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  #21  
Old 01-30-2014, 04:18 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
She's said she will tell him at some point.
So much for honesty. I'd be pretty pissed if I were putting time and energy into a relationship, only to find out...sometime after I'd put in that energy...that this person had a significant other he hadn't bothered mentioning. I'd feel very much that I was misled, and in fact lied to by omission.

I guess you're slowly coming to believe that just not mentioning you doesn't actually send you a message about where you stand in her life (I personally can't imagine just 'not mentioning' a significant other), but I think it says something about her that she doesn't feel this other guy deserves the whole truth of the situation up front, either.
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  #22  
Old 01-30-2014, 11:57 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Your worries may be from insecurity and it's true that it is a bad idea to try and control your girlfriend's actions.

But - this
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She's said she will tell him at some point.
would concern me greatly.

Sounds to me like she doesn't want to be honest about her situation in case it makes this guy less interested in her. It's understandable - lots of people would not be interested in a relationship with her if they knew about you.

However, concealing the truth about a significant part of her life for her own gain isn't a nice way to treat anybody. Particularly the new guy who is being gradually encouraged into a situation that isn't as he understands it. He should be allowed to choose freely and at the moment he isn't being.

I would have trouble being in a romantic relationship with somebody who is happy to start off new relationships with a lie. In your shoes I'd probably start shifting things toward friendship and be looking to end the romantic side of the relationship.
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  #23  
Old 01-30-2014, 04:24 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Interesting. Gala and NYC see things totally differently than Infinite and What.

We have a great relationship. We pretty much spend 100% of our time together. Because I can survive on rent money I collect and a few cases I get as a lawyer, we've spent a month just basically hanging out at the house all day, taking the dogs for walks, going thrift shopping, and going out to eat or see movies. Add to that the snow days lately that have kept us totally indoors. We cook and workout and plan things. And we cuddle and kiss and sing little pet songs to each other.

She also fields texts from her friends and I'd say at least 4 or 5 romantic guys she talks to. Two of which she has slept with in the past, but isnt necessarily breaking her neck to see again. She plays games on her phone, browses Tumblr, and frequents three or four dating sites. I really think its a need for constant stimulation and affirmation from new people.

Once the weather gets nice again, im sure shell go on a coffee date or two. She went on one last week with a really weird bloke and they talked for three hours. Neither of them initiated any romantic stuff, but I think the guy was just nervous. When I picked her up from the coffee shop, we talked about his bad fashion, stringy hair, but interesting travels. They may see each other again. Who knows.

She kisses me and tells me she loves me. At night before bed we cuddle and dream together about things to do together. About how shared projects to advance her career and mine.

I know shes texting other guys and saying sexy stuff to them. Even romantic stuff like "I wanna cuddle with you. I wish you were here." But im the one who gets her actual time and affection. Im the one shes making long-term plans with. Im the one she says she has phenomenal sex with. I say all this to give you the flavor of our days and interaction.

Lately when I know shes sending someone texts a lot or pictures, ill just go into a trance and deal with it. This is what being poly is about, right? Give her her space to do her thing with someone else (or several someone elses)?

Steering back to the main topic, I know there has to be some sweet spot between giving her freedom to persue someone new and not scare them off by introducing me....and telling the new person she has a significant other. There's gotta be.

I hear you when you put yourself in the shoes of the other guy and say you wouldnt want to have that sprung on you after pursuing someone for awhile. But id bet dollars to donuts that this guy probably wouldnt care. Either hes got an ego about stealing her away with his innate awesomeness...or he wants to make his threesome relationship happen so bad he'll see what he can engineer...or he'll just try to have sex with her and an SO wont spoil his horniness. He's invested in getting her and theyve been flirty texting for weeks. I doubt he'll give up just by her introducing me.

Also, she makes a big deal out reminding everyone shes not the relationship type. She reminded him of that, but also sent mixed signals when she told him that she might be convinced to have sex with his female, though she doesnt do threesomes. (Of course I think that once she has sex with both individually, it's not that hard to transition into a threesome.) But hey, I shoudnt and dont want to stop her from whatever she wants...as long as our relationship isnt neglected. Again, these peolle live over three hours away and the chances are small, but my logical brain still churns sometimes.

