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  #51  
Old 05-08-2014, 07:55 AM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Today was another amazing day, helped in part by Adderall. Not that we need it for our relationship, but when we both rake it, she becomes more lovey dovey and I focus on my own activities a lot more. With that little bit, we ended up doing errands together and feeling really super connected. She usually hates using the word relationship AT ALL, but today she told me some amazing things that I've wanted to hear for a long time. Holding hands more than we already do (which was a lot) and kissing more (which was a lot)...spending the evening playing board games with her sister and my best friend...being very complimentary of me and grabbing on to me.

And to top it all off she initiated sex...and we had a rip-roaring great time. Well done, us.

I know shes still texting other guys and having chats, but honestly I'm not focused on it. My feelings may change tomorrow, but for now things are A-ok.
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  #52  
Old 05-09-2014, 05:38 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Had a blast last night doing almost next to nothing. After Audrey helped me do an insane amount of yard work that I told her she didn't have to do, her sister, mother, sister's best friend and two other people came over to relax on my picturesque front porch. I put out cheese, bread, hummus, french fries, drinks of various kinds and a few desserts. The night went way into the morning when almost everyone left.

Audrey and I stayed up and her sister spent a long time opening up about their family's childhood and past with their terrible father. This girl is not the kind to reveal secrets at all and told me some highly emotional things that made her (and Audrey) very vulnerable. It ended up being an all-nighter and when her sister finally did go to sleep, Audrey told me that even she didn't know half the stuff that had been said. She also said that her sister already liked me, but must really, really trust me now...which made both of us happy. Being a part of their family, especially now that mine is totally gone, means so much to me.

As it turns out, earlier in the day Audrey had already posted the most amazing thing on her tumblr blog about me in response to an ask she got. What she wrote means a lot when you consider that she detests the word relationship, is very sparse with praise and effusive compliments, and thinks romance isn't necessarily essential to a good relationship (More like icing on the cake. Now great sex is different altogether.).

Quote:
do you ever want to marry the lawyer? or anyone? i bet your wedding would be so glamorous!


I love [Vanquish]. I enjoy spending time with him, I love that we make each other better (and sometimes worse. He wasn’t a procrastinator until he met me, haha), and we have a wonderful relationship. That said, we don’t want to get married. He’s freshly divorced, and I’m 20. Neither of us are looking to settle down anytime soon.

And we absolutely adore one another, but we aren’t fooling ourselves into thinking that we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together. That’s just unrealistic. Our wants and needs will change, and we’ll adjust accordingly. Could that possibly include marriage down the road? Anything’s possible, I guess, but I don’t really believe in marriage, and Alfie kind of has a “been there, done that, never again” mentality about it.

We have joked about having a fake wedding where it’s just a huge party that’s all about us, but we’re just kidding about it. You’re completely right, though, it would be the epitome of glamour, haha. Live swing band, open bar, dancing, he’d wear his vintage Givenchy tux, and I’d wear a gorgeous dress that I saw online once (which I’ll post if I can find it again/if you’re interested). It would definitely be a lavish affair. But we could just throw a party without the binding legal contract, haha. Maybe we’ll do that for our anniversary, even!

Sorry, off track. I didn’t mean to write a novel. Thank you for the sweet question!
Playing hooky from work again today to finish the yard work (to stave off the city who put a notice in my yard) and Audrey is super cuddly and connected to me.

Life is good.
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  #53  
Old 05-20-2014, 04:27 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Wow. I was posting pretty regularly there for awhile, but haven't posted in weeks. Well here goes.

Audrey and I are better than ever as a couple. We've attended some parties and family get togethers and are becoming a more cohesive unit. Our capacity for listening to each other and understanding each other has grown immensely, as has our ability to anticipate the needs of the other. I still dote on her quite often and in lots of different ways, but I truly enjoy that. We've both gotten better at reading each other's signals when we do have a miscommunication so that we're able to reset much quicker.

The only real issue that seems to be coming up, if only once in awhile, is that I am growing increasingly annoyed by her siblings. Annoyed is too strong a word. They are good, smart, caring people. Her brother, Josef, is a newly minted 18 and her sister, Vera, is a returning college student at 26. Vera is poly by nature, but currently in a committed relationship with Bruce, 27 (I think) who has had a lot of life experience and is very smart.

