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  #31  
Old 04-09-2014, 03:08 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Finding myself more curious lately about the other people Audrey is meeting on date apps and texting throughout the day. For a long time I've been cool with that, but I'm not sure why this is bubbling up now.

Domestic life is great. We're still in love and very affectionate. Sexual frequency isn't an issue. We're still very connected emotionally and mentally, with both of us being very supportive and involved in taking care of one another. The DD/lg side of things is still an important part of how we interact with each other, though the way we practice it has always been a bit of a hybrid.

I suppose it's just times where we're sitting for long periods watching tv and browsing through Tumblr and Facebook on our phones that I start to wonder. She's texting her bff and her mom and her sister, but also other romantic possibles. It's not jealousy over some other person talking to her, it's more that the energy of the conversations she's having with them could be being spent with me. Improving the couch potato time.

I have to realize that those types of conversations are mostly a continual rehash of the getting to know you part of a relationship. She enjoys meeting new people, getting to know them as well as them getting to know her. Which means I'm comparing apples to oranges. (It's been forever since she's been out on a date with someone else, but I'm sure it will happen at some point. It'll be a little weird, but it's not new territory and I'm fine if she does.)

I also need to remind myself that silence and hanging out doing nothing in each other's presence when things are good is a level of contentment and comfort that is intimate. In other words, we don't always have to be talking or interacting for things to be "ok".

As we speak, she's initiated a long conversation over text message with attachments, and we do a million things together in the span of a week, so it's not a major issue at all. I'm not freaking out by any means, just wondering if we can improve our couch potato time.
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Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.
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  #32  
Old 04-09-2014, 07:22 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Second post today. I think it's the Adderall that has me so ...meh. I've typed out this entry at least 7 times and scrapped it every time. My head is going in circles and I can't seem to figure things out.

As I said before, everything in our relationship is better than ever. That's not just rose-colored glasses. It really is.

I've pinned down that I'm unsettled about the amount of attention I'm getting while we're just hanging out. The entire last week or so has been us, with the dogs, in the tv parlour watching tv and being on our phones or the computer. 75% is us, in silence, doing something on our phones to ourselves. We talk, make meals, let the dogs out back, plant plants, and cuddle up at night to go to bed. Everything seems exactly as it has been - in fact, everything is more domestic and settled than it ever has been.

I get bored just watching tv and browsing our phones. I've asked if she's bored or wants to do something else. She says she's happy and there's not much to do in this town, so things are cool. She says she loves me. She shows me she loves me. If we were to analyze it together, I couldn't point to any deficiency in our life except for our free time getting a bit stale.

I keep coming back to the fact that she seems to be texting one person and our interaction has become stale as a result. It's not romantic jealousy or sexual jealousy. She hasn't been on a date in months or had sex with anyone else in months. Even if she did, I'd be fine with that. I can say that I'm comfortable with the poly lifestyle.

What's picking at me is that I'm sitting there bored and she's engrossed in a text conversation. I think I have to get off the Adderall AND start figuring out something fun to do with my own time. I can't expect anyone to be my source of fun.
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Me - male, 42, poly, straight, in a serious relationship with Audrey, also casually dating.

Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.

Last edited by vanquish; 04-09-2014 at 09:54 PM.
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  #33  
Old 04-21-2014, 03:14 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Not sure what was going on a week and a half ago. I suppose it was just a natural cycle of activity and non-activity. There were long periods where we weren't fighting, but we just weren't interacting as much as we had. That has subsided and we've been interacting a lot more lately. It's really been great. Audrey said something a month ago about needing/wanting to spend time at home, which I supported, but it hasn't materialized. Heck, the back-and-forth tennis match about whether "this was the night" stopped in my brain and I just haven't worried about it. Namely, because she's stayed with me.

