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  #11  
Old 01-29-2014, 02:57 AM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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I dont want to manage her other relationships. Perhaps I am grasping at that a bit. But her conversation about being the unicorn with a new guy and his gf yielded some responses I wasnt ready for. They were discussing all these possibilities withouther even mentioning that I was her SO. In retrospect, it was mostly the guy soliciting possibilities and not her accepting.

I do feel like the relationship deserves some sort of recognition, just not as a method of cockblocking the other partner. For me personally, if my relationship isnt worth recognition, its not a relationship. We can keep our metamours separated, but if im not worth acknowledging, then what's the point?
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  #12  
Old 01-29-2014, 03:01 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
For me personally, if my relationship isnt worth recognition, its not a relationship. We can keep our metamours separated, but if im not worth acknowledging, then what's the point?
I absolutely agree.

In addition, the other person certainly has a right to know what they're getting into. The very fact that she isn't telling them makes me question whether she herself thinks the other person is getting involved with someone (her) who already has a primary relationship.
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  #13  
Old 01-29-2014, 06:38 AM
london london is offline
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If you feel that your partner doesn't give your relationship the public acknowledgement it deserves, dump her. Just don't try and control how she acknowledges your relationship, let her do what she thinks is best then you decide how her action makes you feel and respond accordingly.
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  #14  
Old 01-29-2014, 03:48 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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"Dumping her" seems a bit, no offense, flippant. She's said she will tell him at some point. I should have come to a mutually beneficial agreement about when.

Ill just have to give it some time and find the right time. I know theyve set up a tentative date in about a month. I'll probably ask if she has said anything when the time comes.

I really dont see the situation becoming much of anything since hes way out of townand she has no car. Famous last words, though, right?
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  #15  
Old 01-29-2014, 03:50 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
I dont want to manage her other relationships.
If you are monitoring how and what she says and are upset if she doesn't say certain things in a conversation that you are not part of, yeah, that's trying to control her and manage her other relationships. Would be different if you were there with her and them, and participating in those conversations - then you could say whatever the hell you want. But she has the individual right to say or not say anything, and it's not up to you to manage how she says the things you want her to, nor even if she says those things. It is her freedom of expression.

You can be happy or not happy with how she conducts her other relationships and conversations, and you have a choice to stay or go, but you don't have the right to steer her conversations with other people.

Quote:
Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
But her conversation about being the unicorn with a new guy and his gf yielded some responses I wasnt ready for. They were discussing all these possibilities without her even mentioning that I was her SO.
But - so what? What does that have to do with you? Why is it so important that your "title" of SO must be broadcast to whomever she speaks with? Why can't she just say, "I see other people" or "I'm involved with someone else" or something else, or not say anything, according to what feels right to her and the dynamic that she is dealing with at the time? Those are her relationships, not yours!

Quote:
Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
I do feel like the relationship deserves some sort of recognition, just not as a method of cockblocking the other partner. For me personally, if my relationship isnt worth recognition, its not a relationship. We can keep our metamours separated, but if im not worth acknowledging, then what's the point?
What's the point of what? You only want a relationship if you get a title to go with it? (Your sun sign isn't Leo, is it? LOL) And what would constitute "recognition?" Maybe it is something different for her than it is for you. Perhaps she feels she recognizes her relationship with you by her actions or feelings and that is enough. Maybe she doesn't feel it's necessary to walk around with a blinking neon sign proclaiming you as her partner. I just think you have to get over this idea that how she relates to other people should pass muster with you first. As I said before, worry about how YOU relate to her, and that's it.
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  #16  
Old 01-29-2014, 04:20 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Wisdom there for sure. I'm still trying to grasp my place in this poly world.

I suppose I have a trust issue. Its about being replaced. Despite the fact that we spend almost every waking hour together...despite that im a part of her family...despite that she tells me ill never be replaced and that love is not a competition, I suppose I see plans being made...even potential plans...and I dont want to be left out of them. If theres a discussion about setting up some new triangle, why am I not being worked into the mix?

In our relationship, I work to do things that add value to that relationship. If that can be negated at a moment's notice...was it all just for the moment? Yes, I do feel recognition has been earned by virtue of the effort ive put into the relationship. Im willing to be flexible about the how and the when and the where. What you call steering is me making sure that I voice what I need and we can find middle ground about it. Trust me, she asks for what she wants all the time.

