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Old 03-30-2014, 10:40 AM
copperhead copperhead is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 109
Default 12 things

I thought I'd start a blog of sorts. I have random thoughts running through my head so I thought lists might help. Feel free to comment

12 things I've learned about polyamory:

1. Trust is essential. As is being trustworthy.
2. I'm polyamorous by nature.
3. It's hard to open an existing relationship.
4. I wanted to have an anchor in my partner so that I could safely explore polyamory.
5. It's easy to be in love with many people at the same time.
6. I want intimate firendship.
7. I still don't want to live with anyone (apart from my children). I don't want to get married nor have more kids.
8. I want to have people in my life who are interested in knowing my children and to whom it is easy to get along with children, or who'd be willing to help me with everyday life stuff. I'm not looking for a father for them. It's enough to be a responsible adult.
9. I need to take things slowly.
10. I'm not comfortable with someone who thinks it's essential to have sex with new people right away.
11. I need to learn more about STDs and STIs to better judge what risks I'm willing to take.
12. I need to start talking about my relationships more openly, because love makes me blind and it's good to hear what other people think is going on.

Last edited by copperhead; 03-30-2014 at 10:59 AM.
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Old 03-30-2014, 11:00 AM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

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Old 03-30-2014, 02:39 PM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern US...
Posts: 182

great list...
Willa: my wife
Amy: someone Willa and I have both been involved with
Ella: a many-years long-distance relationship of mine, that I don't blog about
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Old 03-31-2014, 08:05 AM
copperhead copperhead is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 109

Before the breakup I felt that one thing that made the transition difficult for me was how difficult it is for me to meet new people, make friends and keep friends. I felt I needed to work on this to be able to be in an open/polyamorous relationship. On the other handů the lack of solitude created problems too. And I still need to think about these things.

12 things on loneliness and solitude (and friendship):
1. I need solitude. I have to make time for myself no matter how much in love I am.
2. Sometimes I feel so lonely it physically hurts.
3. A romantic relationship doesn't alleviate solitude, but it makes it easier to bear.
4. Having friends makes it easy (easier) to not have a romantic relationship.
5. I have a hard time experiencing friendship even when I can reason there is one (or many) in my life.
6. Touch is essential for me to experience friendship.
7. If I'm not in touch with my friends I stop feeling the friendship.
8. When I'm alone, I am me.
9. It's hard to stay me when with other people. I'm not someone else, I just stop being me. I become empty and feel lonely.
10. Loneliness is hardest to bear among people whom I wish I could experience friendship with.
11. I enjoy doing my things alone.
12. Cuddleparties help me connect with people.
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Old 04-03-2014, 06:50 PM
copperhead copperhead is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 109

To fight off the anxiety, stress and melancholy these past weeks have caused me, I think I need to list positive things this whole thing has taught me.

1. I know I have friends.
2. I'm finally able to talk about anything with anyone.
3. I don't need to worry about people finding out I'm polyamorous. They know, and they don't care.
4. I have a lovefriend I can count on.
5. I'm strong.
6. I know my limits/boundaries and I'm better at protecting myself than I thought I'd be.
(Damn... this is a difficult list to make…)
7. Even now, I'm happy with my life.
8. I know that I've learned to recognize some red flags (didn't repeat some old mistakes) and I've identified some new ones.
9. I had my priorities right during a crisis. I took care of myself first and I've been able to take care of my kids these past few days.
10. I am true to myself.
11. I feel there are many kinds of polyamorous relationships that could work for me.
12. I now know what is the difference between a romantic relationship and a friendship. (I've tried to figure it out for years.)

Edit. Changed the last one as I remembered a really important thing and the last one was just a filler anyway.

Last edited by copperhead; 04-03-2014 at 07:44 PM.
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Old 04-10-2014, 01:45 PM
copperhead copperhead is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 109

12 things on secondary/primary relationships. More questions this time it seems and less statements. Your thoughts are greatly appreciated.

1. It seems I need both levels of relationship commitment.
2. Primary to me would mean that there is someone I'm willing to share my life with and who is willing to share their life with me. It's about the little everyday stuff.
3. Secondary means intimate friendship.
4. Primary relationship is about making an agreement on what kind of relationship it is. How we share our lives with each other.
5. I need to figure out what "being my own primary" means to me.
6. I'm looking for a primary relationship with someone new, and it is too soon. Am I afraid to be alone? I never used to be.
7. It seems I have two or three secondary type relationships beginning at the same time. Why now? Can I really handle this?
8. Having these intimate friendships helps me move on and cope with my feelings after the breakup, but I need to be honest about it with everyone. I don't want to use anyone.
9. I think I'm tired of being alone, not afraid. I want what was good in my last relationship to still be a part of my life. I need to mourn.
10. Being someones secondary feels good and sort of simple. It is what I've been missing my whole life. A transition between a relationship and a friendship.
11. When I think of these intimate friendships (seondary type relationships) I feel no jealousy over their OSOs. I'm just thankful for having a place in their lives.
12. I wonder if it depends on the person whether it's better to have a primary or a secondary type of relationship instead of how many and what kind of relationships anyone is already involved with.
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Old 04-10-2014, 06:42 PM
london london is offline
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Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

What I do is look at what pre existing commitments me and the other person have as well as our general compatibility. From this I know of i could ever share practical entanglements with this person. Ie whether we could have a primary style relationship or not.