It's been Josef that I've usually knocked heads with, if only verbally...and really only when we're debating politics and culture. I surely remember that we've all been 17 once, so we all "go through that stage", but he takes being a know-it-all to all new heights, with a condescension and closed-mindedness that gets under my skin so much that in the past we've had some pretty heated arguments.

It's kind of unfortunate, because we're a lot a like in many ways. We're both tall, skinny, bookish yet charming types who enjoy political discourse and educating ourselves about economics. The difference is that I'm much further along down the path. I've gotten a Master's degree in Economics and have been published by some pretty heavy organizations on the subject. Meanwhile he's self-educated in a home-schooled environment where he doesn't get feedback from anyone smarter or more studied than himself. Which leads to his fierce belief that his is the only correct opinion and everyone else should just bow down. Add to this that he's a very talented musician with an adoring mother (what a lovely, amazing lady who I love), AND has an additional internet following on tumblr where he's semi-internet famous... all of which feeds into his feelings of superiority. To be fair, I've always been regarded as having a high opinion of myself, but the difference is I bend over backwards to be accommodating and inclusive, even shooting holes in my own theories/opinions, but still get seen as arrogant when all I'm trying to do is humble myself while voicing my opinion.

Audrey and Vera love their brother very much, but they've voiced concerns about how he treats their mother. Not any kind of real abuse, but constantly and sarcastically sniping at her for little things, all while she waits on him hand and foot regarding everything from his music career (she manages) to his personal life (she drops everything to cart him around) and even his eating habits (he's a Vegan and a very picky one at that). He snaps at her or makes little quips at her expense every so often and it's not cool. Again it's not constant, but it is with some regularity and increasing frequency.

Let me double back so as to be kind to Josef. There's nothing wrong with self-confidence. There's nothing wrong with being passionate about socio-political nuances or celebrating a life lived within your mind. I can totally relate. The problem is that where normally people soften the edges of their speech patterns in order to be polite (i.e. being right isn't more important than being friends), he sees no reason to back off because in his mind he's not wrong. Hell, he'll even dig his heels in and refuse to concede even one small point just so he hasn't caved in on his principles one bit.

Over the last two months I've gotten a better handle on not engaging Josef in debate or getting sucked in when he inevitably steers the conversation to his favorite topics. Audrey and Bruce have both helped me in this regard. I've reached a level with their family now where instead of construing misunderstandings against me almost entirely to protect a family member, now they speak freely and commiserate with me about his behavior. I've learned those feelings were always there, but they weren't sharing them. Also, I can give them credit for thinking that out of the two of us, I'd be the easier one to convince to be reasonable and let things go.

Lately it's Vera and Bruce that are giving me pause instead of Josef. As roommates they're better than average. I end up doing most of the tidying up around the house...taking out the trash, cleaning the range and the oven, etc., but I don't complain or act out about it. It would just make me sound like a complainer and it's really a small issue. It is [U]my house[U] after all, but I could use a little more help. I say they're better than average, because I care about them like family and when things are going well, I truly do enjoy their company. They're both atheists like I am, enjoy the same types of sci-fi/fantasy/comic-book culture stuff I do. They're both talented musically and tech wise (Vera is studying to be a mechanical engineer and Bruce is an expert in construction) which is impressive. They've both been heavily into the BDSM scene in the past (though not for some time), which is something else I can relate to quite well.

But that's actually part of the problem. They're both D-types (aka tops) and while they are very chill, bordering on anti-social (which they fully profess to be), when there are little interactions, I always feel like it's some sort of power jockeying situation. As a couple they're great about backing each other up as experts in whatever topic or situation they're in. If it's pet training...they're the experts. If it's music...they're the experts. If it's academia and academic life...they're the experts. And the entire family buys into it and feeds into it as a way to love and respect them.

I'm in a weird situation where I know I shouldn't be in some constant state of competition, but at the same time my natural need for respect and value from others, especially coupled with my innate sense of fairness, has me thinking exactly those competitive thoughts. I was never this way growing up. It comes up constantly, but in really inconsequential ways so again it's not worth pressing the issue about though it's enough to bother me.