Yesterday was Pascha (Greek Orthodox Easter) for her family, which meant a get together at their house and lots of food. I've felt her brother, sister, and sister's fiance being cold to me lately. About halfway through it was evident that I could have been a fly on the wall and no one would have noticed. I get totally left out of conversations. I'm never engaged directly, but have to join in conversations that are already in progress. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, but it does get annoying after awhile. With Audrey fixated on reconnecting with her family having spent so much time with me, that was another person ignoring me at what was supposed to be a bonding event.

Eventually, Audrey could tell something was wrong, despite the fact that I wasn't pouting or communicating discomfort. We went to talk in her room where I told her I didn't want to make a big thing out of it. She drew it out of me, but the problem was this triggered a great deal of fear in her. I calmed her down and sucked up the situation, though it was with the help of Audrey's words that a) she didn't think they were being cold and b) her love was resolute. I never doubted the second, but it was comforting nonetheless.

Later that night after we'd returned to my house, Audrey's mother come over and her sister came out of the room she rents from me for us all to play Cards Against Humanity. We played for hours and things were much better. Still felt a coldness from the sister, but as she had more wine, she became jovial.

I really like Audrey's sister, but she's a D-type and I always seem to feel there is a tiny, veiled, power struggle going on. Inventing drama isn't my style, but there are just little things that happen over time. Add to this, her male best friend accused me (unjustly!) of racism, which I feel has soured her towards me a bit further. Communicating is usually the key, right? In this case, saying something would just yield a response that the racism thing hasn't had any influence. There's no good way to ever bring up the abrasive dominance behavior, so I'll just have to live with that.

The entire night at home, Audrey was especially complimentary and cuddly with me. We were much more connected. And it felt great. She's truly an amazing person.
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  #34  
Old 04-28-2014, 03:01 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Life is decent. Money is a weird situation because I've got $7,000 waiting in PayPal, but my account has been limited due to issues that aren't my fault. Ugh. It's been fun to have my costuming business back up and running. Kind of funny that I'm making more money as a costumer then I am as a lawyer. My internal debate rages on as to whether I should go full force with the costuming or work on the law/collections business as well. The house needs fixing and landscaping, but I just never want to do it. I hate landscaping.

Audrey and I are doing well. Until recently, you wouldn't know that either of us are poly. We go out on dates, go to the grocery store, go shopping, do basically everything together. She sleeps over at my house every night, though she says she needs to spend time at her house more. I always encourage it, but she never actually does it. Part of the problem is that her stuff is so strewn around my bedroom that it would take a lot of effort for her to gather her things and move back. Truth be told, I have become extremely messy as a result of lots of reasons, one of which being Audrey's influence. #1 she's kind of messy. #2 I'd rather spend time with her instead of cleaning my house #3 the dogs we have together take an inordinate amount of time to care for (not that I'm complaining. I love them. They are family) That said, it's my responsibility to clean my house so I can't really lay it at her doorstep.

Mainly our time is spent down in the parlour, watching tv - or cooking, which we enjoy - or outside with the dogs and the garden that Audrey has started (and is doing QUITE well tending. We cuddle up, alternate between adult conversations and our DD/lg language, though we aren't really in a formal power exchange relationship anymore. I'm more than fine with that. Anyone who sees us out

As I've relayed before, Audrey is almost always on her phone. She spends time on Tumblr and on lots of phone app dating sites like Tinder, OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, etc. Recently she started talking to a new guy that I'll call Amos. Amos is new to town and has no friends. He's from SanFran so he's fairly worldly, though he's not affluent by any means. The other night she went on a "date" with him while I was at a friend's going away party. Audrey would have gone to the party, but the friend throwing it kept changing the time so she couldn't keep rescheduling her date and be polite. Not her fault.

Their date went several hours, including time at the local coffee shop and walking around the neighborhood for hours at night. She told me he was very, very funny, but she didn't know how long he would be around and if so, in what capacity - love, friend, or otherwise. I'm glad she had the time out and has a new person to get to know. Just sticking around the house can get boring and we've also discussed expanding our circle of friends as well. She told him that she was poly and that she has a steady "companion" (the word we continue to use instead of bf/gf/so). He said almost everyone in SanFran is poly, so he's used to it.