If we aren't compatible for that, I have some idea how to go about this relationship in a way that still allows me the resources to find a primary style relationship. I do not allow certain expectations to develop on either side.

There are some people who I can't immediately rule out and this troubled me for some time. I wasn't sure how to proceed in a way that wouldn't be at significant risk of complication. What I do now is "go with the flow", learning more about them and more about our long term desires. This often sorts out who is a potential primary partner and who isn't. Sometimes, over time, you realise they are ideal as a primary partner.

People often say that this over thinking is detrimental to relationships but I know it works for me. I don't burden the other person with all this box checking and filing into drawers, it just helps me manage my relationships in a way that prevents them causing me anxiety, I guess. I think it's helpful in terms of preventing yourself from getting into relationships where there is a discord between what one can offer and what one can give.
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Old 04-12-2014, 06:19 PM
copperhead copperhead is offline
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London, exactly. That was what I was thinking about. A couple of years ago when I was single I met one person I fell in love with, but due to many reasons I realized a primary relationship would never work. I was afraid to pursue anything before I had a primary type relationship (and then I hesitated, because I wasn't sure if he was polyamorous…). Now we are very close friends and we have an agreement on what either one of us can give or wants and needs.

I suppose your way of letting time show with some people is also a good idea. Right now I don't have such people in my life, but I'll certainly keep this in mind.

And I tend to overthink everything, too. Others think it's a character flaw or something, but I really need to do it to work my way through the chaos of life.
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Old 04-16-2014, 09:11 AM
copperhead copperhead is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 109

12 things on neediness:

Truth is, I wasn't exactly happy with Salamander in the last months. We'd gotten stuck in seeing each other a lot more than neither one was comfortable with. This happened because we liked each others company so much and were unable to say that we'd take time for ourselves. For a lot of reasons I've been thinking about this and how it might be rooted in neediness of some sort. So here is a list on neediness.

1. Aspie mindset can create needy behavior without being based on neediness. I've gone through enough questionnaires to know this. My motives often aren't needy, but my behaviour is.
2. It's possible to be a needy aspie. And sometimes my motives are needy.
3. I express needy behavior when I'm in a relationship. I think this is an echo from the time I really was (noticeably) needy. I don't like this behavior.
4. My process is incomplete. It's hard to act (be) non-needy when someone treats me like I'm unable to take care of myself or meet my own needs. It's lot easier to let others take care of me, but then I let them reinforce my neediness.
5. Honesty and openness have really helped me. Talking honestly about my needs and wants, fears and shortcomings have made those feel smaller. I'm a lot less needy that I used to be. I'm also capable of dealing with my neediness in a constructive way.
6. I often feel strong and capable. I need to remember this feeling also when I don't feel it.
7. I've found that fake it 'till you make it is a good advice to work on neediness and needy behavior. It's gotten me further than I've realized before.
8. I'm actually an extrovert (thouhg I've always thought differently) and being with people is a real need for me. At the same time I lack the skills to connect and interact with people in a satisfying way which causes neediness. I've learned a lot of these skills and being open about my aspie traits has helped others to understand me better and helped me feel (act) less needy.
9. Being in a needy relationship (both of us acting needy) eats away my energy and causes me to neglect important things in my life (like my own needs). I need to learn to recognise warning sings of such relationship and have an action plan in case I end up in one (again).
10. I want to make a list of my needs and how to get them met. I can use this list to evaluate whether I'm neglecting myself or not.
11. I also need to do a list of my fears, because neediness is based on fears and i don't really recognize any right away.
12. Just read a discussion about how neediness and AS connect and I'm convinced this applies to me too. The solution? More cuddleparties. And a way to make those important to me to honestly express the reasons for taking distance (my needy behavior is stressing them/they are otherwise busy). Uncertainty is killing me and really makes me needy even when i wasn't before.

After writing this list I also realized that at some point when trying to cope with the break up I actually told someone that I appreciate their help, but would like to spend the night alone in order to see that I can do it no matter how hard it would be. I needed to be sure I was able to do it. So that was very much non-needy, I think
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Old 04-21-2014, 06:45 AM
copperhead copperhead is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 109

12 things I'm going to ask Salamander today. In random order.

1. Why did you keep me waiting for these answers? And what have you done/what are you going to do to make the things better?
2. Were you surprised I dumped you on the spot?
3. Did you consider the promises you had made to me before cheating?
4. Was it worth it?
5. Why did you bother to lie about having had sex with Blossom when you knew I was ok with it?
6. Who else has there been besides Blossom and Sunflower?
7. How could you support me for two weeks when I was trying to cope with the changing situation, when you knew that all I went through was worth nothing and that our relationship was already over? And how could you say that we'd still be together when old?
8. Why did you reveal that I'm poly to hundreds of people at a time when I wasn't even sure myself? Why did you say to me that you'd only discussed poly theoretically and no-one knew about me.
9. Have you told people honestly wy I left you? What about that friend who gave you advice during those last two weeks? Did she know the whole situation?
10. Why did you say that you like kids and that you want to be important to my kids, when it's clear that neither was the truth?
11. Why did you say that there's no real need for tests as we haven't had sex with others?
12. Why did you make Sunflower a liar too?
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