Perfect example came up last night. Audrey has been on a self-defense kick lately. It so happens that I've studied martial arts for over 20 years, though I haven't actively studied or practiced in the last 4 or 5. I've even taught self-defense classes myself. Audrey knows about my training, though not the teaching part, so she's been eager to get me involved. Eager to include the entire family, she wanted to make it a group thing by getting Vera and Bruce involved. I'm cool with that. The more the merrier, right? Well it could have been a little better.

As soon as Audrey brought up the subject I was regaled multiple times with how Bruce had taught self-defense to women. And his time in the military was also brought up. Fair enough. No big deal. But I had to hear about it over and over. And it was when Audrey told her sister about my background that yet again I got topped. So we're all hanging out and Audrey says she wants to finally get down to brass tacks. Myself, Audrey and Vera are all sitting there.

I had already decided that I was going to just be smooth about the whole thing, but Vera goes ahead and just kind of takes over the whole situation. I have no clue (and still don't) what kind of training she's had, but having been informed by Audrey of my past, you'd think she'd defer to the person who's had decades of experience, but no. So I sit there, pleasantly, and listen and watch patiently. Mostly what she was showing her sister was fluff...the kind of stuff that sounds great in theory, but in a real situation wouldn't really work that well. Or general common sense to use your legs to kick whenever possible. And the old S.I.N.G. mnemonic from Miss Congeniality. (It's valid. It's helpful.)

So Audrey asks me to show them some things. Vera's mood instantly changes, she detaches from the group and becomes very skeptical. In contrast, I'd been open and receptive and very encouraging, though of course you now know what was going through my brain. I begin to help Audrey and it's like riding a bike...it all comes back. I take her through the top 5 situations and methods that a woman is likely to encounter...explaining slowly, methodically, and practically what to do. We even go over multiple variations of these encounters, so by the end Audrey's ready to rock and roll if need be. Vera can't really deny that I know my stuff, but there's no "hey that's really cool" or "Seems like you know a lot. What else you got?" Just a kind of blunt end to the whole thing, where she goes back into her room and the subject isn't really brought up again.
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  #54  
Old 05-20-2014, 04:27 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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CONTINUED....

Was the whole thing that big a deal? Absolutely not. But when you add it to the list of times where I get no credit or respect in a situation where if someone else did the same exact thing they'd get fawned over it gets annoying. Do I need to be fawned over? No. Do I like credit and respect? Yes. Is it tiresome to have to play the game where I follow the flow of everyone congratulating someone for being so great at something? It is. But I love Audrey. I do love her family. And I want to get along. They have included me in their holidays and life in a way that few other people would have done and remarkably at a time when I've been the most vulnerable.

I know that I'm not a real member of the family yet (if ever). I know that family psychology is very strong and unreal expectations about inclusion aren't going to be healthy or productive. It's just that a little fairness would go a long way with me. Of course I can hear my dad now. "Life's not fair. Suck it up." True enough. And I'd put down the heavy load of all the analysis on the subject, but I just do it automatically. Obviously I'm not getting something that I need or want.


Another situation that comes up fairly regularly is how people get treated in our group when we're all playing board/card games. And it goes back to a situation where I don't need to be fawned over, but getting similarly treated would sure as heck be nice. When Vera or Josef answer a question right or make some strategic maneuver they're instantly geniuses of the highest caliber. Not just from the loving mother, but they all pat each other on the back. When I answer a question or win a game, it's business as usual and life goes on. Often times if it's a trivia kind of game, they'll add some extended commentary and I'll have to sit there while they revel in telling us something they act like the rest of us don't know. Heaven forbid I do the same thing and later Audrey will tell me that I was showing off or being too hard on someone. I was told for a week how Bruce was amazing at poker and his dad was so good that he got blacklisted in Vegas. Guess who has won by a staggering margin every time we've played? Me. But the record starts up again and I'm told over and over again about how great he is. I'm just supposed to sit there like a lump on a log I guess or just put up with being nameless, faceless participant #6. It gets old quick.

Audrey and I have talked the issue to death. First she wanted me to open up so I told her and while she did listen to my side of things, she defended her family. (Totally expected and I don't fault her in the least for that.) But don't ask me how I'm feeling then scoff at the answer. Situations have come up a few times in the last 2 or 3 months and it'll get discussed, but we always get back to a situation where I'm made to feel like I'm being too sensitive or I'm not perceiving things correctly. Because Audrey is so worried that there's some deep, unresolvable issue there, we can't even talk about it anymore. She's set a boundary for her comfort and I can respect that. Besides, no one's ever going to see things from my perspective so it's a losing battle.