I get that a my partner should be in control of her own relationships. I get that I shouldnt interfere. But to me, hiding a relationship is devaluing it. She CAN say "im involved with someone else significantly who knows im poly." Thats all I need her to say.
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  #17  
Old 01-29-2014, 04:39 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
She CAN say "im involved with someone else significantly who knows im poly." Thats all I need her to say.
Quote:
Im willing to be flexible about the how and the when and the where.
Could finish making your agreements with her and then leave her to it. See if she delivers or not.

Here's the basic needs you seem to be having:
  • to know and be known
  • to see and be seen
  • to understand and be understood

It's perfectly ok to have.

Quote:
If theres a discussion about setting up some new triangle, why am I not being worked into the mix?
If she's changing her poly tangles and you are a part of that network, it affects you to X degree, but does affect you. If she's not communicating to you/the potentials in the way so you can feel safe, you can draw her attention to it. You have done that.

The only part missing is the agreement on when you expect to next check in so she can update you this was done. However and whenever she did it, but done by the time you check in again on this. Could sort that part out and come to agreement on when you will check in together.

Then give her the agreed time to DO IT, back off and wait. She will either meet your need or not.

She doesn't have to meet every single need yours, but if she is in the habit of not meeting your needs to the point where you question "what is the point?" of being in the relationship?

Your choices then are
  • To continue as you are, and see what new data the passage of time brings next
  • to stop the daddy/babygirl d/s dynamic part of the relationship because she won't participate in that in the way you wish. See if that change improves things.
  • To stop the entire relationship. See if that change improves things.
  • something else I cannot think of right now

There is also the option of her changing HER behavior, but you do not actually control that. So while you may ask and certainly hope for that, best to focus on what YOU can control in your own behavior.

It's not a fun option, but breaking up IS one possible option you could do on a list of several options.

You choose what you want to do next. Only you know where your limit of tolerance is at this time.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-29-2014 at 04:45 PM.
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  #18  
Old 01-29-2014, 05:41 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Very logically thoughtout. Thank you.

Im just going toback off and wait it out until they meet and then rediscuss.

She's making efforts to make me comfortable so thats meaningful to me. Youre right though,there is always a cost/benefit analysis of "am I getting enough of what I reasonably need?"and im in the green zone so far.
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  #19  
Old 01-29-2014, 05:47 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
. . . I work to do things that add value to that relationship. If that can be negated at a moment's notice...was it all just for the moment?
I think this is an issue of perspective. From your perspective, you feel that her not explaining to people that she is in a relationship with you, and that it is a significant relationship, negates everything you put into it. She may feel that not talking about her relationship with you preserves its specialness, or even that it's nobody else's business who she is in a relationship with - I don't know, of course. I'm just offering different possible viewpoints. However, if you think your whole relationship can be negated by her not verbalizing to other people that she is with you, your sense of trust and faith in what you have may be on quite unstable ground.

Personally, I've experienced some of what you're feeling- wanting my relationship with someone to be acknowledged to the "outside world." I would ask, "Did you tell your friends/family/coworkers about me?" and feel sad and disappointed when the answer was "no." But I spent some time examining that, and realized that I wanted the outward recognition because I was insecure and couldn't really believe that this person wanted to be with me. If he told someone, anyone, then maybe that was proof! Maybe this is real if somebody out there knows about it.

Basically, it came down to an old self-limiting belief I have that I am actually unlovable, or that no one cares about me, which makes me want to look for evidence for or against that belief. Maybe someone does care and could love me - or maybe it's true that no one does. And I would attach great importance to things like that - acknowledgement, recognition. I would feel a thrill at being referred to as someone's "girlfriend" because it made my relationship more real and I could maybe feel safe enough to invest more of myself in it. But the best thing I could do was acknowledge all this stuff, and that this insecurity dwelt in me, and then simply live with the discomfort of not getting that kind of recognition or acknowledgement. I had to dig deeper and trust the person and our relationship itself, rather than any outward declarations. I think this is good, important inner work to do.
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-29-2014 at 05:55 PM.
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  #20  
Old 01-30-2014, 03:11 AM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Wow. That's really insightful too, nycindie. Proving the love exists is just like proving your love to someone ...which absolutley means im insecure and unstable.

I know im attractive and have a lot to offer someone. Trust me, out in the world and out with friends Im the life of the party and very self-assured. Hell, for the last two years of my marriage, I was fine with having my alone time.

But for some reason, post-divorce, im not so hot with being alone. And my companion especially brings out my romantic and clingy side. (For the record, im the one who left.) Shes so unique and wonderful that I want to be around her as much as possible.

Im trying to learn how to balance needing someone with not being needy. I also dont want to get sideswiped by being replaced.
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