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  #21  
Old 03-25-2014, 10:49 AM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Without me asking or even hinting, she decided to spend the night so Im happy. Lots of cuddling last night in bed which is awesome. I hate the nights when we're both so spread out that there's no real contact.

I've noticed that I've stopped focusing on her text messaging in a big way. I feel this was not only my own change in focus, but also in her change in behavior. There were months when she would be glued to her phone and Id feel left out. I've since adapted by living on my phone more and doing other activities, as well as not assuming that every time she's on her phone its with a rival suitor. She has also done a great job of putting the phone down when she sees I'm about to make contact (crawl over to her or propose some new activity for us).

Again, I'm sure she'll go home at some point, but it wasn't last night so I'm happy.
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  #22  
Old 03-27-2014, 02:58 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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As it turns out, despite expressing thoughts to the contrary, M has stayed over for the past several nights. I'm supportive of whatever she wants to do, but I love waking up next to her so much.

The girl she recently went on a date with goes on a trip to NYC today. I'm sure that when she gets back they'll be spending more time together (which is great!) and M will want to use her parents' house as home base. I'd like to think I'm getting better about being alone, but that's easy to say when I'm not actually being tested.

As it turns out, finances are sloooooowly turning around. I got most of the utilities switched over into my name, as they had been in my father's...which had the ancillary effect of bringing the balances down to zero for me. The estate will have to pay them as creditors, which will get done within the year. But I've "whistled through the graveyard" as my grandmother would say. My Dad would have chuckled. My side business on eBay selling cosplay/comic costumes is also picking up. So that's really nice. I hope it keeps going well.
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  #23  
Old 03-28-2014, 02:22 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Bit of a hiccup in the middle of a great night last night, but it taught me something and ended well.


A buddy of mine who works on economic development for the city informed me about an artists' showcase at one of the supper clubs downtown about noon yesterday. I texted M to see if she wanted to go and got a resounding "YES!" It was from 5-8 so by the time I got home from work she was almost ready. I changed suits and refreshed myself, then we headed off.

The art was meh at best, but I did strike up a conversation with a wonderful lady who produces and directs movies. She complimented us as a couple and asked if we were married. After giving our usual, playful "ohhhh hellll noooo" (not exactly those words) I told her, "We're both poly. We're committed to each other but we also see other people." Boom. Short and sweet. It didn't phase her at all although you could see the gears turning in her head for about a second. She continued to compliment M's look, saying she'd be perfect for several movies that both she and another director in a larger town were doing. I played the role of M's cheerleader and humorist, keeping the conversation going and really supporting M's capabilities as a model and actress. It's not flattery. She's great at what she does. It's just she needs more work and bigger opportunities.

We came home on cloud 9 and were in the best of moods. We cracked open a bottle of wine and started teasing each other. The mood turned a little sleepy after the second bottle of wine and she was on her phone a lot. Her phone screen happened to be in my line of sight so I saw she was texting someone back and forth. After a breezy inquiry, I found out it was a new possible romantic person, but didn't make a big deal of it. We had settled into watching t.v. and just messing around on our phones. Eventually it got to be 2 a.m. so I told her I was going upstairs. She gave me a sexy smile and said she'd be up "soon". She'd made a few comments about us having sex unprompted by me earlier when we'd gotten home...and since sexual frequency has been a minor issue, I was excited.

I went upstairs and got the room ready. Did all the things one does to groom one's self beforehand, make everything nice. And then nothing. 10 mins goes by. 20 mins goes by. 30 mins goes by and I'm still waiting. In my brain, she's either forgotten about the sex or too preoccupied with this new guy to remember that I was waiting. I became really frustrated, so I put some clothes back on and went downstairs to the computer and started puttering around. To her credit she was shutting off the t.v. and heading upstairs when I got there, but it felt like I'd been forgotten. She saw that I was mopey so we both explained ourselves, albeit in a rather prickly manner. She said she'd told me she'd be up after the episode of the show we were watching was over. I hadn't heard that and still felt like having to wait was a bit much. In the end we chalked it up to a misunderstanding and had a wild, crazy 3 hours of KST (Kiss, Slap & Tickle), then the appropriate aftercare.