Half of me feels bad for even typing all this out. Vera, Josef, and Bruce are all genuinely good people who are fun to be around and mean me no ill will in the least. And part of it is my own baggage. I grew the only child in a house with two academics who lauded intelligence as a virtue and even a currency for value. I accomplished things during my education and was praised for it. Add to that a fourteen-year marriage to someone who, despite other incongruities, gave me a LOT of respect and credit for intelligence and past personal accomplishments.

I'm not some ego-maniacal fool with deep insecurities or a narcissism complex. I swear I'm not. And I even feel weak for typing all this out. It's just that when you keep getting condescended to or power played or ignored...even when it's just every so often...it gets really annoying. Imagine that almost every conversation you have there's someone in the group who doesn't consider that you might have some input on the subject, but who lectures you and the other people re-enforce the behavior?

For now I'm not going to rock the boat. Overall I enjoy Audrey's family's company and the good outweighs the not-so-good. I love Audrey to death and am willing to endure things for a bit to see where they lead. I see our relationship lasting for a long time to come...and I have a solid sense of self-worth...I'm not going to create a problem where there doesn't have to be one. Just typing this out helps me relax about it a bit.

I know all you have to go on is what I've typed, but am I totally off base here? I'd appreciate some perspective from the outside.
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Last edited by vanquish; 05-20-2014 at 04:31 PM.
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  #55  
Old 05-24-2014, 02:13 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Just wanted to say that I have enjoyed reading your blog and I can really identify with your last few posts. I don't want to blog-jack your thread so I won't go into all of my similar examples - but my advise would be exactly what you have decided to do...sit back and let it ride for now.

One story (maybe I'll add others in my own blog). I'd been dating MrS for several years and we were at the stage where I am going to family-functions etc. for a while. I was getting pretty deep into my professional education at this point - scholarships, honors, Dean's List, etc. MrS's dad (a REALLY smart guy) is involved peripherally in a related area (although it is his secondary interest - not his primary career). He has been doing this for quite some time and is really into, and good at, the parts that he is involved with. We were swapping "war stories" at one point and he expressed some puzzlement over a certain encounter - I was able to explain, in detail, the whys/wherefores of the situation and resolve his puzzlement. I swear - the man went silent and just stared at me for 30 seconds - "You're really good at this, aren't you?" "Yes, actually, I am."

My entire relationship with my FIL changed dramatically at that point - as if he suddenly saw me as a person and not just his son's girlfriend. A colleague and expert in my field, a resource. Now he gets excited to talk to me about challenges he has faced, asks my opinion, sends me links and articles, etc. (no one else in the family is interested in this stuff except me) - and we can have real discussion/debate and educate each other. It's awesome!

Hang in there...

JaneQ
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MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (23+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #56  
Old 05-26-2014, 07:17 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Listen, you're hanging out with immature, self-centered people much younger than yourself. What do you expect?
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #57  
Old 05-26-2014, 07:52 PM
AlbertaRaven AlbertaRaven is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Listen, you're hanging out with immature, self-centered people much younger than yourself. What do you expect?
Agreed. The decades of experience you have on them should be informing your patience with them.
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  #58  
Old 05-27-2014, 04:26 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Thanks, y'all. You're absolutely right. I'm choosing to spend time in the environment so I should know that certain results are going to come from it.

You've reminded me of the perspective I need to have. And it has paid off recently.

So the other night every one in my house is hanging out down in the parlor: Audrey, Vera, Bruce, and Minou. As a reminder, Audrey is my companion. Vera is her sister. Bruce is her sister's companion. Minou is a very attractive (looks, personality, and intelligence) Iranian girl renting a room from me in the house.

Minou is one of those sweet souls that you just want to gobble up for being so darn cute and fun. That she's smart and hot just adds to the mix. She's very open to discussing her relationships and sexuality, so there's a bit of a strange vibe in the house. Audrey makes playful passes at her that are well received, but neither of them act on it. Bruce does the same, but while not being as nearly well received, aren't complete turn downs either. Myself, I've had more than one opening to possibly initiate something, but haven't felt it was the right time or place to do anything about it.

