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  #51  
Old 02-02-2014, 06:23 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I did not mean for you to list your needs in your relationship. I meant for you to list what you want other people to give feedback on -- if there's still anything else you wanted feedback on. Because I think the original post question was covered.

Your needs in relationship with her are your needs in relationship with her. The only two who can help to meet your needs in this relationship are you and your partner. The things you list are fair enough. People can need those things in a relationship.

Are you helping to meet those needs? For example, I do not see how you are helping to meet your need for (honesty) in relationships when you choose to continue to date someone who you know does lies of omission sometimes. Your behavior does not seem to support that need.

Could you explain how that works? Is your expectation that you don't have to help meet your own needs and hold up your side of the stick? Only she does it?

Or do you value (not being alone) higher than (honesty)? If so, fair enough. You value what you value in the order you prefer at this time.

But could call it what it is then. Replace (honesty) with with (not being alone) in your list of top 3 needs at this time.

Quote:
It means omission until the time is right. Not direct lying.
So you are aware that she sometimes does lies of omission.

Quote:
It does limit everyone and not just me. You're assuming she only uses it against me alone. She goes out on dates and doesn't have sex because of her condition. There's no misapplication at all.
You take it on faith that she doesn't do lies of omission to you when she tells you about her dates. (You are not present to observe and know from your direct experience. )

You seem to recognize that you put in more than you get back in this relationship.

You seem to recognize you are mostly in this relationship because you can't find anyone better to date in your area, and you don't like being alone. That doesn't make her "a Hope diamond." It simply makes her "better than anyone else around right now." Fair enough.

But could call it what it is straight up.

Could guard against painting it in grander colors than what it is. Could be more honest with yourself.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-02-2014 at 07:31 PM.
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  #52  
Old 02-02-2014, 06:32 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post

You seem to recognize you are mostly in this relationship because you can't find anyone better to date in your area, and you don't like being alone. That doesn't make her "a Hope diamond." It simply makes her "better than anyone else around right now."
Maybe it does since the Hope diamond carries a curse.
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  #53  
Old 02-02-2014, 07:06 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
I do need to find more partners, but the problem is that the dating pool where I am COMPLETELY sucks. Beyond terrible. That's part of the reason why I'm a bit stuck on her. She's the Hope diamond in a quarry of rubble.
Quote:
I hate being alone and don't want to fuck up the status quo.

I really feel sad for you.

As this thread has gone on it's becoming clearer that you are mentally constructing a relationship with somebody who sees you as a FWB.

That anybody would choose to live like that rather than be free from a relationship makes me feel sad. It seems like such a diminished life to me.

I hope things improve for you soon.
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  #54  
Old 02-03-2014, 04:36 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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A lot of you seem to be ignoring all the facts I give you about how we are more than fwb. The meaningful connection with her family. The emotional rapport we have. Our special love language.

And no, I'm not just with her because the dating pool sucks. She's amazing in a billion different ways. But the combination of my money woes and my dread of trolling a poor dating selection are factors in my not dating someone else besides her.

I have a female friend nearby that I used to be fwb with. We fell out of touch, but now see each other from time to time. If I she offered to jump back in my rotation I'd be glad to date/have sex with her again. Despite the fact that she's been sniffing around my door (my girl and I both think she's hot for me from what's been going on), she has a boyfriend and only wants to be monogamous. Just saying though, I would be poly if another great situation fell in my lap.

As for saying that she's committing a lie by omission, I'll agree that she's done that. But with other people she's dated for more than 2 or 3 dates, she's explained about me. Hell, one guy even came to my house and hung out for 10-15 minutes. We greeted each other and talked for a brief moment. He knew that she and I dated and that she stayed over with me a lot. He's seen me dropping her off on more than one occasion for their dates. So she has a good track record.

Gala, I do need to be honest with myself about the reality of the situation. If I have rose-colored glasses on, it's because things have just been so great for a long time. Will they change? Life always does.

The crux of my dilemma is that she gives me conflicting signals. She says "Don't call this a relationship." or "I live with my parents" or "It's unrealistic to think that we'll be together forever."...meanwhile she does live with me for months at a time...and she tells me she loves me...and does sweet little girlfriend things for me...she introduces me as her boyfriend once in awhile...and we have so many deep and tender moments.

I took a moment yesterday to clarify things with her a bit. She told me she loved me and I asked her what that meant to her. Her response was meaningful. I responded with a question "So that means that we're more than just friends with benefits. It means that we have a much deeper connection, right?" And she agreed cheerily.

