out more time than required with her ex husband to allow her more free time to herself. This I am sure we can dialogue through but stirs up a bit uncertainty with me.
This seems like a technique she came up with because she needed more time to herself than the ex was willing to give? Or is she just uncomfortable asking and owning what she wants and needs for herself? You could help with that by making it safe for her to ask, and receive, what she needs. letting her know that she does not need to over-estimate for you.

Are you concerned that this is her way of making sure she has time for this other woman? Without having to take responsibility for telling you about it, or negotiating? Or are you feeling as though it is a distancing behavior, and that she is keeping you at arms length?

Either way, you could just ask her. Or, choose to just see how this time period plays out, and talk about it after, if anything comes up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WCoaster View Post
4) Anything else anyone feels note worthy, both positive or negative, that I may not be picking up on?

Thank you for any advice in advance.
I agree with Dagferi that she should not need to give anyone a "full report" on you, who you are, what your relationship status is, etc. This comes across as insecure, and you would be better served by exploring why you are feeling the need for this, and what purpose does it serve for her to do it? Ultimately, it is your need for this other person to know you are in her life, and a likely Primary relationship. At best, it is full disclosure. At the worst, it is territorial.

Best of luck, navigating all of this can be tricky, but hopefully also worth it!

Willow
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Bear-Maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out
Armadillo (formerly known as BF) - currently out of the picture. Depression is evil...
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Old 01-22-2014, 03:19 AM
WCoaster WCoaster is offline
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I just want to thank everyone for all the great thoughtful advice. It is exactly what I had hoped for. Lot's to work on still but I think we are up to it.

Galagirl,

I especially found the use of "Could" in my dialogue and thought processes to be so helpful. I could do a lot things but there are always options.

willowstar,

Thank you for the thoughtful alternative perspectives to ponder.

I do honestly believe that potential new partners need to know that there are actual relationships in place at some point. I also think that bridge should be crossed fairly early on. It is an integrity thing. I do not think it is right to lead someone along because you may interested in each other but they are proceeding in their process with out a full understanding of the way of things.
Complete honesty and open dialogue could be shared with everyone in our lives if our words and actions are going to affect their decisions.

I think that me wanting my partner to say I am something extra special is wrong thinking and I will figure that one out. I feel that it probably causes an unnecessary burden on the new relationship but so does denying or obscuring the facts.

Anyway thanks again and thanks for the links.
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Old 01-23-2014, 05:14 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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N doesn't share anything about me other than im fine with him seeing other people. Its really no one else's business ti know about me other than im not going to cone at them in some kind of jealous rage lol
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Old 01-24-2014, 01:51 AM
WCoaster WCoaster is offline
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Okay, so here is obviously a huge newb question. When do your other partners find out about each other? Birthdays? Christmas? Vacation time?

I am not sure I understand why it isn't anyone's business. I mean, yes I get that it is my one life to live as I see fit, but ultimately I want to share with my loved ones. Granted one could hardly call a person on a first date a loved one, but if I think I things might go further when/how have others dealt with that?

Editing this post as I just came upon an interesting thread. Though it is obviously to the extreme, it sort of speaks to my point.
Unknowing entry to the poly world

Thanks Again

Last edited by WCoaster; 01-24-2014 at 02:01 AM. Reason: Added information
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Old 01-24-2014, 02:00 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I am honest that I have other people in my life. But all my relationships are given equal consideration. What happens in said relationship is between those involved my other partners have no say how those relationship go. How i spend my time with each. How deep I fall in love.
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Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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Old 01-24-2014, 03:31 AM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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N knows any time im interested in meeting new people. He knows basic details of the people I'm seeing and he tells people very basic things about me but personal details about me? No it is none of their business. Im a student, I work fill time, I am not dating anyone right now, no im not jealous etc. Simple things he can share if they ask. But thats basic stustuff stuff anyone can find on facebook.

I might tell someone bi meet "im married, been together 5 years, we have 2 girls together, hes an artist and stay at home dad"
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Last edited by Inyourendo; 01-24-2014 at 03:33 AM.
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