I'm a little disappointed in myself for getting nervous about someone she was texting. I've been so good at that for months now. I see now that it was a misunderstanding and I do much better when I don't let my imagination get the better of me.
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  #24  
Old 03-30-2014, 12:30 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Things are still going well. I'm writing this from the early morning comfort of my warm bed with my baby snuggled up behind me.

Yesterday I spent over 6 hours helping M clean her room back at her parents' house. You have to understand, this thing was insane. You couldn't see the floor at all or even the bed. She had clothes to sell on Poshmark, clothes to donate, clothes to keep, and Clothes to give to family.

About halfway through she pulled me aside and said, "you know this means I'll be spending more time here, right?" Of course I did. I smiled and held her reassuringly,and let her know I was ok with that. I told her I wanted her to succeed and reintegrating wth her family was important.

As I've alluded to before, she's a little out of place in her family atm. Her mother had a very traumatic first marriage and is nowremarried to amuch better man who doesn't mind that she is living out her own rock & roll fantasy through her son.The kid has talent, but managing him is just as much a way for her to live a young, vibrant life and experience the music scene as well as get out of the house as it is to really support his career. Don't get me wrong, she's an amazing lady & mother. The kind you'd loveto havefor your own...and after all her pain and hard work she deserves some fun, but it's not fair to M.

All the mom's time and effort are spent on the brothers Career, not M's. Even worse, the longer M spends at my house, the more she is forgotten. Perfect example - food. M is a vegetarian and her brother is a full-on vegan. When she does come home, the fridge is totally stocked with all his expensive designer vegan stuff, but there's not even close to as much for her. And as with moth brothers and sisters, if she eats any of his stuff, the kid goes ballistic. I've bought him tons of food while we've been out places, but if she takes some of his sacred shit, he pitches a fit, which pisses me off.

So she does need to go back and get reintegrated. Having a room that she enjoys will be part of that. We listened to podcasts that told ghost stories and she showed me all those nostalgic pieces that are part of who she is today. She's done that before and I always enjoy getting to know her more. We hit a good lick and got the room totally done, including taking down all the stuff on her walls so she can totally redecorate.

Im happy to do it, but would be lying if I wasn't already missing her a bit in anticipation. Not a lot. I'm handling it, but of course I have no way of knowing yet how much I won't be getting to see her. I'll also be getting less information about her other dates which isn't super troubling, but that information is comforting to me so I like knowing.
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Me - male, 42, poly, straight, in a serious relationship with Audrey, also casually dating.

Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.

Last edited by vanquish; 03-30-2014 at 12:40 PM.
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  #25  
Old 04-01-2014, 03:08 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Slight setback, but I'm working through it.

Yesterday we had a great day. Took M out for lunch somewhere nice after having gotten a windfall and she begged me to stay home in the cutest little way, but I had to get back to work. We arranged to meet our new casting director friend out for dinner at the best little Mexican place in my neighborhood.

The casting director made some comments about how perfect we are together, how funny, how in love and then asked when we were getting married. I thought we'd already covered that the first time we all met, but I guess it didn't sink in or she just felt strongly about two people who fit so well needing to get married.

We reexplained our situation in depth, describing how I just went on a date recently that M helped me get ready for and vice versa. M explained that it wasn't because of anything in particular, but she liked variety in her romance, while still feeling very committed to me and loving me. She even said she was "absolutely smitten and in love" with me. Always great to hear.

I'd done about as much of the talking as M had, but M explained that she'd been living with me for a bit longer than she was comfortable with, and she'd be going home to spend time with her family more. Hearing her tell a third person really brought it home for me. I can't say it didn't tug at me a little. But it was also good for me to tell our new friend that I support her and want to help her make whatever choices were going to make her feel the best and empower her the most. Saying that out loud reminded me that it wasn't just lip service. I really meant it.

I bought her some wine on the way home and we settled in to watch movies. I kind of crashed and then woke up about 1 am when she was ready to head up to bed. Looking back I did need the sleep, but I kind of wasted the chance at some quality time with her. When we went up to bed I saw one of my large suitcases packed with her clothes and it kind of woke me up. I didn't comment or react much, but she did see my face and reminded me that it's not that big a deal. I let her know I knew that and that I know she needs to re-integrate with her family. Suddenly the semi-wasted night seemed much more wasted because I didn't spend it watching movies with her as much as I could have.