Audrey and Amos have continued to text, again which is fine. It hasn't resulted in any deficiencies in my needs. He tried to be funny, I suppose, when he texted her "Hey! If you've got plans on Monday, cancel them! You're going with me to see Grand Budapest Hotel (a movie)." She remarked that it was a little commanding for someone she'd only met the other day. I didn't use that as a chance to bite down on the guy. I simply agreed, gently, with what she said. The next day, after I'd thought about how he could have been cancelling MY plans with her (not that I had them), I told her I did find it a bit more commanding than I originally thought. She said she just thought he was trying to be funny, but it's something to think about.

They're going out to do something at lunch today, and while I am apparently writing a blog post about it, I'm more than cool with it. In the past, I'd be dwelling on all the possibilities of what such a date could mean - especially the bad parts. But I know that our minds can run away with us and a friend date doesn't have to mean anything. Even if it did, it wouldn't mean that her love for me would be diminished. Yes, it doesn't take a mentalist to realize that even though he didn't kiss her on the first date, he's going to get more comfortable and more ambitious on a next date. That said, his actions will also be in response to what Audrey is putting out there. If she's not acting romantic, he may not try anything. Again, this is all conjecture - the kind that really gets me nowhere. After typing it out, it all seems kind of silly.

Still, it's a little weird since she hasn't had a new potential in a long while. She thinks that he and I would get along well and invited me to be friends with him. After thinking about it a little, I thought why not. If the occasion arises, I'll need to remind her that I'll be balancing not cramping her style with not diminishing my own needs and habits to be affectionate with her. I don't want to be overbearing, be uber territorial, and come off prickly to the guy, but I'm also not going to pervert the nature of our existing relationship either. Part of me doesn't want to be the guy to smooth over awkward pauses in their "get to know you" period, so I'm conflicted. Not painfully so, just in theory.

Really, I'm putting the cart before the horse. There has to be a little nagging something in my brain for me to bring all this up, but it's nowhere near how it used to be. She loves me, yeah yeah yeah...With a love like that...You know I should be glad
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Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.
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  #35  
Old 04-28-2014, 08:14 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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It happened that I needed to come home to ship a package before lunch, so I came home. Audrey instantly jumped into my arms and spoke to me in the language we share so joyously. For over an hour we were Babygirl and Papa. Playing and cuddling and kissing and teasing and tickling and singing. Quite beautiful and comforting. Especially right before her appointment.

She and her date ended up going thrifting. An activity she and I have shared in for many days. I can't possibly lay claim to any and all activities, especially when there's not a lot to do in this town. I have said that I enjoy the Bark Park as one I would keep as "our thing", though lately we haven't done it much due to some dust ups at the park. Still, it's something I would appreciate her not doing with anyone else besides me. Dog walks, fine. But that particular park is home to a lot of great memories and we're kind of a known quantity together there.

It was quite nice because she asked me to sit on the front porch while we waited for Amos. To me, that meant that she wasn't going to hide me and wanted everything to be out in the open. When his car came to the house, she kissed me and headed down the stairs to his car. We didn't interact. Heck, I don't even know if he saw the kiss, but it really doesn't matter.

By the end of this appointment they could be closer, more romantic. That's not for me to worry about really. It's up to her. It's been about two hours. No texts from her, but again, she needs her privacy. If I can't go a few hours without contact, I'd think that was a bit weak of me.

No doubt she'll return. And love me all over again
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Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.
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  #36  
Old 04-28-2014, 11:48 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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I guess no good deed goes unpunished. Just when I let my guard down. Just when I think I'm ready. Just when she's given me all the assurances I thought I needed.

1:00 p.m. (ish) -He picks her up.

I go on my way. I do all the chores I need to do. I carry on.

3:31
Audrey: "Checking in!"
Me: "Hey sweetie. Find anything good thrifting?"
Audrey: "A couple of things, but not very much."
Me: "Buy any of them?"