So the other night when we were all hanging out downstairs, Bruce, who is normally very tight-lipped, decides to hold court for what seemed like an hour or more. By hold court, I just mean that he kept talking and talking without letting anyone get a word in edge-wise or checking in at all. It was all about his knowledge of interior design and exactly what he thought the perfect design rules were for different types of locations, houses and businesses. He has a new job at a carpeting/flooring company where he sells products and does interior design. More power to him. I think he's making more money than he did at his old job which is great. But as someone who was married to an architect who also did interior design for over 14 years...someone who contributed significantly to almost every one of her designs....he wasn't the only one with opinions about the topic he was lecturing us on. Later, to my surprise, even Audrey came up to me afterwards in the kitchen and asked me what the hell was going on with the guy? I just listened to him and played around on my phone and on my computer. Not pouting or acting out in any way...just kind of going on about my own business, cuddling with Audrey or working on the computer. So the guy wants to revel in his expertise at something. That doesn't diminish me, right?

After a few beers on Bruce's part and wine on everyone else's part (except for mine (for some reasons alcohol and getting buzzed just doesn't hold the allure it used to for me)), Bruce began pushing his massage skills. Minou began talking about how sore she was from a date a day ago and from some work she had to do that day. Bruce enters schmoozy territory. "I give excellent massages." and his companion Vera instantly backs him up on it. "Oh yeah. He's great." No big deal, except that Minou expresses trepidation about it and he keeps going. Audrey pipes up and says "Oh [Vanquish] gives amazing massages. I've never liked anyone touching me or massaging me, but the way he does it is amaaaaazing." To which Bruce pipes up and says "You just haven't had mine." And then he said some other kind of weird line that escapes me right now, but felt a bit uncomfortable and over the line.

I didn't want this to turn into some competition of the massagers, so I didn't engage. Audrey had backed up my skills and not responded to his solicitation, so things were ok. I just hung out for a bit and then went into the kitchen for a short bit. The funny thing was that when I came back, apparently Bruce had not only started the massage, but it was over and done with much to her dissatisfaction. He was heading to bed for the night and Minou was saying something about how if she ever let him massage her again, she'd have to do some better explaining about what was good and bad.

Of course you can tell this gave me a bit of glee, though I didn't show it. This was another example...both the hour long lecture on interior decor and the massage expertise of how there's always this power play going on. Always a bit of self-promotion going on in this family.

I'm getting much better at just letting it roll off me. It's just a weird thing to have to put up with since I didn't grow up in a house where that was necessary or done.
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  #59  
Old 06-03-2014, 04:27 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Kind of in a daze this morning. Thought I'd type it out.

Let me preface by saying I realize that I'm dating a 20 year old. Barely not a teenager. That, of course, has its perks. Let me also go on to say that Audrey is much more mature than some people twice her age. All those caveats in place, the girl doesn't like to clean.

And that's my fault. The way our relationship is set up, I want her company so badly that I don't ask a lot of her. In fact, I didn't use to ask anything. As the months have crept up, she's kind of realized that the longer she stays the more she needs to do. The end of July we'll have our first anniversary actually. Yesterday all the pet hair had finally gotten to her so she cleaned up the front parlor, Swiffered all the hard-wood floors downstairs, and also shop-vacced all the hair going all the way up the flights of stairs, both on the runner and in the crevasses. It was quite a transformation.

As a reward I took her to get her nails done and for some take-out food. I'd just gotten her hair re-cut and colored on Saturday so she's looking better than ever. Speaking of better than ever...we're doing so well and hadn't had a dust-up in ages.

Lately the pets have been getting to me. They take a lot of work to maintain and I'm usually the one doing it. If she ever read this she'd probably be pissed to hear me say that (obviously it goes unsaid irl), but it's true. I'm the one who feeds and walks everyone in the morning. I'm the one who cleans up the poop and throw up 8 times out of 10. I'm the one who changes the litter box 8 times out of 10. So last night when our largest, Gus, a half-pit, half-great dane swiped a nice wine glass onto the floor, spilling wine everywhere on top of books and papers and couches...I got really angry. And a heated discussion ensued.