We talked this morning. She's not sure if she's going back tonight or tomorrow night to start sleeping at her mom's. I feel sorry for her because her brother recently played to rave reviews at a singer-songwriter workshop and the mother gushed about it to all of us over text. It bounced right off of M like water off a duck's back, but I don't see her getting nearly that much attention and promotion any time soon. Her mother is amazing and loves M a lot, but things won't ever be equal in that regard. Especially if she's out of sight, out of mind.

My role as her cheerleader and promoter is partially at odds with her need for space and autonomy. So, for the person I love, I need to step back. Honestly, I need to not read into things so much. It's not a breakup and we still have an amazing connection. My needs for love and interaction will still be met, I'll just be seeing her less. That's it. I really need to get over it.

I already helped her clean up her room and now we'll be working together to make it over into something more enjoyable to stay in. She's talked about how she'll have me over a lot and maybe even engage in some hanky-panky when the family isnt around. That does happen fairly often enough that it's not a false promise so I'm excited
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Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.
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  #26  
Old 04-02-2014, 02:42 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Micro-update.

I thought she was heading home last night, but she didn't. I'm not really obsessing over it (though it's been the focus of several of these updates), but it's something I think about at least once a day. I need to try and let that sort itself out and focus on other things.

M's made a real effort on the sexual frequency thing. Last night we played again and it was fun. I'd go into more detail, but I don't think anyone wants to read that

I'm loving my life with her in a way I never did with my ex wife of 14 years. But I have to be ready for this relationship to constantly be in flux. It's a weird feeling. She's worth it though. More than worth it. We love each other in a way that is utterly fulfilling. We make each other better and make each other laugh. We inspire and excite each other.

On the home front, I'm considering selling my huge house and moving into something smaller. I could sell it for a decent price, after I fix up a few things and move into one much smaller, and pocket a fair amount of cash. M's been helping me look for houses and we've even gone to see a few. I'd hate losing her sister and brother-in-law as tenants because that pays my bills (mostly), but it's possible they might want to move with us. I haven't asked.

Selling the house is an emotional thing as it's where my mother died and my father lived until he died about a year ago. "Losing" it because I'm not able to get my law practice afloat would feel like a failure. It could be fun though because I could finance my business, put other money into a new business with M we've been discussing, paying off bills, and doing some fun stuff too. I'm slowly but surely thinking about that. I need to get off my ass and fix up the house, but I'm just having fun doing fun things with M. It's not her fault. I just have little willpower when it comes to her. She wants me to succeed and encourages me to grow and make progress, I just have this huge lazy streak.
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Me - male, 42, poly, straight, in a serious relationship with Audrey, also casually dating.

Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.

Last edited by vanquish; 04-02-2014 at 02:55 PM.
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  #27  
Old 04-02-2014, 08:25 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Ha! Isn't that always the way.

M had been really down because her mother and brother had come back from being on tour, but hadn't spent any time with her. Plans had fallen through for a few days, but it wasn't hard to see that the mom just needed time to relax and compose herself after promoting the brother's music all the way out to Texas for SXSW and back to Alabama.

We had a nice morning together where M got up earlier than usual for a short time while I was getting ready and then a long lunch that she asked me to stay home for. It was a bit rough going at the beginning for M because at first she thought her mother was just taking her shopping for a girls' day, but then was told her brother was nosing his way into the group. I texted her mom to just give her a head's up about what M needed and the mother texted back that it turned out the brother wasn't coming and all was cool. Whew.

After that it got even better and I couldnt have been more happy for M. The mother said they weren't just going to go shopping, but also work on fixing up her room and doing some other activities together. M beamed from across the room and talked about how amazing her mother was and that everyone should have a mother like hers. Absolutely. They really should.

I stayed until the mother came to pick her up, whereupon M told me promptly "See you tomorrow!" and gave me a peck. It hadn't dawned on me, even with everything I've written above that tonight was going to be the night. I said,"Oh, right. Well, see you tomorrow!" and kissed her right back, heading to work.