Ill just bide my time and see what she says closer to their meeting. If the meeting actually happens.
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  #24  
Old 01-30-2014, 05:59 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
But id bet dollars to donuts that this guy probably wouldnt care. Either hes got an ego about stealing her away with his innate awesomeness...or he wants to make his threesome relationship happen so bad he'll see what he can engineer...or he'll just try to have sex with her and an SO wont spoil his horniness. He's invested in getting her and theyve been flirty texting for weeks. I doubt he'll give up just by her introducing me.
Or maybe he's a guy who actually wants a relationship. Or maybe he's a guy who actually tells the truth about where he is in life to prospective girlfriends and expects the same in return.

Either way, shouldn't it be HIS call to make, with full knowledge?
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  #25  
Old 01-30-2014, 06:24 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Oh absolutely. He should have full knowledge. I suppose I'm bending over backwards not to find a rationalization to cramp her style. I'm trying to be the bigger guy here.

But you make an excellent point. When I read your last post I almost thought, "Whoa. What if WH actually IS the guy?" It let me see it from the other guy's point of view.

I suppose someone else might say that's between her and the other guy to work out. If she hides it for whatever reason, it's not up to me to push her and control her so that she does tell him. And if hiding it hurts him down the road, that's not for me to be involved in. That's their concern.

Again, if I were in his shoes, I would want to know there's someone else significant. She's said she will tell him and if I push further I'll just seem like an ass, right? Asking "Hey, did you ever tell G about me?" could lead to the following responses:
  1. We haven't really been talking. It's not really an issue.
  2. It's not the right time yet.
  3. I may just fuck him once. It's not really an issue yet.
  4. I thought I would tell him once we met.
  5. He already knows I'm poly. That's enough until I tell him.

While she understands the model of calling someone her primary, my girl doesn't want to use that nomenclature. (Her sister and sister's fiance use that already and are a healthy example of that model.) If I brought it up again, she'd simply say "We spend all of our time around each other. We make long-term plans with each other. Most of my clothes are over here. We have 4 pets together. Doesn't that pretty much make you primary?"

Functionally, I am primary. Which amounts to monopolization...which is what my 42 year old brain is used to. I've read on these forums that monopolization is a form of control and I have to agree. Well, it can be a form of control. Unless the people involved consent to that being what they want.

A lot of this stems from me not being good at being alone. I know that. But it also stems from wanting to be recognized for the work and the effort and the value of what we share right now. Surely that has to count for something.

If I were going to bring it up again, how do you think I should do it?
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  #26  
Old 01-30-2014, 08:04 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
So much for honesty. I'd be pretty pissed if I were putting time and energy into a relationship, only to find out...[I]sometafter I'd put in that energy...that this person had a significant other he hadn't bothered mentioning. I'd feel very much that I was misled, and in fact lied to by omission.

I guess you're slowly coming to believe that just not mentioning you doesn't actually send you a message about where you stand in her life (I personally can't imagine just 'not mentioning' a significant other), but I think it says something about her that she doesn't feel this other guy deserves the whole truth of the situation up front, either.
I would too. I would seriously question being with someone who thinks its ok to be dishonest and string someone along for months likw that. Being with someone bwith integrity is very important to me.
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  #27  
Old 01-30-2014, 08:32 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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She's got integrity, people. She's told the guy that shes poly. At that point, he should be ready for anything under the sun. To some on this board, all relationships are separate and just saying that is enough.

My girl isnt dishonest. Its just shes figuring out the right time to tell him. Hell, for all I know she already has.
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  #28  
Old 01-30-2014, 09:24 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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see in my opinion not disclosing that you have the relationship regardless of the fact that she said she's poly or not is the sauna. And my husband said the same thing that he would be extremely upset if you met somebody and was seeing them and they pulled the wall right out from under him say oh yeah by the way blah blah blah
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  #29  
Old 01-30-2014, 09:25 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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see in my opinion not disclosing that you have the relationship regardless of the fact that she said she's poly or not is dishonest. Guess new guy's option on this is the only one matters at this point.
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  #30  
Old 01-31-2014, 03:00 AM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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If you've been told that someone is poly and seeing other people...that's not enough? Huh.
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