I'm happy at the moment. I guess I'm just a sucker.
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  #55  
Old 02-03-2014, 06:49 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:

The crux of my dilemma is that she gives me conflicting signals. She says "Don't call this a relationship." or "I live with my parents" or "It's unrealistic to think that we'll be together forever."...meanwhile she does live with me for months at a time...and she tells me she loves me...and does sweet little girlfriend things for me...she introduces me as her boyfriend once in awhile...and we have so many deep and tender moments.
Where is conflict in signals in there?
  • You have tender moments with her, etc
  • she says not to expect it to last forever, etc.

I do not see how this is mixed messages. Maybe a message you don't like hearing, but not mixed message.

Quote:
Gala, I do need to be honest with myself about the reality of the situation. If I have rose-colored glasses on, it's because things have just been so great for a long time. Will they change? Life always does.
So be honest with yourself.

As for the rest, you have decided to wait and see. So... wait and see. It's ok to be happy in the meanwhile.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-03-2014 at 07:21 PM.
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  #56  
Old 02-04-2014, 02:19 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Dude she has told you are are a FWB. She isn't looking for a real relationship with you. FWB comes with boundries for it to work properly.

#1 Don’t fall in love. This is the biggest rule and the easiest one to remember. Don’t fall in love. But then again, this is also the hardest one to follow.

#2 Have emotional maturity. Understand what kind of a relationship you’re getting into right from the start.. Be satisfied with a satisfying ending.

#3 Set ground rules.

#4 Don’t get clingy for attention. She isn’t your lover. Stop playing house.

#5 Don’t be overenthusiastic. You are not her boyfriend. She has said she doesn't do relationships. STOP TREATING HER LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND SINCE SHE ISN"T>

#6 Don’t go on a date. You may be intimate with each other, but that’s no excuse to see each other in any place other than a bed. You’ll ruin the relationship.
Where did you come up with these rules? Except for "have emotional maturity" and "don't get clingy," which should apply to all relationships, most of what you wrote sounds more like Fuck Buddy than FWB. I can love a FWB, I love my friends. I wouldn't engage in a FWB situation if that was a rule! And as far as I'm concerned, having a friend I can fuck is a very real relationship!
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-04-2014 at 02:23 AM.
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  #57  
Old 02-04-2014, 04:51 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Where did you come up with these rules? Except for "have emotional maturity" and "don't get clingy," which should apply to all relationships, most of what you wrote sounds more like Fuck Buddy than FWB. I can love a FWB, I love my friends. I wouldn't engage in a FWB situation if that was a rule! And as far as I'm concerned, having a friend I can fuck is a very real relationship!
I agree with nycindie - these rules (except #2 and #4 - which are just general good sense for anyone) sound like like a "booty call" rather than a friend.

Maybe this is why a lot of folks don't think having FWBs "qualifies" as poly...if they are focused on the "benefits" rather than the "friends" part.

Maybe it's because I am INTJ, but I get almost NRE-giddy when I find someone "friend-worthy" - regardless of whether we have sex. It's MUCH easier to find someone that I would have sex with for fun (NSA) - but I wouldn't consider them a FWB.

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Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
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  #58  
Old 02-05-2014, 10:02 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Awhile back I was tested as an INTP, but now I've moved more to ENTJ.

Just thought I'd check back in and tell y'all what's been happening. I should say as an introduction, I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything. Not that your interpretation of events is wrong or defend my behavior.

As for the text contact that I initially posted about, their meeting is still on I suppose, but they hardly text at all. After re-discussing the situation she has been very clear that she doesn't want to be a hinge or in a full group relationship. If he rolls through town and they do end up meeting, I have no problems with that as it's her decision and just like any other dates. That doesn't mean she's not going to be poly and go on dates in the future, but as for my initial fear of her jumping into some new group, that has subsided.

As a weird turn of events, I had a guy and his girlfriend rent a room from me recently that has given me some insight into my behavior. She's traveling out of state for a month while they take a break. The poor guy went absolutely nuts and has become one of the most pathetic sights I've ever seen. As we watched this unravel, it was the opportunity for my girl and I to discuss our own habits. Not texting for a few hours or even a day or so isn't the end of the world to us, as it has been for this guy. I don't want to be this guy.

Over the last month she hasn't had any dates whatsoever and we've gotten really emotional and close. Sure, she's continued to text some romantic interests, but it's reduced by a drastic percentage. She's worked through a lot of her barriers regarding commitment and is relaxing into the relationship I feel.

I'm not so naive as to think that she's stopped being poly or that I don't have some uncomfortable times ahead when she does have a date. This time, however, I think I'm going to be better equipped to deal with things.

Anyway, thanks for listening. Everyone's perspective has helped.
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