Oddly I'm fine and have so much stuff to do that I'm sure I'll be fine tonight. We'll see if that holds up but ultimately I know she needs the time and space and family connection. Things will be good. And I can work on me.
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Me - male, 42, poly, straight, in a serious relationship with Audrey, also casually dating.

Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.
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  #28  
Old 04-03-2014, 07:17 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Anyone like a tennis match? Going back and forth has taught me that some things are worth fretting over, some just work they way they are going to work and there's only so much you can do.

Turns out last night I was fine being alone. I've been pretty wound up for reasons not relating to my relationship so despite having a lot to do around the house, I just let go and relaxed with the pets. I downloaded the new Captain America movie (I'll go see it twice in the theater at least) and the old Hulk (2008) movie that my ex got in the divorce.

The cats jumped up on top of me and the dogs curled around my feet. Life wasn't so dramatic on my own.

And then...about 2 in the morning M's mother dropped Audrey off at my house, drunk as a skunk. Hahahahahaha. They'd been partying at a mutual friend's house and it turns out she had a modeling job in town the next day. (She says today that she told me about it last night, but I swear she didn't. Thus the prior hand-wringing.)

So we spent the night again and hung out during an extra-long lunch today. She is so adorable every time I say I have to go she uses her babygirl voice and coyly looks at me and panders for me to stay. It's awwwwdorable and makes me melt instantly. I end up taking an extra hour for lunch (I set my own schedule and it could easily have been a sales call) and she still wants more. I need to remember moments like these if I'm ever worried that spending time apart means she doesn't want to be with me.

Will she go home tonight? Probably. Who knows? I'm not gonna sweat it.

Note Well: Members have expressed a preference for names rather than initials, so I'll be referring to M as "Audrey" from now on.
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Me - male, 42, poly, straight, in a serious relationship with Audrey, also casually dating.

Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.

Last edited by vanquish; 04-03-2014 at 07:48 PM.
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  #29  
Old 04-06-2014, 02:51 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Been a few days since I've posted so I thought Id jump in and make a note or two.

It's Sundy early morning, the light outside is low, the rain is coming down in sheets only to land on the back tin roof, and the bedroom is cool. Audrey's legs, my legs, and the warm blankets that warm us are all intertwined like a braid. I wouldn't trade this feeling for the world.

Yesterday was a great day of thrifting and getting lots done. It did not go unnoticed that last night she received a text from a guy shes been out on a date with and she turned him down when he asked her out. At first read, this may sound like "Yea! I get to monopolize her time!", but what I'm happy about is the fact that we were in a groove and it didn't feel right to just break out of it. Not that she has a problem with that...she doesn't. It's just a great reaffirmation.
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  #30  
Old 04-08-2014, 03:42 AM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Taking new meds and feeling a little weird tonight. Not bad, just kinda meh.

I've got tons of cleaning...but I don't want to do it. I keep wanting to do something artistic, but I'm not really feeling like really doing that either. The internet and movies aren't really doing it for me at the moment either.

Audrey and I are in a great place. It's not like we're bored of each other or having a disagreement. We're just kind of both doing our own thing about 8 feet away from each other. Every 20 mins or so I'll get up and give her a kiss. She wiggles and smiles and kisses me right back.

I used to ask a lot more questions about who she's met on her dating apps and how their ongoing conversations are going. I've gotten out of that habit which is good. If she's on her phone I just assume she's on Tumblr or Facebook or Instagram, which means I'm not jealous. I have noticed that she is talking to at least one new person. Again that doesn't bother me at all in general, but when I feel like we could be connecting, the thought that this kind of energy is going into someone else over text isn't a happy one. I'm not pissed, pouty, or even thinking about it all that often, but just maybe once or twice a day.

Is that a normal poly thought? Is it normal to wonder if the energy spent on a metamour was spent on our relationship then would our relationship be even better?

I do feel very loved. Doesn't change the fact I'm bored and tired. The reality is that no other person can be responsible for your entertainment...at least not all the time. Nothing really to worry about. Time will bring things around.
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