...silence...

5:23 (against my better judgment)
Me: "Checking in."
Audrey:"Good here!"
Me: "Still ?"

As of 6:41...no reply.

I know this is polyamory. Go about my own business and her dating life is her own. Who knows if they're being romantic at all. There's no way to know. I shouldn't get fearful, because there's no pattern and practice of mistreatment. The other part of me is feeling very ignored. We have pets and perhaps dinner to spend together. And I'm hearing nothing.

Part of me is really happy for her to have a new friend. But I'm lonely and I miss her. Fuck. I should be stronger than this. To not see someone for 5 hours shouldn't be this big a deal. Talk about weak. I don't like this side of myself. I went so quickly into having a companion after my divorce...perhaps too quickly. It still hasn't hit me...with my wife gone...with both my parents gone...with all my extended family gone. I'm alone. And I don't like it.

Oh well. I guess I just have to suck it up and grow tougher.

Anyone for a Game of Thrones binge watch?
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  #37  
Old 04-29-2014, 02:15 AM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Less than an hour from when I typed everything above, Audrey ran into my arms and kissed me with words of "I missed my Papa!" And instead of going home to sleep tonight, she decided to stay here and hang out.

I hope to [insert your god here] that I'm learning from all this.
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  #38  
Old 04-29-2014, 02:57 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
We have pets and perhaps dinner to spend together. And I'm hearing nothing.
Perhaps dinner caught my eye. Grown ups don't have curfews ( unless they agree to them beforehand or have other time-specific commitments. She could have stayed out all night if she wanted to. I get sad/ lonely/ whatever when I don't hear from my partner,too, though. Our solution was to start defining set check in and return times. Obviously, return times are flexible to a certain extent but if he says he'll be home for dinner, then I know I can count on that. If it's home by bed, then I know not to hold off on eating until he gets home. Usually check ins are upon arrival ( he usually picks Lady up or meets h her somewhere), whenever next location is reached, before bed, and first thing in the morning or when she leaves if she's leaving early. It helps me not worry about safety, not feel completely cut off, and have a timeline for homecoming.

Just some thoughts.
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  #39  
Old 04-29-2014, 12:06 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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You're right. Absolutely. She could have been out all night if shed wanted to. We've been together from dawn to dusk for months now without her dating. And it just got weird.

The check in you saw above is part of our ritual when she does date. Often times, she won't make a decision about how long shes staying out until she's made up her mind about how the night is going (I.e. if she has decided to stay the night). Sometimes I've had to stay up until 2 or 3 just to know if I need to come get her. And there have been times when I've gone to get her at 2 or 3.

Yesterday, I guess they just stayed out all afternoon until dinner, when they parted company. She said it was a good time but not great and he didn't try to kiss her. She didn't sound sad about that, just curious. She's devastatingly pretty which may be what's intimidating him...or he may not be interested that way.

The fact is, she could change her mind and stay out all night and Id just have to wait and find out.
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  #40  
Old 04-29-2014, 12:18 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Had a minor dust up. Last night before bed.

Audrey had been out for 7 hours with her new date. Great for her. Seriously, being home bound can suck and new people are great.

Her mother came over to watch movies with us downstairs and after awhile, I suddenly look over and she's texting. I ask whom it is because we have friends in common that I like to text as well and she tells me it's Amos. The guy she was just out with.

I'm instantly not happy and she sees it on my face then asks me what's wrong. I say you've been out with him for 7 hours and I was hoping that now we were going to get quality time together. To which she says, "I'm here aren't I? " My response is that if she's not mentally here then its not really quality time.

She huffed a bit, but then silently took my hand as we were watching TV and things kind of went back to normal. Within 30 minutes she said she wanted to go up to bed, which we both did. Once there, we played our usual, fun, little pre-bed games, laughing and tickling and kissing.

I'm not trying to cut her off from this guy. I'd just hope that right after she's been gone for awhile that I'd get some undivided reconnection time. I guess we need to talk about that more specifically.
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