I know it wasn't the dog's fault. It's just that Audrey leaves all kinds of things out and the place isn't dog proofed. I'm constantly stressing about what they're going to break or chew up next. It really wears on me. She wants to keep the dogs out of their kennels more, which I support, in theory. But the problem is that I have to clean up the house and do the work to make it dog proofed. And when I get frustrated and speak out, I get characterized as someone who either yells too much or who doesn't care for the dogs as much as I should.

It's a prison of my own making because I feel like I need to walk on egg shells otherwise she'll start spending more time at her own home. Yes, I'm a grown man. I'm a grown man who entered into a relationship soon after his divorce and who enjoys having company around. I've lost most of my friends because of the divorce (my wife did a great job of politicking) and Audrey is so wonderful...meaning it's hard for me to be without her.

But the trade off is that I have to make sure that I don't piss her off into leaving. Which means she doesn't have to clean. And I'm acquiescing about the dog issues.

At one point she stormed out and walked down the street. I followed after her, expressing that I wanted to listen and I wanted to hear all her issues. I also expressed that at 1 am, I was worried about her safety. She said she had the right to want to be alone and calm down without me there. I agreed and went back in. In less than 5 minutes she was back inside.

At another point she was being very sarcastic and flippant so I said "don't use that tone with me." That got her super furious. I'd anticpated that, but I was expressing my dislike of being spoken to in a particular way. It wasn't meant to be controlling or condescending. Of course, in the middle of an argument, that's how she took it. But what ensued was even worse. She has done the exact same thing to me - told me that my tone was inappropriate in not so polite a fashion. When I brought that up she said there's no way she'd ever do such a thing. I said that I remembered it differently. This impasse became an issue all its own. She felt like I was calling her a liar...which I wasn't I was simply saying that I remembered things differently. Which...for what it's worth...I swear to all that is holy she has done multiple times.

We kinda talked it through, but no one was really happy with each other. She decided to go up to go to bed and I stayed downstairs for about 20 minutes. Eventually I went upstairs...playing peacemaker...and asked to hear her out again. She wondered what talking would do...and I explained that we have to talk somethings out otherwise they'll just fester and get worse. It was weird, but she eventually came around to re-explaining back to me why we needed to talk things out. Call it a semi-win, I guess?

When she said what she wanted to say, it included a recitation of her version of facts that made me sound like a dog abuser. Sure, she started it all off with "I know you love the dogs a whole, whole lot.", but then the rest made me sound like I yelled at them for no reason and didn't even like them half the time. Things went sideways when I told her how that made me feel. I said, "Put yourself in my shoes, and imagine someone had just said all that about you. You made me sound like an abuser." Well then we were off to the races again. Audrey explained that she'd never do that and didn't even think that. And it was unfair for me to claim that. I responded that this was just how she made me feel and shouldn't I get to voice how I felt. That devolved into a discussion of how my valid feelings could still be unfair to her. Ok, fair enough.

I just had to take a two-hour pause from typing this to do actual work, so I've lost my train of thought.

By the end of everything we agreed that: 1) the dogs need to get to be out more; 2) that the house needs to be more dog-proofed constantly; and 3) that it's possible for us to remember things differently and not be calling each other liars. She went back to calling me Papa and back to curling that oh so beautiful body around me as well as fluttering her spell-binding eyes in my direction. Needless to say we didn't go to bed angry.

It was, however, a very emotional and physically taxing argument. She didn't wake up when I kissed her sleeping face as I went to work. Normally she grabs my arm or my neck and tries to get me to stay. It's really not a big thing, just the argument last night and no contact this morning have me in a weird place. I do love her so.

My crazy life, eh?
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Me - male, 42, poly, straight, in a serious relationship with Audrey, also casually dating.

Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.
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  #60  
Old 06-03-2014, 05:21 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
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If you want her to act like an adult, then treat her like one. And that means telling her when stuff is bothering you. It's not helpful when you keep it in until you exploded and start yelling. It also means figuring out who does what around the house.

If this makes her not live with you, then consider that a sign she's not ready for an adult relationship.

I had epic fights with my ex-wife over cleaning. We eventually came to a kind-of acceptable compromise (I cleaned more than I thought necessary and she accepted less cleaning than she wanted.) I think more people have had fights over cleaning than just about anything else.
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